313: My Boyfriend’s Flirty Friend | Feedback Friday

Transcript for My Boyfriend's Flirty Friend | Feedback Friday (Episode 313)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:03] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you. If you're new to the show on Fridays, we give advice to you and answer listener questions. The rest of the week, we have long-form interviews and conversations with a variety of amazing folks from spies to CEOs, athletes to authors, thinkers and performers.

[00:00:34] This week, we had Susan David talking about emotional agility. What gets us into autopilot thought loops and how are those destructive to our relationships and to ourselves? She is a brilliant mind. A good friend of mine and a great presenter. And she's got a cool accent, frankly. So there's that. And afterward, we spoke with John Tierney with a deep dive into negativity bias. Why do we so often focus on the negative? Is this a bad thing and how do other people use this bias to manipulate us and what can we do to regain that control? So make sure you've had a look and a listen to everything we created for you here this week.

[00:01:10] Of course, our primary mission here on The Jordan Harbinger Show is to pass along our guests and our own experiences and insights to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you, and that's what we're going to do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. I just want to place one brick in the structure that makes up your life. That's really what this podcast is about. You can reach us on friday@jordanharbinger.com.

[00:01:35] By the way, a lot of people have said, what is this veggie wash clip at the end of some of the recent episodes of the show? Well, it's from The Adam Carolla Show. We just forgot the little insert part that says, "Hey, stay tuned for a clip from The Adam Carolla Show, which is available on PodcastOne." [Ed. Note: We didn't forget it. If you didn't notice it, it's probably because you chose to skip the batch of commercials mentioning it -- so that's on you!] So sorry for everyone who was confused and being like, "What podcast is that from? It's so funny." And the other people who said, "What podcast is that from? I don't think it's supposed to be in your show. Who are these people?" Sorry for everyone that was confused. Also, you may notice we have new show art for the podcast. I'm glad to finally have some show art that truly represents who I am, which is a guy with a silly haircut and a shorn cat. So a lot of people have been asking me about when we're going to update that and we're going to update the whole site. Let us know what you think of the new show art as long as you like it. And if you don't like it, keep your damn mouth shut because I don't care.

[00:02:24] Also, a lot of you have been asking me what I'm thinking about during interviews, what's on my iPad. I'm going to do something more in-depth on this at some point, but just FYI, during the interview, if you're watching us on YouTube and if you're just listening to the show, what's going through my mind when I'm interviewing someone, I'm mostly focused on their answer. Even if I already know what the answer is going to be because of my research or I think I know what the answer is going to be because of my research. You never know if you're going to be right or if something else is going to come off of that. Sometimes. I'm thinking of very specific audience members, so I might be thinking, what would Sue in Minnesota think about this or ask about this or how would this hit her? Or I'm processing my own reaction. I'm never, ever, ever thinking about my next question, and I think this is important. That's why I'm mentioning it because a lot of hosts are doing this. It ruins the conversational flow. It'll get you stuck on, well, it'll get me stuck on my own stuff if I was thinking about what to say next. There's nothing quite as nonpresent as thinking about the next thing you're going to say in any conversation, whether it's an interview or not, and it leaves all of the best spontaneous conversational threads and information on the table, which is not good. That is not what you're looking for in a podcast.

[00:03:34] A lot of hosts are doing this. A lot of people do this in regular conversations and you can really tell. You can really tell the kind of joke, Jason, that you and I always toss around as some of them will say, "Yeah, so thanks to my parents who adopted me from Africa, because without them, I never would have thought to become an infectious disease specialist." And then the host goes, "So what are three books that you recommend?" It's like, "What the hell are you doing?" Like how jarring is this for somebody who's actually paying attention.

[00:04:04] By the way, whoever sent us the podcast master of onesie for Jayden. Thank you. That was very sweet of you. I've gotten a lot of great gifts. Many are coming without names, so if you didn't get a personalized thank you email from me personally, from Jen, it is because we don't know who you are. We are very conscientious about thanking everyone that sends anything, whether it's for me, for Jen, for Jayden, for the whole team. If you've never heard from us, some things get lost in the mail, but usually it's because, "Who sent us 27 cans of high-grade baby food directly from Whole Foods?" whatever, like we don't know. And we can't find out, and when we call the company, they won't tell us for privacy reasons. So if you didn't hear from us and you sent us something, thank you. It's not on us. We are not that entitled. I just want to make sure that everyone knows that.

