355: My Roommate Tried to Kill Me! | Feedback Friday

Transcript for My Roommate Tried to Kill Me! - Feedback Friday (Episode 355)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:00] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with the producer Jason DeFillippo. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode stories, secrets, and skills of the world's sharpest minds and most fascinating people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. We want to help you see the Matrix when it comes to how these amazing people think and behave. And our mission is to help you become a better informed, more critical thinker. So you can get a much deeper understanding of how the world works and make sense of what's really happening. If you're new to the show, we've got episodes with spies and CEOs, athletes and authors, thinkers and performers, as well as toolboxes for skills like negotiation, body language, persuasion, and more. So if you're smart and you like to learn and improve, you'll be right at home here with us.

[00:00:47] This week, I re-aired a Darknet Diaries episode. That's me being interviewed on another podcast called Darknet Diaries. I dig into my past as a social engineer, cell phone hacker, and how I helped the FBI catch child predators back in the day. So kind of an interesting story. So if you want to hear about how sketchy I used to be as a teenager, that's a good one for you there. And I also did a debunk of this infuriatingly nonsense movie called a Plandemic that all your friends who are a little bit more gullible or possible, you have been sharing on Facebook and social media before it got banned and now are sharing it on the Dark Web. I went through and debunked it with a doctor who understands how research works, because this whole thing, Plandemic is just such a mess and full of disinformation so that these people can sell books and other garbage. It's just terrible. So I went through point by point and debunked it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, be grateful. This is a piece of disinformation put out by knuckleheads that basically says that coronavirus is a hoax and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm debunking that. I'm putting some straight truth in there about both the virus, how research works, and conspiracy theory type thinking. So it will be an interesting episode for you, even if you haven't seen this documentary, which I can assure you as a waste of your time and any remaining brain cells you might have.

[00:02:04] Of course, our primary mission on The Jordan Harbinger Show is to pass along our guests and our own insights and experiences along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you, and that's what we do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. I just want to place one brick in this structure that makes up your life. That's what this podcast is about. You can reach us friday@jordanharbinger.com. Jason, it's your last episode of the show. People are probably going to be kind of surprised to hear that.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:27] Yup. Yup. I'm moving on. We've had a good run in seven-and-a-half years together.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:34] That's a long time. And you had, just in case people are wondering, I think we probably talked about this a bunch before, but you got a different gig and it's like expanded and there's other projects you want to work on and that's how it goes. So it's not some sort of acrimonious craziness, which is nice. Always nice.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:52] Always nice. Always nice. Yeah, yeah, my dance card just got too full, which is a good problem to have in the middle of a pandemic, I guess.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:59] Yeah, no kidding. Peaceful transfer of power as it were, well kind of, I mean, you know, not really, but kind of better than a non-peaceful transfer of anything. I'll tell you that. So it's bittersweet, but you're not exactly going to be -- you're not going to have time to miss us, which is always good.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:16] Always.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:16] What's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:19] All right. Here we go. Hello to my favorite Harbinger crew. I'm going to jump straight into it. Last summer, I did a dumb thing and basically moved into an apartment with someone who I met that weekend. I thought I was helping them with two months of rent, but things ended up being more complicated. By the winter, it was obvious things weren't working, and after two attempts at breaking up and canceling her gym membership, she ended up trying to strangle me over an argument about laundry. Needless to say, I started documenting and recording every interaction after that and there were only two more and was out of that apartment the following night. The issue is that she ended up filing for a protection from abuse order against me and because it was right around Christmas time, I couldn't get off work in time to do so first, which was completely unnecessary except that it helped us circumvent our year-long lease. Is this something I should be worried about? The Internet says it's not a criminal matter, and I have video recordings of her going crazy trying to break into my room. Also, pictures of the multiple scratches she left all over my body from my attempt to restrain her during her outburst. The biggest issue is that she's extremely emotional and social unlike me. So as soon as the incident transpired, she began to drill into her own head, in all of our neighbors and my mother, that I was the attacker, and that it had happened before in the past. And honestly, that's scary to think about. I heard of people believing in false memories, but to have seen it happen so readily, it was just bonkers. I had a court date for April 20th which I was trying to wait for by ideally wasting time through video games as thinking about the situation makes me sick to my stomach. But now that everything is up and flux and uncertain, I'm going crazy because I'm afraid of making any financial or life moves because I'm not sure what to expect from the court's decision. I've tried calling multiple domestic abuse hotlines and other such resources. And well, three out of five of them were permanently busy. The two that I got through to ended up basically dismissing me due to my Y chromosome and said they'd call me back without taking my number. Should I get a lawyer? I have thousands of dollars of debt I'm trying to settle and I would really rather avoid any more financial expenses on behalf of my hormonal impulses, but I'd prefer not to risk it if there's a chance she could try to extort me for money through the judicial system. Thanks in advance for even reading this and for giving me the fleeting courage to even bother asking about this BS ordeal that even has my own mom eyeing me with sideways glances. Respectfully devoted show binger, Real Life Sucks.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:44] Well, I don't know. I don't see anything wrong with this. Do you, Jason? Wow. I mean, Holy moly. Yeah. I mean, this person is just -- they're mentally ill. That's --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:56] You think?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:57] -- for sure. Yeah. This is scary. Get away. Stay away. It's really disgusting that all the hotlines, by the way, I think it's gross that the hotlines blew you off because you're a man and you're in an abusive relationship. Aren't we not supposed to do that? Aren't we supposed to be woke about this kind of stuff? Like men can be abused too? I thought that was kind of clear in like the early odds that it's not just one direction. I mean, what are we supposed to do? Imagine this happening the other way around. Imagine a hotline being like, "Nah, this isn't really happening. It's all in your head." I mean, this is crazy. You should 100% get a lawyer. Any time you have to go to court, you should be represented. This is not optional. Yes, it's expensive. It usually is. You can probably find some legal aid if needed. I highly recommend that you do. So of course, for legal matters of the criminal variety, I had to call in for reinforcements in the form of Corbin Payne, attorney-at-law. He had a lot to say about this. Starting with, "Oomph, this sounds extremely unpleasant," which I think we can highlight that. I think we can underline and bold that.

