294: Should I Expose a Sexually Abusive Nephew? | Feedback Friday

Transcript for Should I Expose A Sexually Abusive Nephew? | Feedback Friday (Episode 294)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:03] Welcome to Feedback Friday, I'm your host Jordan Harbinger, and I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.

[00:00:20] This week we had Zakary Dychtwald talking about Young China, how the new generation of Chinese people -- not businesses, not the communist party, et cetera -- is going to reshape the world and a lot of good news coming from that. So that's actually kind of a nice take on China instead of the usual, oh my gosh, we're all being oppressed by the communist machinery. I really enjoyed that conversation. That's available this week.

[00:00:42] I also write every so often on the blog. The latest post is about How to Ask for Advice. A lot of people have been sending advice requests and saying, "How do I get advice? How do I get mentorship and all that?" And there's a lot wrong with it, so we wrote a giant post on how to do it right. That's at jordanharbinger.com/articles. So make sure you've had a look and a listen to all of what we've created for you this week.

[00:01:06] Of course, our primary mission here on The Jordan Harbinger Show is to pass along our guests' and our own experiences and insights along to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you. That's what we're going to do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. I just want to place one brick in the structure that makes up your life. That's what this podcast is really all about. You can reach us at friday@jordanharbinger.com.

[00:01:31] As all of you probably know by now, we're going to prison on February 26, 2020. That's my birthday, my 40th birthday. We're going to a maximum security facility. We're going to be working with the inmates and an educational program. I would love for you to join me. It's going to be about 895, so 900 plus travel and hotel. The hotel is literally 50 bucks a night, so come join us. We're going to be outside of Reno, Nevada. And it's a blast. It's going to be awesome. I'm bringing some amazing folks, including dozens and dozens and dozens of you. There are still spots open and it's just going to be a life-changing experience. I've done it before. It's a lot of fun. If you want to join us, email me at prison@jordanharbinger.com. We'll get you on the interest list, get your details, and get you signed up. Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:15] Dear Jordan and team. Greetings from the rainy Mendocino forest. I have a nephew who has a history of undressing, touching genitals in dry humping, smaller, weaker humans than himself. These humans either do not consent or are unable to consent. It's well known in my family that he can't be left alone with children. There have been numerous incidents with different witnesses and victims spread out over the years. We're not close. He still lives with my brother and his wife. Today, this nephew is 20 years old and expecting a baby with his live-in girlfriend. I was horrified and began asking if this girlfriend knew about his history. No one seems to know if she's aware, but are strongly agreed that it's not any of our places to tell her. I figured that if I don't tell her, no one will. If I do tell her what's the best way to deliver the news, they're going to want to shoot the messenger. Sincerely, Mendocino Mother of Two.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:11] Okay. This is an icky one and I'm really sorry to hear that you are in this situation. This is really, really disgusting and horrible, and nobody is going to be, there's kind of no good happening as a result of this, no matter what happens. From the sound of it, it sounds like he was maybe sexually assaulted as a child, and it sounds like your family is the kind of family that buries their heads in the sand. "Oh, it's not our place to tell her." Are you kidding me? Of course, it is. Don't leave this guy alone with children. Oh, he's having his own child. "Cool. Let's just not do anything about that. Let's just not tell anyone about that." I mean, that to me is just madness. Wow. Undressing and running around naked as a kid. Fine. Wrestling around and grabbing people's wangs as a kid. Normal for the most part. Stripping other people down who are younger than you and pretending or not pretending to rape them and groping them without consent. That is not normal. When done repeatedly, that is sexual assaults. When done anytime it's sexual assault when done repeatedly, it's a pattern of sexual assault.

[00:04:07] Now I hear the guy's 20 years old. He's got a major, major problem here. This is a criminal sexual assault, and it's a huge issue with somebody having a kid. This is not like a young preteen who is going through some impulse issues or something like that that also is bad and needs to get under control. This is actual criminal behavior. I'm going to set aside that he's 20 and having a baby with a girlfriend while still living with his parents, which to me as a parent sounds like a terrible freaking idea in the first place. And I don't want to be judgy here, Mendocino Mother of Two, but that does not sound like a group of winners. I don't want to be a jerk here, but it sounds like a whole mess up people with bad judgment that is just increasingly showing their bad judgment with not saying anything about this awful situation. Again, that's a different issue, you're not asking my opinion on that.