[00:04:48] That's a lot of housekeeping. Sorry for that. But Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:52] Hey, Triple J. My boyfriend has a close friend who flirts with him in front of me. Here's some background. I knew this woman before my boyfriend and I started dating. Over a year ago, she told a group of my classmates and me that she was interested in him. She also talked about how his former girlfriend didn't like her because she would flirt with him. She told us that she would always try to find ways to touch him. She wasn't aware that I was also interested in him at the time. I've noticed lately that she's been very touchy with him picking things off of him, touching his legs, trying to put her legs in his lap, poking him, and these are not the only ways she flirts with him. Thankfully, the flirting is one-sided. My boyfriend always pushes her touching away and he doesn't convey any interest in her, but I'm stuck as to what I should do. I haven't discussed any of this with my boyfriend, and I'm not sure that he's aware of what she's doing. What's the best way for me to approach this situation? Thank you for your time. Signed, An Irritated Girlfriend.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:45] Well, guys are clueless generally, well, not generally. A lot of times guys are clueless, but in this case, Jason, I don't know what you think, but he knows.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:53] Oh, he totally knows, absolutely he knows.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:56] He knows. I always try to give guys, well, everyone the benefit of the doubt on this stuff, especially guys because I think we're often pretty dense, myself included. But I really think he knows here. First, he pushes her away so he knows something is up and something's not appropriate. It's not just, "Oh, she's interested in me and I'm not interested in her. Let me push this away." It's, "I'm going to push her away because my girlfriend is here and she's going to get pissed." Like he knows his ex has already brought this up. So if she's interested in him, and it's literally been years, she's probably already thrown a Hail Mary or two and communicated her interest and been rebuffed and had a couple of drinks one night and said, "Hey, you know what's going on?" Or tried to kiss him or something. And he said, "No, it's not like that." And she's like, "Oh, I just said too much alcohol." I guarantee you. Something like that has happened in the past few years. How many people wait that long and drop subtle hints. Not many. Also if the ex-girlfriend was annoyed with him and with this woman because she was doing that stuff way back before you even got together. Then the ex-girlfriend likely also brought this up and said something and he just went like, "No, it's not like that. It's totally cool." So he knows, even if he's in denial, I just don't believe for a second that he's that oblivious. And even if he was that oblivious, somebody has told him before and namely his ex and he just doesn't listen.

[00:07:13] So you have to ask yourself, why are they friends? Here's my theory. She makes him feel good. She makes him feel attractive and look, that's okay in some ways, but what is not okay is that there is a likelihood, a near certainty. That this girl is jealous and would sabotage your relationship at a moment's notice in order to steal your man if she thought she had a chance. You don't need someone like that all up in your business or trying to get a foot in the door with your partner. Nothing about that is healthy for you. Nothing about that as healthy for your relationship or really for any party as there's a woman who is dealing with some unrequited love and seemingly not taking the hint and doesn't respect your relationship or his boundaries. I would actually ask him why they're friends and how he would feel if he were in your shoes. Maybe even your ex's shoes, if you want to sort of put it on in that term. Also, ask him if he thinks it's good for your relationship. "Hey, do you think it's good for our relationship that so-and-so was always putting the legs on you and it's making me annoyed just like it made your ex annoyed. Do you think it puts stress on your previous relationship as well?" The answer is going to be yes, and he's going to know that because what you can't do here, you can't forbid him from seeing her or any sort of wacky controlling girlfriend type stuff, or this will just get worse. Blow up in your face, make you into the bad guy.

[00:08:35] If you can have him go through the process, the thought process of putting himself in your shoes and possibly in his ex's shoes, he may come to see why this woman is bad news for any relationship he will ever be in. That is not with her; namely, a woman that he's clearly not even interested in. This is going to be bad for him forever unless he ends up with her. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. Sometimes guys are really thick-headed, but often we're just more insecure than we are thick-headed and maybe you can help him see the light here. It's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. "Oh, well, you know, so and so's the only girl that's always there for me when my other relationships go south," and then it's like, "Well, yeah," but the other half of that sentence is "Angela is the only other girl," -- or whoever she is -- "She's the only girl who's there for me when my relationships go south because she's the one helping my relationships all go south to her behavior, and I'm enabling that." Like that's what you need to get him to realize and if he doesn't get it, you get to decide what's next. But sometimes that means moving on to a guy who's maybe more self-aware, maybe who's more emotionally mature when it comes to himself and his relationships. More respectful of his partners, very reasonable feelings when it comes to these kinds of things. This just might be a lesson he has to learn the hard way. All right. Next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:55] Hey there, Jordan and team. I have friends that when something happens between us, they give me the silent treatment, which I highly dislike and I'm the type of person to want to get things settled and out of the way for the sake of the friendship. Yet, when I tried to talk it over, they say they don't want to talk about it or they ignore me. Am I in the wrong here to want things fixed and not want things to worsen or are they in the wrong here? Plus, when people say they need time, how much time should I give them? When would it be considered safe or a good time to check back in or should I just forget it and expect the other person to eventually come around? Thanks. Signed, The Impatient One.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:30] Okay, so are you in the wrong to want things to get fixed and not get worse? No, I'm like that. So of course, I think that's the right way to handle things. That said, some people do need to cool off. They don't want to work themselves up even more, and they need time to process. I hate that it annoys me, but yeah, I respect it. I have to respect it and so do you. That said, if these people are just being dramatic, your friends or they're giving you the silent treatment, and "I want to talk to you right now," that sounds really immature. It sounds really dramatic. It's silly and it's counterproductive. Ain't nobody got time for that. When people say they need time, give them a few hours, give them a few days if it's a really big deal, it depends on them. You'll figure out where this is with each of your close relationships. For me, if I'm angry, I need like five minutes. If I'm super angry, I need maybe 10 minutes. For other folks, they need a day, they want to sleep on it. I know some people who say they can't talk to me for a week if they're really mad. Guess what? I'm not friends with those people anymore because they're ridiculous drama queens and again, ain't nobody got time for that.