[00:06:57] Yeah, I think that's pretty much a global feeling right now.

[00:07:01] That was a very British thing to say like, "Oh, this sounds quite a bit of discomfort indeed." Yeah. I would say somebody's trying to strangle me over the whites or the reds in the laundry machine or whatever, the hell that was about, and then filing a protection order against me. That is uncomfortable.

[00:07:16] Order of protection vary extensively state-by-state. There can even be differences county-to-county in how courts handle protection orders. So we're going to have to be very general here, but first off, Order of Protection, we call them OPs back in our legal jargon. OPs, these are civil matters which means they are not criminal matters. So what Real Life Sucks is dealing with -- he's correct when he says this is not a criminal charge. However, having an Order of Protection, an OP entered against you can and will carry some strong consequences. First, if the judge is convinced enough that you have abused your former roommate. The judge may refer the matter to law enforcement to investigate. In other words, they'll say, "Hey, the police should look at this." That could very well end up in a criminal investigation. The other major consideration is that a violation of an OP, a protection order, is 100 percent a crime. So this might be a civil issue with the OP being filed, but then violating it as a crime.

[00:08:15] Now, I'm sure that you want to stay away from your former roommate and cease all contact with her. I don't blame you. It will sound very tempting to just agree with the protection order, get things over with, especially as you have no desire to do any of the things you're now forbidden to do, like hang out or go over there visit, or anything like that. However, and this is the worst part, if your former roommate were to accuse you of violating the protection order. The courts, prosecutors, and police officers are going to automatically assume that she is telling the truth unless you have overwhelming evidence of your innocence. In other words, if she says, "He was at my house." You better be on your video camera, your Nest Cam, or whatever in your kitchen watching Netflix or they will assume that she is telling the truth. So you'll, of course, be presumed innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. But that doesn't mean you can't be arrested, investigated, charged, prosecuted upon her say so, merely that.

[00:09:13] Now I'm oversimplifying things a bit. Corbyn Payne attorney-at-law says he sees plenty of occasions where someone, man or woman, gets arrested on a violation of an OP, and the alleged victim claims that the defendant drove by the house or made a threatening gesture. Nobody else witnessed it. Now that comes down to a case of "he said, she said" and that can be enough for a conviction if the jury believes the accusers. So you don't want it to get that far. Right? You don't want it to be like, "Hey, I've got a protection order, but I'm never going to go by there." You want her to have to prove this from the beginning. You don't want this presumption against you. This strike against you already. In this instance, you would be well advised to consult with an attorney, like I said.

[00:09:52] I would recommend that you contact the clerk of the court hearing the petition for the protection order. Tell the clerk that you're a respondent on an OP and ask if they can provide a list of lawyers who regularly defend people on OPs in that particular court. They will know the ins and outs. The clerks don't have a dog in this fight as far as whether or not you win or lose. They have to do about the same amount of paperwork either way. They can recommend somebody who's familiar with the judge and the court personnel and who can calmly speak some wisdom into this whole situation. If you try to do this yourself, you're not going to know what the heck you're doing and that is going to be a problem.

[00:10:30] Unfortunately, there are just not that many advocacy groups for men in these situations who don't deserve to be in them. Lawyers may not be cheap, but let me tell you, the cost of hiring one is far lower than the cost of having to fend off a full-blown criminal trial in the future. Remember, the prosecutor does the criminal trial, prosecution. So your roommate, all she has to do is go, "Eh, he was over at my house and I know it was him." They might choose to prosecute you. Then you're on the hook for your defense. The prosecution isn't going to send her a bill, so you have to be really careful not to let this proceed. Your former roommates sounds just unstable enough, well, to try to strangle somebody over laundry, but also to try and ruin your life in the future.

[00:11:10] When you call the lawyers, make it damn clear that you have recordings, documentation showing that she was the aggressor. That's going to convey that you're, first of all, a lot more organized and on top of things than the average client a lawyer sees. And it will also communicate to the lawyer that this might be a fairly simple and straightforward case to defend, which is always nice to see. I wish I had better recommendations here, but you really do need an attorney. However, the fact that you have some documentation here is outstanding, especially if she doesn't have any. The vast majority of these cases are "he said, she said" ordeals those are really tough. The mere fact that you possess documentation will automatically cause you to stand out in a good way and we'll give you the ammo you need to get the outcome you need. Hopefully, again, it is much, much more expensive and cumbersome to undo a negative outcome in a court, especially a criminal trial than to prevent that same outcome in the first place. That is certain.

[00:12:07] I think it's scary to think this can happen. This is a nightmare situation. Get competent counsel. They'll get you through it. You need to not let this progress any further at all. Thanks again to Corbyn Payne for chiming in on this. Woof. What a mess, man. Get out of this as fast as you can. Let a lawyer do the fighting.