[00:04:51]Here's the thing, Ms. Mendo, some secrets are just too dangerous to be kept and this is one of them. I personally find it appalling that the entire family knows about this and hasn't done anything about it. This is a classic family skeleton. That to me indicates that your nephew has also been sexually abused in the past. Most likely. I mean, this is traumatic behavior that seems to be repeating. When kids act like this, that's often them reenacting something that's traumatic that happened to them as a child. Not always, but often enough. And it seems like maybe you know this because you kind of hinted at this at the end of the letter. Again, this is tough. The family's going to be mad at you if you do anything. They are. Just expect it and in a way, it's quote-unquote none of your business, but I disagree with that. Here's the thing --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:05:36] 100 percent. Totally, 100 percent disagree with that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:05:40] Sure. It's actually the family's business and they should have handled it, but they haven't. So now it's everyone's business because I don't give a crap if it's none of my business. If I saw a child being abused by parents in a public place, I would say something, even if it would cause a scene, because my duty as a human being is to this defenseless child, not into keeping the peace and making sure everybody has a nice Christmas and doesn't say anything. I think a lot of families don't realize this when everyone's keeping the peace, the person who suffers the most is the victim there quietly suffering because everyone else is acting like it's normal. It might seem like, Oh, everyone's just getting along and we're not saying anything. That person is dying inside and resenting everyone else because they're not being protected. Would your family protect that baby, that child if someone came up at the mall and was slapping him, spitting on him, pinching him, of course, you would do something about that. But if he's being sexually assaulted by his father, "Oh, don't say anything. It's going to be weird." I mean, we don't know that this is going to happen to his own kid, but what are the odds.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:40] It kind of do.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:41] He's got a pattern and I'll get to it. Look, if everyone's mad at you, I get it. They're wrong. They're wrong to be mad. They're just being weak in my opinion. And I think they're being crappy for not taking a stand when they know something is wrong and they're just looking the other way. Your duty is to the child's safety and to their integrity and personal safety as a human being, a little human being, they can't defend themselves. Your responsibility is not to everyone else's feelings or wanting to keep the peace in the family. The girlfriend if you tell her, she will likely say something to him, to the rest of the family, but she's going to get talked out of believing you because just put yourself in her shoes. You live with this guy, you live with his parents, you're pregnant with his baby. You're probably 20, 19, 21 years old, whatever. Who are you going to believe? That said she needs to know because she needs to have that info to protect her child born or unborn, and she might be strong enough to make a different decision, but at the very least that bug needs to be in her ear. Even if she does nothing with the info, she needs to be like, "Ooh, I better watch my husband for this because if I see that it's going to be different." That will make it that much harder for her to put her head in the sand. The problem is, you know, he might end up abusing that child before anything happens, and that's horrifying.

[00:07:53] If nobody says anything and he abuses that child, then every single person in your family shares blame for not warning the mother, in my opinion, yourself included. I'm sorry, but it's true. If you say something and nothing ever happens, yeah, he's annoyed at you. He hates Mendocino, whatever, but you've aired on the side of protecting an innocent child. And I want to note here that not all of those who are abused go on to abuse others. Just to be clear, but that said, what we do know is that he has already abused others, can't be left alone with children, and that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. So we don't know if he was abused, just that he abuses others. We're not guessing that it's going to happen. He already abuses others. It's like if somebody's fighting at work, they're fighting at bars, they're fighting on the subway, they fight in the street. What do you think they do when they go home to their wife and family? You think they're a nice, charming guy who can control their anger? No. This is what domestic violence happens.

[00:08:47] Honestly, he needs to address these issues with a therapist if he's going to be a parent. In fact, he needs to address these issues regardless of what he ends up doing. If he was abused and the rest of the family put their heads in the sand about this, just like they're doing now, then there's a good chance that he's never dealt with any trauma that he suffered. I bet you if you dug deep enough, you'd find that everybody knew about him getting abused by someone else, an uncle or his father or something like that. I'm sorry. I know that you're related to them. I know that's your brother. Something happened to him and maybe they know and they just went we don't want to make a scene about it because it was grandpa or something like that. Again, I'm sorry, I know this is your family and I'm not saying that your warnings going to do anything, but if I were in your shoes, I would not be able to sleep at night if I didn't say something. I'd start by bringing it up to your brother and see if you can rally the family around you. I'm thinking fat chance, but give it a shot.