[00:11:36] Many people will be embarrassed or consider the issue finished once they cool off. In my humble opinion, it helps to check back in with them in a non-confrontational way to make sure they're okay. So instead of saying something like, "Hey, are you still all bent out of shape because they ate your stupid Chinese food leftovers." You should say, "Hey, I'm still feeling bad about making you angry the other day, or this morning, whatever. Are we cool or do you still need some time?" Of course, if you can make things right in a really obvious way, then do it. If you eat someone's pizza, buy him another stinking pizza that should do it. You know? Throw him an apology on a pizza. That should be the end of it. Unless it's like the fifth time you've done that.

[00:12:11] To be honest, if you've got a lot of people around you pulling this whole silent treatment thing. You might want to evaluate the level of emotional maturity these people bring to the relationship. I think a lot of people who do that are either young or they are in desperate pathological need of attention, and it's just a massive energy suck. Look, if someone is doing this and they're not under 20 years old. That's ridiculous and immature. I cut these people out with a quickness because Jason, can you guess why? That's right. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:48] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:51] This episode is sponsored in part by a Honey. Online shopping is supposed to be easy, but finding coupon codes is another story. It's a plugin, Honey is. And what it does? It's an online shopping tool. Excuse me. It saves you money online. What Honey does is it finds the best promo codes and applies them to your cart. To explain, imagine you're shopping on one of your favorite sites, like Target Best Buys, Sephora, whatever, eBay, Etsy, Walmart. You go to the checkout and you know where it says like promo code -- got a promo code, put it in here -- you click honey and it will remind you to do so. So you don't have to remember. It runs through every promo code that's in the honey database. And it will be like, "Oh, here's the one that saves you the most. It's free shipping plus 10 percent off," or whatever it is. So I've saved money on a bunch of random stuff, like little gadgets or travel, and it can also watch Amazon pricing. So if you go to buy something, Jason, you know how on Amazon sometimes price fluctuates on things, and usually it's like this was 43 cents cheaper last week, so you don't care. Some stuff was like $43 cheaper last week. I think we saved literally $43 on a video baby monitor, which is awesome, and you can't find that unless you're looking at Amazon prices history and Honey, we'll actually do that for you. 18 million members, two-billion dollars plus in savings, and it works for like 30,000 online stores and they're adding them constantly. So great plugin to have. It's free. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:17] Not using honey is literally passing up free money. It's free to use and install in just two clicks. Get Honey for free at joinhoney.com/jordan. That's joinhoney.com/jordan.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:30] this episode is also sponsored in part by HostGator. When a recent guest in real-life Indiana Jones Steve Elkins went hunting for a rumored city in the Honduran Rainforest, he found a place that had been lost even to locals for 500 years, but it shouldn't take Steve Elkins to find you and your personal or professional presence online. That was a really corny transition, but I'm going to use it. Unfortunately, if you don't own your own website, you can expect to remain undiscovered for the next half-century as potential connections and clients flock to your more visible competition. Don't get lost in a metaphorical South American underbrush when HostGator can guide the civilized world your way. Not savvy to the tech details required to establish your own unique presence on the web that goes worldwide, not a problem. HostGator takes care of all that for you so you can keep on doing whatever it is you do best. This is why we've been recommending HostGator for as long as we've had this freaking podcast. It's the company we trust to keep you online through any hazards the internet might throw your way. I can't protect you against those snakes though, those things are just nasty. You don't have to know the first thing about programming or design in order to custom craft your own mobile-friendly website. Thanks to HostGator's simple drag and drop builder. Choose from hundreds of themes. You can switch it up as you see fit or run it all on WordPress if that's what you want to do. If you've got a tight budget, don't worry. As long as you're a new user, go try any HostGator package for up to 62 percent off, just for hearing this sweet, sweet sound of my voice. And if you're not completely satisfied with everything HostGator has to offer, you've got 45 days to cancel it for a refund of every last penny. Now go check out hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/jordan. Support the show, support your business and your online presence.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:10] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals and if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review on iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, just head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:16:36] All right, what else we got?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:16:38] Hi Jordan. I'm leaving next Friday with my mother and sister for a two week trip to Asia. I'm a 23-year-old female and my sister is 15. I'm excited but scared we'll kill each other because of my mom's high energy and ADHD. The only time we've traveled together, just us three was Canada in 2017. My mom was constantly snoozing reminder alarms going off on her phone in restaurants, getting only halfway through every thought before becoming sidetracked and to being so distracted by your phone or surroundings that the locals were constantly having to dodge out of her way before she walked into them, which she never noticed. I'm typically a pretty calm and reserved person and feeling disruptive really bothers me. My sister and I got very frustrated and started admittedly nagging her and even physically pulling her out of people's way in an attempt to not be those dickish tourists. Eventually, she blew up and shouted at us about how we were ruining the vacation and no one was happy. All the problems we had on the tripper issues at home too, but 10 times worse when abroad. Do you have advice on how we can all stay sane and considerate of locals or any tips on handling ADHD in a stimulating environment? Thanks a lot. Signed, The Self Conscious Tourist.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:47] Wow. Well, okay. How annoying does your mom sound? Sorry, but holy cow, that makes me glad, I don't know anyone like that, personally. I'm glad you have your sister to help you here, but it sounds like your mother is not only ADHD but very oblivious to her own behavior. I get being ADHD but the least you can do when you're that hyperactive is to also be neurotic so that you can hyper self-manage a kid. There's a lot here, including potentially taking your mom to a doctor and having her tested for ADHD or something like that, but it might be a bit late to teach an old dog new tricks, so to speak, and you don't want to necessarily medicate your mom.