[00:12:22] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:23] Dear Jordan and Jason, as an Asian-American, I'd like to seek your advice on how to rebuild my inner strength during the COVID-19 crisis. My family has lived in the US for nearly 15 years. I'm experiencing a new kind of pressure and uneasiness since the pandemic. It pains me to see the suffering of the people who are affected or dead due to the virus. It depresses me daily watching the media. I feel embarrassed saying hi to the neighbors, even though I rationalized that I didn't cause or contribute to this health, social, and economic disaster. I'm uneasy about my presence everywhere. My graduate courses begin in August 2020. And I find it difficult to maintain the self-confidence I'd always possessed. I teach yoga in the local gym, which is closed now, but I wonder if I still have the ease and grace to share in front of the class when it reopens. In March, my younger sister, who is a senior in high school, asked me what she should have done when a group of boys yelled, "I hate Chinese. I hate Asians. They're disgusting," at her. And she was angry, but she wasn't sure what to do. To be honest, me neither. I've been searching for the right attitude and perspective, which I believe is super important for both of us. What's your advice? Thank you. Signed, Afraid to be Asian.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:31] So this is horrible. I didn't realize this was so widespread because I live in the California bubble where I'm the only white guy in my area. I mean, generally, I'll go out with my crew of friends and someone will go, "What's it like being the only white guy?" I'll go, "What are you talking -- oh yeah, you're right. I am the only white person at this entire party." It's not just my area, it's just, you know, married to Chinese girls, well Taiwanese, so all of our friends and family, a lot of them are Asians, so I just kind of look around and go, ah, okay. So I didn't realize this was happening all over the United States right now, especially. I got to say, I constantly make the mistake of giving people too much credit when I know that I shouldn't. People really are this ignorant and foolish not to excuse the behavior at all, but people are super scared right now, and since they can't control what's going on, they look for a boogeyman and that boogeyman right now for us and for some people is China. And while I do think that the Chinese Communist Party lied to the world and covered this up. The Chinese Communist Party has nothing to do with Chinese people, especially those living abroad. But the Chinese communist party is an authoritarian government that doesn't care about its people in any way. So if you've been here for 15 years, you're as American as anyone else, pretty much. So it really pains me to hear that idiots and a-holes are trying to make you feel otherwise.

[00:14:46] As a corn-fed white boy, as it were, I have very little experience with racism. I mean, I've experienced it, but it's kind of like, "Oh, I just got discriminated against for being white at this random McDonald's that I never go to because I got lost somewhere. Guess, I'll drive back to the suburbs now and not worry about this ever again." I had asked some friends or Asian and people of color, and so what I got from a couple of them was really insightful.

[00:15:09] One said, "Racism is an act of ignorance and usually directed at somebody to invoke a reaction from them or provoke a reaction from them. Keeping your cool and not reacting with anger is a first line of defense. Lack of engagement means the comment falls flat. Also understand that the problem lies totally with the other person. They don't know you. They're expressing an emotion based on a perception and often incorrect information. Just be reminded that this is not about your sister. It's not about you. It's their problem."

[00:15:38] And from a friend who is African-American, he said, "The worst thing that can come of this is if she lets the fear and energy of others change how she feels about herself." Now this might even be a good time to learn more about your heritage. I know in the black community, again, this is my friend who's African-American, he said, "We are constantly getting killed randomly for nothing. And it fosters an appreciation for our uniqueness and we value our culture more because of the adversity. So I'd say this is an opportunity for your sister to do the same."

[00:16:07] Also report this incident to schools, offices, et cetera. They take this stuff seriously. She's 15. I'm going to chalk this one up, kids can be cruel. Again, I'm not excusing it, but I think they should be punished probably by the school. I don't think this has got to be one of those like -- I think this can be a learning experience for everybody. I mean, these kids are being total jerks and they should be punished for it, but like you're not really going to do much taking this further than school authorities. They should be very concerned about this. I would imagine that they are. People should not be allowed to get away with this.

[00:16:39] Again, realize it is never about you. Racism is the refuge of cowardly individuals who, especially in this case, feel a loss of control over their lives. They're not well-versed enough in critical thinking skills to figure out other ways to regain that control and come to the conclusion that it is not a group of people or individuals causing it. I mean, imagine thinking that someone, in your own country who reminds you of other people in another country that you've never met, is causing a problem for you. It's the absolute height of ignorance. So I don't even think people who have this kind of thought think this thing through. It certainly is not representative of most people's opinions.

[00:17:18] And if it makes you feel any better lots of people love Asians. I love them so much. I married one. So these people are outliers. They're being a-holes because they feel stressed. That's again not an excuse. I think they should be punished, but again, the way that you handle this, especially as this goes forward, that's going to help you a lot too. It's not going to be the last time somebody says some ignorant crap to you if you're a 15-year-old minority in the United States. That's just the truth of the matter. And you know, you have to learn how to realize that those people are total pieces of crap and it has nothing to do with you. And the quicker you internalize that, the better.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:57] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:01] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator. Have you seen what they've been saying about you online? Yes or no, good or bad, there's no denying that you and nobody else should have control over that narrative. Whether it's for your business or personal brand, as the kids are saying these days, building the website people see first when they search for you on the internet has never been easier. Thanks to HostGator. Best of all, you don't have to know the first thing about coding to get your own professional looking and feature-packed website up and running today. HostGator takes care of the boring, intimidating details of website management, so you don't have to worry about that. Focus on what you love to do, running your business. HostGator's website builder allows you to choose from over a hundred mobile-friendly templates so it works on a tablet, a phone, a desktop. If you want WordPress, no problem, one-click later, you got it right. Add-ons like PayPal, so people can buy things from your website, SEO, and all that optimization is included. You also get 99.9 percent uptime and HostGator's support team will be there 24/7, 365 because if something's going to go wrong, it's going to be Sunday at 9:00 freaking p.m. a day before a big week. And don't worry about this break in the bank either, Jason, we got a deal for them, right?

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Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:26] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. And if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review on iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:52] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:53] Hi, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. I'm a 19-year-old man in college who's always struggled socially. One situation that is consistently awkward is when someone's self-deprecates when comparing themselves to me. For instance, they might say, "You are so much better at math than me, man. I'll never be that good." On the one hand, I want to graciously accept the compliment, but on the other hand, I don't want to emphasize that person's weakness. However, if the person is right about their own, it feels patronizing and dishonest to try and reassure them. Do you have any tips for navigating this social conundrum? Signed, The Social Caterpillar.

[00:22:27] And I have to say, Jordan, I am looking forward to your answer on this because I've struggled with this for a very long time, so enlightened us all.

[00:22:35] Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:35] Yeah. This is kind of funny because I think of funny responses because I try to go over the whole spectrum of how you can react. And so if somebody says, "You're so much better at math than me." Like I just imagined someone going, "Well, yeah, that's obviously true." And that's kind of like the Sheldon Cooper Big Bang Theory responsible. Like, "Of course, I am," that kind of thing.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:22:55] But I've used that because I think they're about like 700 different responses and I just go back to number one in the list. I'm like, "Well, duh."

Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:01] Yeah, naturally, I am.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:23:03] Yeah. I'm like that -- that's really not the answer you're looking for.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:23:06] I'll never be that good. Well, yeah, that goes without saying, but look, this could have something to do with your own confidence issue. You could be very literal, maybe you said -- well, it's a social issue for me. I have issues with that. I don't know if you pick up social cues. That could be part of the factor. But look, often when people say this, they don't mean it. They're just being nice. Not that they're just being nice, giving you a compliment, but they might not be wanting to say, "Wow, you're really good at this," because they feel awkward doing that. So they deprecate themselves. "Wow, you're so much better at math than me. I'm never going to be that good." You know, they're not thinking, "I have low self-esteem and I'm looking for reassurance." They're just trying to be nice. It's an awkward compliment most of the time.

[00:23:47] So you have a few different responses here. I would say never emphasize the weakness. You don't want to pull the Sheldon Cooper and go, "You're right. You're terrible at math and you'll never be as good as me." That's generally not good. Instead, one, you can deflect. You can say something else, you can change the subject, you can ignore the comment and move forward. There's less reward for them and they might keep doing it. So if they keep doing it because you're deflecting and you know, you just go, "Oh, well anyway, dah, dah, dah." If you just ignore it and move forward, they may keep doing it. If they do, you can move to number two and number three. So number two here is disagree with them. You can say, "Well, look, it's not that bad. That's not what I'm seeing here." Or, "I don't see it that way at all." You really just disagree with them and then you move forward from there. Or three, you can agree with them, but of course, you reassure them. It's not patronizing really. And if it is, well, no, that's okay. They're asking for this by being self-deprecating. So in other words, you say, "Well, yeah, you're having some trouble with," I don't know, "Compound fractions, but we'll get through this." Telling people that they can improve on things is good for their resilience, and it's also good for your relationship.

[00:24:53] There's some recent science that shows that when you tell people that they're the kind of person that can handle the stress that they're in, that they actually do better. That's I got from Kelly McGonigal, who's going to be on the show soon. She had mentioned in her book about stress, that you can actually tell people that they seem like the kind of person who can handle this and you see that person feeling better about their own capability in handling a specific situation or problem. So that's kind of nice. Or you can agree and you can throw yourself in there and you can say, "Oh, you think I'm better at math than you? Well, look, we're both having trouble with this," or, "It looks like we're both stuck on this, or you and me, both." Then it brings you at the same level. This is a status game. They're trying to raise your status. And look, zooming out from how to handle this specific situation, I think what's going on here is the other person feels that there's a difference in social status and that's making them uncomfortable.

[00:25:45] So let's say you're helping somebody and they get the idea that you're really nervous. They're not necessarily doing this consciously, but they might think, "Oh, okay, if I self-deprecate, then they will feel a little bit more power in the interaction and the interaction won't be as awkward." So if you feel like you're struggling socially, which you mentioned in your letter, they may actually be trying to make you feel more comfortable. It might have nothing to do with their math skills. It might have nothing to do with your math skills. They're trying to change and rebalance the social status in the interaction, so that it's less awkward because maybe they get the idea that you are nervous because you feel low status. So they are trying to lower their status temporarily in your eyes so that they can have a more normal interaction with you.

[00:26:29] I think that's what's really going on. But what you can do is use these three responses -- deflect, disagree, or agree -- and that should also help with the status in balance. I think that's what's really going on here. I haven't been in your interaction, so it's hard for me to say, but I've seen this before and I think it's a status thing. I think it has nothing to do with math capability or their normal personality of being self-deprecating. I think that is an attempt to change the dynamic between you and them. Does that make sense?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:57] Totally makes sense. Totally makes sense. That's some really good advice. I'm going to implement this in the future. Because what I've been falling back on it and I'm like, "No man, you got this. You can be better than me in no time." That's kind of my go-to when somebody says something like that because I get that all the time when I'm teaching people podcasts, like, "You're so much better than me at this. I'm never going to be this good." I'm like, "No, man, you got this. You'll be better than me in no time," and move on, just get back to work.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:21] Yep. Agree. Often things that are weird socially or that are hard to explain, they come down to status. You know, you'd be like, "Oh, why is this person making fun of me? We're friends. Maybe they're mad at me about something." Nope. They just want to raise their status because they want to be viewed favorably by other people in the group. It has nothing to do with you. The reason they picked you is because they know they can pick on their friend and get away with it or like they know that they can try and lower your status to get this girl to like them or something. A lot of these sort of inexplicably social situations, they come down to status, especially among young people.