[00:18:24] A few things you can do here. One -- and I love this idea -- make a no phone rule when in restaurants and public places, snoozing alarms that are bumping up, you know that like radar sound. I hate that and I hate it when it goes off in my own house, let alone four times during a meal and everyone's looking at you. It's so irritating and obnoxious and rude. Bumping into people, all that. That is so annoying for everyone. That's a big no-no. You can even get those little pouches that won't open, so if she can't sort of follow the rule or there's something going on, these pouches are called Yondr, Y-O-N-D-R. There is no E in there, Y-O-N-D-R. We'll link to it in the show notes. I think these are more commercial grade. They're for like, you're going to see Dave Chappelle at the Apollo or something and you have to put your phone in the case, but they're not going to take your phone. You just can't open the case. Just remember, you also have to follow the rule yourself if you don't have phones. It could be fun to have a no phone trip more or less, or phones only when needed, but it sounds like that's going to be tough. I would throw them in the pouches, but you have to make sure they're on silent. The last thing you want is her stupid alarm going off and then it's in a bag that you can't open. That's even worse than her snoozing the alarm. Maybe, somebody like your sister or you holds everyone's phone.

[00:19:42] Another thing that people do sometimes when I go out to dinner -- Have you ever done this, Jason? You put your phone face down on the table. You put it on silent or turn it off, put it on airplane mode. You put it face down on the table and a stack and the first person who touches the phone, it's like they have to pay, but really you're not just, you're just not supposed to touch the damn phones. Do you ever do that?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:00] Oh yeah. Yeah. The definitely the first person to touch the phone pays for everybody. It's a good one and there's always somebody who can't hold it and breaks and then I'm just like, "Hey, cool, free dinner." The other thing you could do, and this is kind of sneaky, just steal her SIM card when she's not looking before you go out. But you'll still get the alarms. That's the problem with that. But she's also going to be an Asia so they might not even have good signals anyway. So maybe this is a good time to have a cell-free trip.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:22] Yeah. I mean the only problem is she gets lost and then she can't use the dang phone and then it's like you took my SIM card and I got kidnapped by ISIS. You know, like dammit can't win. Tasha Eurich from a couple of weeks back her episode. She had some great tips on helping other people become more self-aware. So definitely have a listen to that. Also to make yourself more self-aware. Have a listen to that. Grab the worksheets, maybe even listen with your mom and with your sister. Do the exercises as a family. I think it'll be fun. That is if your idea of fun is pointing out your mother's flaws and let's be honest, everyone loves doing that. Who doesn't love doing that? If pointing out flaws in your mother and parents is wrong, I don't want to be right. Seriously, though, it does sound super irritating and I feel for you. I think this is one of those things that will be hard to control. But getting rid of the phone sounds like it would be a step in the right direction.

[00:21:13] Just remember, if she does it, you have to do it as well. Even though you're not the one running into strangers 15 times on the way to Starbucks in the morning. It's like reverse parenting somehow it just might work and let me know how your trip goes. All right. Jason, what's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:27] Hello, Jordan. I would first like to say how grateful I am for you and your various podcasts and interviews that I've heard. They have been incredibly helpful in my life professionally and personally. I have three brothers. I'm from Arkansas, so it's complicated and I'm the second oldest, but I've often been in the position of being the oldest as far as success and maturity. This kind of sucks for me because I need advice and guidance, but I generally have no one to turn to. Not really a solid father or male mentor situation either. You're basically the big brother that I wish I had anyways. Thank you. Truly, I would like your advice on getting through grad school. I feel like I'm very intelligent, hardworking, and skilled socially, but I've had a tough time finding balance here. I tend to either be too social or personal and my work tends to take a hit or I'm too involved in school or research and my social life takes a hit. What would you recommend for a successful balance? Also, any other advice on being successful in school would be very much appreciated. Although I'm really skilled in statistics and computer-related skills, I'm not a huge fan of being on my computer all the time. I tend to prefer schmoozing activities because I like being around and talking to people. Should I invest more time in this arena? Kindly, Unbalanced at University.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:36] Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm happy to be a role model if we can use that term very loosely and pat myself on the back a little. This is going to be controversial, but I worked way too hard in school. I worked way too hard in school. Don't get me wrong, you should work hard in school, but I did virtually no socializing. Or I should say nowhere near enough socializing. What many people don't tell you is that college, especially at the graduate level, is all about connections and network formation. In fact, undergraduate and graduate level, it's all about connections and network formation. Yes, you need competency. You need to pass your courses. You need to get that degree. You need good grades if you're going to get accepted to a PhD program or get job opportunities at the base level. But truthfully, most of those benefits and the best of the other opportunities you'll get from schooling or education, they go to those with the strongest connections and the strongest networks.