[00:27:53] As adults, we do less of it. Like if I'm in a room with you and Will Smith walks in, I'm not going to suddenly make fun of you because I'm 40 and we're over that crap. You know, but if we're 14 --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:05] Totally, yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:06] -- I might be like, "Oh yeah, dude, why don't you go fly your stupid drone, bro? What a nerd." You know like that's what young people do because they're insecure about where they are on the hierarchy.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:16] Right.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:17] Yeah.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:17] Totally makes sense.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:17] So that's what I think is probably going on here, especially 19-year-olds in college. It's like -- if this, by the way, is a woman that you're dealing with, there's, I would say, a double-digit percentage chance that they are interested in you. Or there's also, unfortunately, an equal or larger chance that you're a little awkward around them and they're trying to get you to not be. Whether it's because they like you or not, they're probably trying to make you feel more comfortable. Generally, when we self-deprecate, we're trying to get people around us to feel more comfortable.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:46] Good tips. Good tips.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:48] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:50] Dear Jordan, Jason, and Company. After a career change involving a year of work in the Middle East, doing diplomatic tasks, I came back in January to my country of origin. A small place in the middle of Europe with the idea to find a new job abroad in a similar position. Of course, the coronavirus situation put this plan on hold. And in March I applied to join a peace mission in the Balkan region with the army. Given that I'm a 32-year-old woman with no previous military experience, a tendency to speak my mind as it was clear by the very aggressive application letters that I sent them and not particularly fit, I was not fitting the typical army profile, and therefore I was pretty sure I would not get an interview for recruitment, but I did. They selected me for the position that I wanted a job in the field working on very interesting issues. This would definitely look good on my CV. I'm a little nervous, but also very excited for this new challenge. But -- there is a but -- during the interview, they also informed me that I would need to follow some military training beforehand, including weapons training. Wearing the uniform and carrying a gun during service would be mandatory for me, even if I would not technically be a soldier. I know that in the US some people have a passion for guns, and I guess that almost everybody has a friend who owns a weapon. Here, however, it's not that common. Moreover, I'm a pacifist and even if I'm not radically opposed to the existence of the army in my country, I always proudly campaigned against extending the military budget. On a more personal level, I just don't like guns. The idea of holding one makes me uncomfortable and I don't know how I'm going to react when I'll have to shoot. Rationally, I tell myself that it's a peace mission in my country isn't known for violence and war. I'm fairly confident that I would never have to use any weapon other than in training. This is why I decided to compromise with some of my principals and accept the job. Do you have any advice on how to tackle my aversion for guns? I still have a couple of months before the training starts and I would like to use this time to work on this issue. Should I be practical and find someone who lets me hold his or her gun and try to shoot? How can I mentally prepare for this compromise with my pacifist ideals? Thank you. Signed, Flower Power.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:56] Well, the first thing that comes to mind here is that you should think of shooting as learning how to control guns, weapons, so that they are safer. And this is true actually. I think the most ardent pacifists should know how to handle guns safely. Everyone should actually, it's like CPR. Also remember this is a tool for a job 99 point -- no more than 99.99 and we don't have all day repeating -- of you shooting in your entire life is going to be shooting at a stationary target at a gun range or hunting, which you probably won't do. The odds of you ever having to bust out your weapon and shoot a person is so -- they're not going to take a bunch of random small children and line them up and have you do target practice, right? You're taking a job with the army, the reason they want you to know this is not because they're going to deploy you to Afghanistan. You have to know this so that you can safely be around a ton of other people that have weapons. It's a safety thing. If somebody leaves their rifle against a wall or near them, they don't want you to not have any clue what's going on or try to pick it up and chuck it to them. You know what I mean? They need you to know how these things work, how they can be made safe. That's the whole point of this training. It is a tool for the job. You're around it all the time.

[00:32:09] If you worked in a factory, you wouldn't say, "Oh, I'm not going to wear a hardhat when I walk across the factory floor. I'm in accounting, so you know, I don't need -- nothing's going to hit me in the head." You just never know. That's why you got to wear a hardhat. They don't want one of those. What are those robots called again? We just talked about this, Jason, the ones that swing around, they can hit you in the head and kill you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:27] Oh yeah. The assembly line robots.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:30] Yeah. I'm drawing a blank again and so many people emailed me to do so. Like, "I work at Tesla, they're called this." Well, anyway, it doesn't matter. Think of the weapon is your hardhat. You just have to know how it works and how to use it. This is an integral – "in-ti-grəl," "in-te-grəl," however you want to pronounce it -- part of what you are doing to not understand these weapons or this concept at a deep and personal level is to not understand those you are working with and how to interact and communicate with them about what they do. You want to be inside as part of a team, not an outsider with special rules and special allocations. This is how you're going to earn people's respect. So they will be interested in hearing what you have to say and in supporting your work.

[00:33:09] Imagine going in and going, "Well, you know, I'm only doing this and everyone has to listen to me." And they're like, "You're the one who doesn't even want to touch guns and we're supposed to accept you as part of our group and respect you and listen to you. You don't even want to touch rifles because this and that and the other thing, come on, man. It's the army." I get where you're coming from, but I certainly understand where they're coming from as well. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:29] And absolutely try and find someone to show you the ropes before you get to training. It's not hard to learn the basics about how guns work and the basic safety protocols. There's some basic rules for firearm safety. Always keep your firearm pointed in a safe direction. Treat all firearms as if they were loaded. Keep your trigger finger outside the guard and off the trigger until you're ready to fire. Be certain of your target, your line of fire, and what lies beyond your target. That's very important. Always wear appropriate eye and ear protection when shooting and maintaining your firearm. And I'll add an addendum to this, which is never point your firearm at something you don't want to kill or destroy -- that comes back to a couple, that comes back to one and four. Being a pacifist doesn't mean you can't know how to properly use a firearm. Also you're going on a mission with other soldiers who if something goes wrong, are trained to take care of each other. By signing up, you take on that role and you owe it to your fellow soldiers who will be with you to be prepared to be able to do the same thing for them if unfortunately the situation arises. That's just part of the gig. Being a pacifist doesn't mean that if someone means you harm, you don't have the right to protect yourself with all the tools at your disposal. And I mean, that's my opinion but I think you should take this training very seriously. And if you can find somebody to let you hold a gun, hopefully, probably shoot it beforehand. So when you get there, you don't drop it the first time you pulled the trigger because that would be embarrassing. And you know, it only takes a few rounds to get the hang of it. It's really not that hard. I've taken dozens of people to the firing range for the first time, and within just a few minutes they can get comfortable with firing a gun even if they don't like guns. So you can get over this so you don't walk into training being a total newb.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:09] I think that makes sense. The army though is also used to training people that don't have the experience, but they just might be less patient than somebody at a gun range who you're paying to teach you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:18] Right. Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:19] But I would do that. I think if you're really, really worried about this, go to a gun range and take the intro class and they'll be very, very kind and patient. I mean, I feel like people who have guns as a hobby, they love nothing more than to be like, "Oh yeah, welcome here. Learn with us." Especially if you're in Europe, there's not a whole lot of people that are interested in learning how to shoot compared to the United States, for example. So they're going to treat you with very nice little kid gloves and make sure that you're comfortable -- if that's what you're worried about. I think getting rid of the anxiety around weapons is going to help you tremendously.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:35:51] Definitely.