[00:23:32] So if you'd rather build relationships and build those skills and you're good at it, or you want to get good at it, by all means, I say, go for it. Many people at advanced levels of study actually lack social skills. They tend to be poor networkers and poor relationship developers, which actually disadvantages them later in their lives and later in their careers and early in their careers for that matter. If you're able to gain a base level of credibility, accreditation, education, earn the degree, gain fluency and competency in your area. But then you turn what most people dread networking an area where most people are weak into your strongest competitive advantage. You'll have a ton of benefits.

[00:24:13] When I got hired at the law firm, I've told this story a million times, so I'll keep it short, but when I got hired on Wall Street at my law firm, the guy who hired me, Dave, he was one of the youngest partners, and I asked him why he was never in the office because I thought working from home would be awesome and probably stopped me from getting fired. He told me he wasn't necessarily home. He was out generating business for the firm. So not only did he make partner earlier and make more money than everyone else, when the firm was going under, he actually left and became a partner at another firm and many partners at the firm that went under, they couldn't get other jobs because they didn't have a book of business, so they weren't really bringing in any value to other law firms, which is a huge problem. So it's job security. It helps you make more money. The skill, the trade that you're in that's going to earn you money. It's going to get you a job. But really the best people in jobs or companies like that are people that not only have a base level of skill but also can generate business for whatever organization that they're in -- law firm, private practice, even academia. I'll tell you this, if you're the professor that's out speaking everywhere and getting invited to tons of conferences and getting paid to speak at Apple, LinkedIn, Facebook about your work, you are probably making a hell of a lot more money, then somebody who is in there writing research papers all the time. It depends on the industry, but generally, those people have a much, much sweeter deal. Because if they leave, all that prestige and benefit that they're bringing to their university goes somewhere else. So often they can say things like, "Yeah, give me a three-year sabbatical so I can go speak and write a book and I get to keep all the fees and money from that stuff." I mean, there's a lot more leverage that you have versus just teaching intro, political science or whatever it is that you're studying.

[00:25:54] So yes, you should invest in the academic area if you enjoy it. You should definitely invest in a networking and relationship development area if you enjoy it and you don't outright screw up your academics. I've tried the balance the other way, academic heavy, and it did nothing for me in terms of career prospects. Again, you don't want to fail. You don't want to blow out your chances of getting a degree or a job, but once you hit that minimum threshold of like, "All right, I'm getting B minuses or whatever, sort of like B plus on these things. I don't need to be the best one ahead of the class." Then you can move on. In the end, I even got my job out of law school where I worked my butt off, graduated in like the top third of the class, nobody cared. The way I got my job was a buddy of mine handed his resume to his boss's boss, and this buddy of mine happened to be like my friend's friend's roommate from back in undergrad. He handed my resume and I got an interview when I didn't have one scheduled, they flew me to New York. He put in a good word for me, and since I had essentially passing grades at law school, I got hired on Wall Street. It had nothing, almost nothing to do with my grades, other than the grades I had were decent enough so that they knew I could do the work when I got in the door. That was it.

[00:27:05] So yeah, focus on that. You might even be the only person in your class that has a modicum of social skills and a good network. That's a massive advantage. Instead of being like one of the 15 people that got straight A's. Grades are a lot less of a differentiator than a network, which is unique to you. If you're not doing Six-Minute Networking, I highly recommend you do that. Put that into practice in your academic institution and in the job search. Go to Jordan harbinger.com/course. It's free and designed to help you get good at this stuff. All right. Next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:37] Hello team. I'm a self-employed businessman who works in a variety of areas, one of which includes the field of youth sports. I worked for a small company year-round that hosts events and publishes media on the athletes that we work with. Well, I have my own enterprises. The work I do for this company makes up the bulk of my month to month income. The work is fine, but the problem that I have is getting paid on time. This company is small with only four employees that work year-round. The head of the company is a close friend of mine and I've known him for over 15 years. He was even in my wedding and I consider him a close confidant. I was there at the beginning when he started the company and a few years later he hired me on full time to work alongside him. He's empowered me to build my own brand. It has done countless things to help me prosper over the years. I send him a standard invoice at the end of each month and he pays me by check. Lately, I've had to follow up my email with a text message several days later to arrange a pickup of my check. Aside from checks being cumbersome in the year 2020, waiting on him to cut the check is annoying. Typically, I have to work around his schedule as to when it's convenient for me to go to his house to pick up the check or have him leave the check in a secure location for pickup.

[00:28:44] Furthermore, constantly having to initiate the conversation about getting paid to be a text message is beginning to feel demeaning. Perhaps I'm being over-sensitive, but I feel like I'm having to beg for the money that I'm owed. Money isn't an issue with the company. Revenue comes in through a variety of channels throughout the year, so I know this is not a warning bell about the company being in financial trouble and my friend, the company president, is not afraid to show off his lavish wardrobe on social media either. The money is clearly there. So how do I bring up this issue without being whiny? Is there something deeper going on here or does my boss simply lack any self-awareness? He's a good friend. Conversations that would be standard and other professional realms are a little more awkward in my situation. Signed, Just Cut the Check.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:29:29] Yeah, so this is not cool. First off, who pays by check? He needs a payroll company or just at least use ACH transfers or something. Is he too cheap to do this because yeah, it costs some money, but it's not that much for a payroll of four people? If he is cheap, that's not good because there is withholding and taxes and all that stuff. Is he calculating that right? If he's not using a payroll company, I mean, that's kind of annoying to do on your own. I don't really understand here. You should ask how that's being handled so that you don't end up on the hook for a bunch of taxes. Is he withholding and then cutting you a check, like what's going on? That is so weird. And also, is this a hand-cut check? This is bizarre, to be honest. Our company has a small handful of contractors and employees and we don't even use checks. It's actually more annoying and more trouble than auto-draft ACH payroll. Also, no one is being whiny about asking for money that you are owed for your job.

[00:30:26] The very fact that you asked me this makes me wonder if you're being made to feel that way deliberately by your boss. Maybe he's just less organized. Maybe he likes to keep tight control of his company funds and feels like he can't trust payroll companies or something. But there's a part of me that wonders if he gets off on forcing you to ask repeatedly for your money and then making you jump through logistical hoops in order to get it. You say he's a friend at a nice guy, so maybe I am reading into this too much, but there's something here that sounds a little like maybe it could be controlling. Again, I don't have enough evidence to make that accusation for real. It's just something to be aware of. Like is he constantly, "Oh, hey, sorry, I'm not going to be there after all. Oh, hey, sorry. Hey, can you do this now?" You know, does, it's hard to see if someone's getting off on control, but if this is happening repeatedly. It's like, "Well, okay, are you disorganized or is this a control issue? Do you have a complex that's going to be annoying?" Does he do it with other things other than your money?

[00:31:23] You say he's a friend, so professional conversations might be awkward. Honestly, if he's a friend, conversations about money should be easier. Not harder. Friends care about each other. He should be open to your concerns, both as a friend and also as a professional who happens to be your employer. If I were you, I would insist on a better form of payment. In fact, he can pay you using Venmo. He can pay you using PayPal. He can pay you using ACH. These are super easy to set up and I would insist on it. There are absolutely zero reasons you should have to do this rigmarole every two weeks or every month, and I think you should put your foot down when it comes to this. There's just no reason for it. Jason, has this ever happened to you? Has anybody ever dragged you through this bull crap?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:07] Systematically like this, not as much, but as a contractor, I do get jerked around quite often. I do have to say you guys pay instantly via ACH and it is very pleasant, very pleasant, but he can also do things like, instead of just handing him an invoice, he can use something like FreshBooks that has automatic nudge detection built-in. So if they don't check the invoice or if they look at the invoice and they don't pay it over a certain amount of time, it will send them the email saying, "Hey," then after a certain amount of time, you can tack on another like 5 percent late fee. And inside of that, you can actually have them pay by credit card or now ACH. So there are all sorts of ways that you can do this. But yeah, this is, I don't know, I mean, I just kind of get the feeling it's a dick move.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:47] I do too. Yeah, we pay right away. One, we planned for it. We budgeted for it, and two, there's just no reason, somebody who works with you, for you should wait for their money because you're too late. "Well, I got paid so I don't give a crap if other people get paid." Like how selfish are you? You know, there's disorganized where it's like, "Oh shoot. Yeah, payroll, my bad." You have very few obligations to your employees other than being a good manager and paying them on time is like the top of that list. So what the hell kind of boss are you if you can't even pay people on time? There is a big part of me that thinks this guy knows. This isn't like, "Oh man, sorry, I'm more of an artist than a businessman. My bad, I forgot again." It's like maybe once a quarter. "Oh, shoot. Sorry. I, my kid got really sick and I forgot to run payroll." Even, that's ridiculous because it's like the one thing you have to do at the same time every two weeks or every month. I just don't buy it. I think this is deliberate. I think the guy likes feeling in-charge and having other people beg for their money cause it makes them feel like a big man. And he probably doesn't like that part of himself. So. He doesn't act like that in a lot of other ways, but I can't believe that there's anybody who does this consistently. That's not deliberately being an asshole.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:59] Yeah, seriously. I'm a one-man shop. I have a one-man corporation and I have a bookkeeper that once a month handles payroll for me. It cost me a few bucks, but he puts in all the paperwork. Does the ACH transfer between the bank accounts and pays my taxes, and it's like under a hundred bucks a month per employee, I think I literally pay 25 bucks to have him do it for my one employee. And you just set up with a bookkeeper. They'll take care of this stuff, you know, systematize it.

[00:34:26] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:30] This episode is sponsored in part by Zoro.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:32] If you purchase supplies for a small to midsize business, zoro.com, Z-O-R-O.com is your go-to resource. At Zoro, you'll find all the things that keep a business running no matter what kind of business you're in. Zoro offers tools, safety equipment, cleaning, and maintenance supplies, office and shipping, automotive and industrial equipment, and more, including the specialty items. You can't find anywhere else. Whether you're shopping for an office, factory, contracting business, or machine shop. You can get exactly what you need and when you shop at Zoro, you'll find a brand you already know and trust, like 3M, Prestone, Milwaukee tool, Schneider Electric, and Proto all at competitive prices. Want fast free shipping, it's yours when you spend $50 or more. And if you have a question or return or need help finding exactly the right item, count on Zoro's customer service team based right here in the US. Visit Z-O-R-O.com/jordan and sign up for Zmail to get 15 percent off your first order, zoro.com all you need to make your business go.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:35:29] This episode is also sponsored by Zoom.