[00:35:54] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:57] This episode is sponsored in part by BiOptimizers. As you know, everyone is facing challenges with the recent virus pandemic from stress, financials, sickness, quarantines, and not a lot of people who have not been touched by those, and a lot of people are having gut issues. If you weren't having them before, a lot of people are having them now, and gut issues aren't just about bloating or indigestion. And unfortunately your gut is under assault like never before with all the stuff going on out there and that you're eating and stuff that's got sprays on it and whatever. BiOptimizers is giving away a free bottle of their patented proteolytic probiotic, P3-OM. You know that all of these probiotics, they don't colonize your gut. All that stuff is kind of malarkey, but P3-OM I've talked about it multiple times on the show. You can actually watch this -- they have a video on their website of P3-OM dissolving a piece of raw steak. It's kind of an interesting/slightly gross proof of the pudding that this stuff works and P3-OM helps -- well, let's just say when you try it, you can see the results and they've got a really good money-back guarantee if you don't like it, of course. That's always important for anything like this. P3-OM is a great probiotic to help support your gut and the guts of those who love during this difficult time. So Jason, tell them where they can get a free bottle of P3-OM.

[00:37:08] They can go to p3om.com/jordanfree. That's P-three-the letter O-M.com/jordanfree, all one word, and you'll automatically get access to your unique coupon code to claim your free bottle. This is limited to one per household, and this offer is only available at p3om,com/jordanfree.

[00:37:28] This episode is also sponsored by ZENB. Have you ever heard of this? In fact, Z-E-N-B is kind of like, is it ZENB, but it's ZEN-B. These are Veggie Bites and Veggie Sticks that are plant-based, organic -- obviously, they're plant-based if they're Veggie Sticks -- organic, good source of fiber, gluten-free, non-GMO, no artificial flavors, colors or preservatives, and still somehow managed to not taste like cardboard, which is always nice. The company's little packs and you can just pop them in your mouth. They're like little chunks of -- I had the beet ones recently. It's like literally -- you know when you do juice, Jason, like when you make juice, like that fiber stuff comes out of the juicer. It's like that, but like ground up more and mashed together, so you just kind of chew on them. Like, think protein bar, but it's a vegetable protein bar. So what do you want to snack before a workout? Graze on something light throughout the workday. That's not going to be totally gross for you. I mean, I housed those beet things I will admit I housed those things. The range of Veggie First flavors, there's got nuts and fruits and spices in there. They're pretty unique. I haven't seen a lot of flavor profiles like this, and they deliver right to your door. So, you know, Veggie Snacks straight to your porch. What's not to love? Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:35] Visit zenb.com/jordan. That's Z-E-N-B.com/jordan to get 30 percent off any product and get a free trial. Yes, a free trial today. Terms and conditions apply.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:47] This episode is also sponsored in part by Progressive Insurance. Fun fact, Progressive customers qualify for an average of six discounts when they sign up for Progressive Auto Insurance. Discounts for things like enrolling in automatic payments, ensuring more than one car, going paperless, and of course, being a safe driver. Plus customers who bundle their auto with home or add renter's insurance save an average of 12 percent on their auto. There are so many ways to save when you switch. And once you're a customer with Progressive, you get unmatched claim service with 24/7 support online or by phone. It's no wonder why more than 20 million drivers trust Progressive and why they've recently climbed to the third-largest auto insurer in the country. Get a quote online at progressive.com in as little as five minutes and see how much you could be saving.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:30] Auto-insurance from Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, home and renter's insurance, not available in all states, provided and serviced by affiliated and third-party insurers. Discounts vary and are not available in all states and situations.

[00:39:44] Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:59] All right, what's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:00] Hi, Triple J. I'm an Ecuadorian living in the US since 2013. I moved here at 21 without knowing how to speak English. I've been listening to you since 2014 you've helped me learn how to speak and understand English better than any YouTube videos, so thanks Jordan. I love your eloquence and hope to meet with you in person someday. I'm a first-generation college student, the first kid of four boys, and currently go to a college in NYC called Baruch College to get a bachelor's degree of business administration in statistics. However, I'm not doing well in school. My GPA is 2.6 and I feel like I won't ever get a job that suits my skills. I wasn't doing that bad in the beginning, but having problems with my mom who was a single mother and having to plan on moving out eventually affected my grades. I was depressed for a few years, but I was able to cope with depression and change my lifestyle after seeing a therapist and practicing mindfulness meditation. Eventually, my mental health improved and I finally decided to move out. I started to do well on my own, but I didn't want to have a break from college because I was feeling too old to be in college and I'm 27 now. I just decided to stay in college with a full-time schedule to finish my bachelor's as soon as possible while working two part-time jobs. Months later, I luckily met someone in a mentorship program who helped me get a job in the bank as an associate banker, which was a blessing since they pay a bit more and have flexible schedules for college students. But now that I've found some stability in my life, I feel like I did everything wrong every time I see my GPA and my grades. I'm one semester away from graduation and I'd like to know if there's anything I can do to improve this situation. I'm worried that I'll be unemployable and get stuck as an associate banker, which is basically a bank teller forever because I don't have that 3.9 GPA from an Ivy League university that big companies look for. Also, I don't want my brothers to know that I have a low GPA. They're so excited about my graduation in what I'd done to move out and become independent, that they engaged much more in high school and worked their butts off to get into good colleges. So they can stay away from mom. This year, the youngest one got into Stanford University while the others got into NYIT and Columbia University.