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Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:23] This episode is also sponsored by the LightStream. How much money are you paying in interest on your credit cards every month? Too much? Yeah. Why not consolidate your credit cards into just one payment at a lower fixed rate and start saving money? I normally don't have sponsors like this with finance stuff on the show, but we checked out reviews of LightStream and we're pretty satisfied with it. And also credit card companies aren't going to be sponsoring me anytime soon after I say the following, but they're predatory AF and they are glad when you miss a payment because they can tack on what, like 14 to 21 percent interest, Jason. I don't know. It's been a while since I've even looked at that. I think 20 percent APR or higher is sometimes --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:02] I've got a 27 percent card. So yeah, it goes higher. It definitely goes higher.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:06] That's insane. That is like a criminal -- The mafia probably has lower interest than some of these companies. Geez. So credit card consolidation loans from LightStream rates are as low as 5.95 percent APR with autopay on. So you can get a loan from five to a hundred grand with absolutely no fees. You get your money the same day that you apply. This isn't a frickin scammy like payday loan thing. This is a consolidation loan here, and that's important really. Jason, I know we have a recent customer testimonial as well.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:36] I heard the radio ad and said it was worth looking at. I was a little skeptical because I'd never done anything like this online before. To my great surprise, the loan process was very simple and easy to navigate through. I wish all loans were this efficient.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:49] Jason, tell him where they can find more info about LightStream.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:51] Just for our listeners, apply now to get a special interest rate discount and save even more. The only way to get this discount is to go to lightstream.com/jordan. That's L-I-G-H-T-S-T-R-E-A-M.com/jordan. Subject to credit approval, rate includes a 0.5 percent autopay discount. Terms and conditions apply and offers are subject to change without notice. Visit lightstream.com/jordan for more information.

[00:38:16] Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us going and keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:34] All right. Last but not least.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:36] Hello. What are some tips for someone without a college degree going into interviews for entry-level corporate jobs? I've been working as a personal trainer for the last two years and have two years of gym sales and management experience before that. I'm willing to work hard for a career with long-term earning growth potential, but I'm hesitant about investing thousands of dollars and years of my life in a college degree since many of my friends with degrees are making less than I am already. All feedback is appreciated. Best wishes. Signed, New Horizons.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:05] True. Many jobs require degrees and many do not. Some of the highest paid jobs in any industries such as sales jobs, don't usually require a degree. So if you start at a company and you move up, they'll often pay for you to go to school in the evening or whatever to get a degree so that you can move forward if they're really rigid in that requirement. So no worries on the financial investment in that case, because the company pays for it. I would go that route and not get some random, possibly worthless degree. Spend the money, spend the time just to get a few letters that you may not even need or that a company would later pay for you to obtain. These companies won't even interview you most of the time, almost any of the time, if you don't meet basic qualifications. So if you're sitting there getting an interview because they called you after you applied, they know you don't have a degree. I wouldn't waste one single second worrying about whether or not that's going to be an issue. I wouldn't waste a single second going, "Oh man, am I less competitive than the guy sitting next to me because I don't have this degree." It doesn't really matter unless you're getting turned down for everything and they're saying, "Look, you don't have a degree, and that's the biggest problem." I think you're going to be fine and best of luck out there, man. Work experience beats academic qualification any day for pretty much every industry, especially sales unless they tell you otherwise. And most of the time they'll tell you otherwise before you come in the door. They don't want somebody sitting there wasting HR time, wasting the boss and management time, and then it's like, "Oh, you don't have a degree. Well, this meeting is over. Bye." They don't want to waste their time. They would tell you initially, "Sorry, we're not hiring, or you don't meet the basic qualifications, or we're looking for people with a degree." If you're in the door, you're in the door, forget everything else and just crush the interview and show them what you can do.

[00:40:50] A lot of times they'll hire the best person for the job and then they'll go, "Hey look, look, you can't move up in two years cause you don't have a degree. We're going to send you to such and such local university. We're going to put you on the two-year advanced executive whatchamacallit MBA program, and you're going to have to go three days a week and do that just to get the letters and then we can promote you." They're going to figure out a way to handle it. That is what they want to do as a company. They're not in the business of trying to stifle your growth because you didn't go to college 20 years ago or 10 years ago. That's not what's good for them, and it's not what's good for you. And your incentives are aligned here. So I wouldn't waste a single minute worrying about this at all.

[00:41:28] Pro Tips of the Week, we have to because some people don't have kids. So the first one, if you have kids. Instead of always telling your child what to do, give them two options with the same outcome to prevent the headache of having them refuse the task. It works better on younger children. Let me be clear. For example, instead of telling them to put on their pajamas for bed, ask them which pajamas they want to wear to bed tonight. This works better because kids love having control over what they are doing. So you can give them a choice, but the choice that's being made for them, the assumptive close is that they're going to wear pajamas to bed. Is it going to be trucks or Star Wars? They get to choose, so they feel like they have agency. They're not just going to start kicking and screaming and not wanting to go to bed at all, some of the time. Again, with kids, some of this stuff works. Some of the time, then that's kind of the best we can do, especially with little kids.