[00:42:06] Man, that's a good roster.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:07] Yeah, good roster. I understand a little bit about why he's like, "I'm feeling some FOMO."

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:12] Yeah, seriously.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:13] Yeah.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:13] They told me they're proud of me, but I feel I'm a fraud because I don't have good grades and I'm a bank teller and unable to know what to do once I graduate. I hope there's something I can do about all this. Thank you guys. Best, Embarrassed by My GPA.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:27] Okay, dude, congratulations. First of all, you're an immigrant who came to a big super expensive city, worked two jobs, and is graduating from college. You beat depression, moved out on your own, have a job. Now you're getting a degree and you're worried about your GPA. I mean, I'm laughing right now. Jason, you'd mentioned something about him being an inspiration for his brothers too. Why don't you tell us -- that was an insightful comment.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:48] Yeah, yeah. No, I mean don't worry about your GPA. Your three brothers just hit the trifecta of great schools and they did that because of you. You inspired them to go do that. So who cares about your GPA? You can just go sleep on their couch in their McMansions once they hit it big. So, you know, problem solved.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:05] I get it. I mean, I understand worrying about that kind of thing, but talk about missing the forest through the trees. You're killing the game right now, man. You're catastrophizing and I get it. If you suffered from depression, I can also understand looking on the not so bright side of things. Jason, I know you and I both have experience with that.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:22] Just a little bit, just a little teeny tiny bit. Yes.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:25] I went and reached out to Kyle and another Jordan who are both recruiters who had listened to the show. And thank you, LinkedIn, for showing me people that know you that do this job. That's super helpful. Anyway, they answered and I said, "Do people even look at your GPA for jobs? I can't remember because I had a law job and they definitely did, but that was a very specific job and they were only looking at my first-year grade, so I don't have any concept of what's really going on right now."

[00:43:51] Kyle said, "Internships, yes, we look at your grades. Other than that, generally, no. From my experience as a recruiter." Again, this is Kyle. "Recruiters look at the school, especially if it's a top school for the industry. They look at your degree, they look at your work experience. In general, the better idea is to highlight whatever looks best. For example, if you've got a 4.0 or close to it, feel free to include it. Otherwise don't bother." And Jordan says, "Any larger company that requires any level of technical competence, so software, engineering, data engineering, statistics, et cetera, they will likely have you complete an assessment as part of the hiring process to showcase your skills. A GPA is irrelevant to the skills that you have now. It could be important for a fresh graduate entering a field if the company does not have an assessment." And it doesn't look like you're going into software engineering, data engineering, you know, you're working in banking. Perhaps if you're trying to go to some top investment bank or something as a banker. Maybe they would look at that type of GPA, but they might only look at the classes that are relevant to that particular GPA or that particular industry in part of your GPA. But for most normal jobs, you don't even have to worry about this as much. Jason, I don't know about you, but when I went to college and in law school. There was a phrase that people trumpeted a lot and it was, "C's get degrees."

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:06] There you go.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:07] And one of our professors said, "Hey, you know, if you get all A's in law school, you can become a professor. And if you get all B's, you can probably become a judge."

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:17] Are you saying you can be on the Supreme Court with B's?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:19] Yeah, you can become a judge, but if you get C's, unfortunately, you're probably just going to get rich. That's what they told us. Because you get a job at a law firm. You get a job at a law firm, nobody cares. Your C's get degrees, man. And I'm not saying go for only C's, but I am saying, don't worry about this as much as you are. What you're talking about with respect to your family is imposter syndrome or shame failure. You're afraid if your brothers find out about it, they're going to think less of you. I don't think this is true. And I don't think they will care about your grades or even ask about them. Look, they're inspired by you. They did all this great stuff for themselves.

[00:45:52] You're focusing on your flaws instead of your victories. And this is often something that makes us unhappy, but you know who does this the most overachievers. People who feel they've fallen short of their potential and they know that they can do better. That is a good sign of who you are right now. So use this as motivation to move forward. You don't have anything to prove. In my mind, you've already proven you're capable. If you keep working, you get experienced. No one will care about your GPA outside of specialized fields that require you to disclose that, and you'll be taking an assessment, anyway, which matters far more.

[00:46:25] Furthermore, if you're really stressing about this, take some easy courses. Go to school part-time for another couple semesters if needed. Take some classes online. Puff the crap out of your GPA. You don't have a bad GPA, but if you've got four or five more A grades in there for online courses you're interested in, you can drag that sumbitch over to 3.0 and higher. You'll never even have to think about this again. I think it's unnecessary though. I think you're being harder on yourself because you see the gap between where you are now and where you think you could be. But this is America, my dude, it's New York City. You know what they say? If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. And in my mind, given where you came from and where you're heading now, you're in the process of making it, brother. Don't be so hard on yourself. Keep working your jobs and stacking those skills. You won't even remember your grades in a couple of years.

[00:47:11] Recommendation of the Week. Kill Chain. Jason, have you seen this? I think it's new.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:14] I have not seen this one yet. Sounds interesting.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:16] So they did Hacking Democracy like 14 years ago and about how you can hack voting machines, and this is an updated version of the cyberwar on elections with all this new info. So it's a deep dive into the weaknesses of today's election technology, which I didn't understand much about those. I just thought like, oh, these machines aren't connected to the internet like they said. You can't really hack into them and these hackers, they're just like, "Here's how easy this thing is."