[00:42:16] If you don't have kids, our tip for you is to be an airport hero. Bring a power strip with you to use at airports. It doesn't have to have a six-foot extension cord. There are small ones that have maybe three or four outlets. They're really tiny. Bring that with you to use at airports. You'll never have to wait for an outlet to be available again. You can literally walk up to somebody who just plugged in, ask if you can unplug their stupid iPhone, which has probably been charged for the last five hours, and then plug your power strip in, plug their phone in, plug your computer and phone in, and you're good to go. That's been extremely helpful for me at busy airports because no one's going to say no to you unplugging them just to plug them right back in and then you can set up shop. You don't have to wait for somebody who's been sitting there for eight hours or you know, works there and is on break or something like that and your phone and computer are dead, you can get right to work.

[00:43:04] Recommendation of the week, The Weekly from the New York Times on Hulu, each half-hour episode features a Times journalist investigating something pretty interesting. I knew about this, but I didn't watch it cause I thought it would be stupid political stuff I just can't stand. And some of it is, but most of it is not. There's one about when Mexican forces came to arrest the son of El Chapo. Do you remember this, Jason, where they went to go arrest El Chapo's kid? There was this street war on the streets of Culiacan and the military lost the battle to the cartel.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:36] Yeah, this was pretty big in the news. It's amazing.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:43:40] Yeah. The cartel rolled in. What happened was -- and The Weekly goes through the whole thing how the Sinaloa drug cartel took on the whole freaking Mexican army and won -- They use all this video, eyewitness accounts. What happened was they arrested El Chapo's kid and he told them to back off -- the cartel -- but they weren't listening because probably, they knew that he was going to have to do that and the cartel surrounded the whole city rolled in with like armored vehicles, mounted machine guns, everything. They had hundreds of people. They set up roadblocks and strategic checkpoints. They hijacked cars. They made bridges in passable. It was insane. And then the coup de gras was, they rolled the cartel trucks into a military base and occupied a military base that had housing for families of soldiers, and they said, "We're going to burn down the entire housing complex unless you let them go." And the army was like, "We're out. Those are our kids and wives were done." So they quit. And the unfortunate result is now cartels know all they have to do is just threaten to kill a bunch of innocent civilians and light helms on fire and all the resources are diverted to that and they get whatever they want. So Mexico is totally screwed basically.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:44:47] Sounds like it, sounds like it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:49] Yeah. I feel bad for people living there right now and I think for people who are going, "Ah, Mexico, what a dirt hole, it sucks to be them. I'm glad I live in America." You better believe that this stuff is going to spill over here. Like, look, I don't think the Sinaloa cartel is going to take on the US Army and win. You better believe that places across the river, like El Paso and stuff like that, are going to get a nice whiff of some cartel violence if they haven't already.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:14] And speaking of cartel violence, Narcos: Mexico Season Two starts February 13th. I know you're a fan.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:20] I am a fan.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:21] Can't wait for that one. I'm a fan of fictional cartel violence.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:25] Well, the best guy in his fictional.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:27] Yes. So Narcos, The Weekly on Hulu. The Weekly is already out. Narcos is coming soon. Hope you all enjoy that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com.

[00:45:39] Quick. Shout out to Gareth Emery. He's a DJ. I don't know if anyone's heard of this guy. Pretty damn famous. Anyway, I was stoked to hear from him. He loves the show. He wants to hang out in LA. I love your music, dude. I'm a big fan of EDM. I was beyond stoked to hear from you and I'm looking forward to doing more.

[00:45:56] Go back and check out the guests, Susan David and John Tierney, if you haven't yet. If you want to know how I managed to have a network that includes Susan David, John Tierney, Gareth Emery, and other amazing folks -- it's not just for the business, it's for my personal life as well -- I use systems. I use tiny habits. Check out our free course, Six-Minute Networking. It's over at jordanharbinger.com/course. And look, don't do it later. Do it now. Dig the well before you get thirsty. Once you need relationships, it's going to be hella hard to make them when you need them. The drills take a few minutes per day. Ignore it at your own peril. Free at jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews are at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:46:42] You can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks. We discuss what went wrong on the Internet and who's to blame along with cybersecurity apps, gadgets, books, and more. That is Grumpy Old Geeks where ever your favorite podcasts are sold.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:54] This show is created in association with PodcastOne. This episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jase Sanderson, show notes for the episode by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions, and those of our guests are their own. And yes, I'm a lawyer, but not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those you love, and even those you don't. If you found this episode useful, please share it with someone else who can use the advice that we gave here today. We've got lots more in store for 2020. I'm very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:38] If you love true-crime podcasts, PodcastOne is the perfect destination. We've got two awesome true-crime podcasts trending right now, and you have to check them out. First up, based on the iconic series A&E, Cold Case Files explores some of the most difficult-to-solve murders, which stymied investigators and went cold, sometimes for decades. Next up, Autopsy is the latest podcast from Reelz and PodcastOne. Every episode takes you in-depth with celebrity deaths and their true cause. Check out both Cold Case Files and Autopsy. They're going to be your next favorite true crime podcasts. Be sure to subscribe on Apple Podcasts, PodcastOne, and many of your favorite podcast listening apps.