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:42] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:43] And they're hacking into these things remotely, like while they're sitting in the room. It's not even like, you don't have to like to put custom firmware on them. There are windows machines that have Wi-Fi and ethernet ports and USB ports. I mean, it's ridiculous how easy these things are to hack.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:58] Yeah. I've seen a bunch of Black Cat discussions on these and it is scary. It's like under 15 seconds on some of these machines and you're in and you can change everything. It's not good.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:08] Yeah, and people go, "Oh, well you'd have to hack --" They address all these things that go where they wouldn't have access to the machines beforehand and they show this guy like walking into where they store all these things.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:16] Totally, yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:17] While they're just sitting there and it's like", Oh, well you can't just do anything you want," and he goes and buys one for 75 bucks, like a recyclable one and turns it on it works, and then he's like, "Oh, well, you can't sit there and wire things up to it." And then he shows you how you can slip in a USB drive and does all the work for you, and yeah, like you said, 30 seconds later, it's dumping results and it's like, "Oh, well you'd have to hack all the ones at the precinct." And then he's like, "Nope. Here's how they're all networked together wirelessly. And if I hack one for the parking lot that I have in my trunk that I bought for 75 bucks, it networks with all the other ones." And you know, it's just insane how these things are ridiculous, how insecure they are. And they're trying to get rid of the paper voting audit. And it's like, no, we literally need to do paper and we can use these for preliminary results, but we need like some audit, not get rid of the audits. It's bonkers. So Kill Chain, it's on HBO. It's a documentary. It's brand new. And I thought it was really interesting. We'll link to it in the show notes.

[00:49:12] I hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show notes for the episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. A quick shout out to a Mercedes. Jason, I'll let you read this one on your own, but it sounds like she wants to get to know you a little better.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:49:27] Sounds like it, sounds like it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:49:29] So Mercedes, my man, here, you can reach out separately. So with that said, go back and check out the Darknet Diaries interview with me this week on this show as well, and our debunk of Plandemic, our take-down debunk of Plandemic. If you haven't heard those episodes yet, go back and check those out.

[00:49:49] And if you want to know how I managed to get all these opportunities, it's about my network. It's about who you know and about who knows you. I'm teaching you how to do this for free. That's the Six-Minute Networking course for free over on the Thinkific platform at jordanharbinger.com/course. You can't make up for the lost time. You got to dig the well before you're thirsty. Go learn it for free. It is not fluff. It is crucial. This has been great for my business and personal life. jordanharbinger.com/course I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of some of our interviews are at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:50:22] If you want to keep up with me, you can follow me at @jpdef on Twitter, at @JPF on Instagram, and jpd.me on the Web. And of course, I rant twice a week over at Grumpy Old Geeks. And as a farewell shout out, I want to say thank you to my good friend, Jordan, and Jen, for having me on for so long and putting up with my BS for so long and I'm going to miss everybody. And especially the, you know, hundreds if not thousands of fans I've met through the show. You guys are fantastic and I hope we can still stay in touch and it's been an honor to talk to you every week for the past seven and a half years.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:50:56] If you want to know who's going to be handling things next week on Feedback Friday, you just have to wait, because --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:51:03] You don't know!

Jordan Harbinger: [00:51:03] -- it's a surprise. Because we are screwed. No, it's a surprise. It's a surprise. People have guesses, I'm sure. I'm sure they do, but you'll just have to wait and find out.

[00:51:13] This show has created in association with Jason DeFillippo and PodcastOne. And this episode was produced by Jason DeFillippo and Jen Harbinger, edited by Jase Sanderson, show notes for the episode are by Robert Fogarty. Music by Evan Viola. Keeps sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions, and those of our guests are their own, and I'm a lawyer, but not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love. If you found this episode useful, please share it with somebody who can use the advice we gave here today. Lots more in store for 2020. We're excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we -- well, me, I'll see you next time.

[00:51:59] As promised, here's a clip from expediTIously.

Tip T.I. Harris: [00:52:03] So how can we kind of remove the stigma of mental health within a community?

Male Guest: [00:52:10] Everybody keeps telling me stories. People ask me that all the time. How you eradicate the stigma of mental health? Tell your story. Like, we'd be so afraid to talk about things that we're going through, how we feel or you know, the effects of certain things on us. A lot of shit ain't normal. Ain't normal to be getting guns pulled on you. You know, what I'm saying? It ain't normal to be sitting in a jail cell and then be in fucking solitary confinement for three months at a time. You know what I'm saying? Like think about the minds that we had to be in to even do some of the shit that we used to do back in the day, whether it was there was abuse first and then bring it down -- we just hurt people, hurt people, man.

Tip T.I. Harris: [00:52:45] My mentor, Ambassador Young, he said, man, you know, the condition of the household, at least in the civil rights era or ever since, you know what I'm saying? Even before then, back in Jim Crow day, so he's like it's really a trickle-down effect. The man is the head of the household, but when the man leaves the house, he has to deal with the conditions of the world. He treated like he ain't shit out in the world. So he takes that in that trauma. He came back and he treated the wife like she ain't shit. And then she takes that trauma and she treats the kid like he ain't shit. Then the kid kicked the dog and the dog chased the cat and the cat chased the mouse. So on and so forth. And it really just disturbed the ecosystem.

Male Guest: [00:53:38] And that's the beauty of therapy because I feel like, yeah, we all dealing with so much trauma, we got to get to the root of that trauma. Because if we don't get to the root of that trauma, we're just going to be a bunch of hurt people in pain, redistributing that pain. The motherfuckers that usually look just like us. You know what I'm saying?