[00:09:37] if you can't, you may need to do this on your own, and yes, you will pay for this. Will your extended family hate you for it may be, but sometimes doing the right thing means pissing off people who are afraid to do the right thing for themselves. Jason, what's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:53] Hey, Jordan and team. I'm in a bit of a pickle. I'm 27 and I've been with the same company for a little over two years and recently received a promotion. I'm now managing a team for the first time and it's been rewarding so far. I was super excited about the raise that came with the new position. My new boss originally told me what my new salary and bump and bonus structure would be with which I replied, "Is there room for negotiation?" The chain of command approved my additional ask and all was well for a while. Our company recently started using a different HR platform, and now that I'm the manager of a team, I'm able to see my direct reports compensation. Normally, this wouldn't bother me. I'm comfortable with my compensation and I make what I consider to be a great living at my age. I also work remotely, so the state that my family and I live in is very affordable. My salary and bonus structure with this company wouldn't come regularly with other companies in my area. The struggle came when I saw that my base salary is the same as a new team member who was hired at the junior level several months ago. Again, no biggie. However, this guy was recently put on a performance plan and has been dropping the ball several times. I have a great reputation with the company, have won awards for our equivalent of the employee of the month and haven't missed any deadlines or dropped the ball since I've been here. I log on most days at 7:30 a.m. and work till 4:30 or five I brought my concerns to my manager and told him it wasn't fair for me to request a raise at this point because I fairly negotiated my salary upon the promotion. However, it was clear that I felt like I was being asked to carry much more weight and responsibility than other team members and that it was bothering me. Did I mess up here? I'm confident I could express these concerns to some of my boss's bosses and they'd support me. However, my new boss is new to the company and he has a much different management style than the other leaders. I definitely feel like he could use this against me rather than feeling like I was just being upfront with them. I get approached by recruiters in my industry all the time, and even from some local contacts and companies. Would another offer be ideal or applicable to this scenario? Thanks for any advice. Best, Too Big of a Burden.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:11:54] This is a tough situation for sure. The truth is that comparing yourself to another employee is actually never a good idea. Different employees come in at different times with different budget cycles. Company cash positions might be different. Relative demand and supply curves in the labor market are going to be different. There's differing intrinsic competition for that specific hire and the list goes on and on and on. Plus hearing what someone else in close proximity makes can be really hurtful, regardless of the magnitude or direction of the Delta. So if you hear somebody makes a lot less, that's not good for you, if you hear they make a lot more as here, that's not good for you. If you hear they make the same, which is what we're dealing with in this question, that's not good either. So it's just no good. If you do negotiate, don't bring up the other person's salary as a justification for an adjustment unless absolutely necessary. It just makes it personal for too many people It's going to end up being a problem because it's also not a strong argument. This other person makes more and I should make more based on what I've been here longer. No, well, I'm higher on the food chain. So what? You know, it's just not a strong argument. You don't want to really go there.

[00:13:03] The issue is that you're both right. You and your boss are both right because a few things are true. One, you negotiated your salary and had the opportunity to get something higher. If you were fully informed, but you weren't. Two, your salary is likely below market, which is why people junior to you are making the same amount of money. Which ends up being more in a relative sense because you're further up in the food chain, you should theoretically be making more. So my recommended course of action is the following -- one, start finding out what the market will pay you. Recruiters can do a lot of this work for you. Entertain their ideas, take their calls. You said they're already calling. You definitely. Play along with that, you know, go along with that. Two, if you would really leave for another company, do some interviews, and get a written offer in hand. Always get offers in writing, otherwise, they aren't worth squat. If you won't really leave, don't waste another company's time getting another offer. Just use the information from the recruiters to negotiate your salary again in a year and make sure that you're seeding the idea of an appropriate raise with your current manager starting immediately and going all the way through until your next evaluation. So you want to make sure that they know, "Hey, I'm going to be asking for this. I'm going to be asking for this. I'm going to be asking for this." Make sure that you're specific. Don't just say, "I'm going to ask for a raise next time." You want to be like, "Look, I know that I screwed up this. I should be moved to XYZ when I do my next evaluation." If you don't seed this in advance, what happens is you'll go in for your evaluation. They'll say, "Well, first we've heard of it." They'll make excuses. They'll stall. This happens all the time. "Oh, we got to run it up the flagpole." "Oh, it's going to take a couple of months, but I'm on it." If you seed it and you go in there and you say, "Is this ready? I told you I'd be asking for this," and they go, "Well, we can't really do that." You can negotiate and get to where you need to be, and if not, you can say, "Okay, well, in that case, I guess I'm going to have to figure out what else is on the table because the market seems to support this," and hopefully you have other options because you've networked with these recruiters. You've gone and done informational interviews with these other companies, and you can go and get another offer and you can leave if they're not going to be fair to you.

[00:15:07] If you do get another offer in writing from another company, let your boss know you'll be leaving for another company soon and then take that offer and go. Not, "Hey, I'm going to leave. You don't match it." Look, they might try to retain you, but unless they knock it out of the park with your new salary and bonus. Like, "Look, I know that you got an offer for X from our competitor. I'm going to give you X plus, and your bonus is going to be X bonus plus because we really do appreciate you. We want to get you back up to market and we want to have you stay here because we don't want to have to replace you." That's good, but if they're just like, "Oh, we'll match it." If you stay just because they match, your manager's going to become a huge pain. He's going to resist cooperating in the future potentially. And look it could happen anyway, but you don't want them to just match what you got offered from someplace else just to keep you. They'll be doing it begrudgingly. What you want is for them to actually want to pay you what you are worth. In cases like this, it's usually better to go elsewhere and then negotiate properly for your salary from the get-go. Starting fresh and starting properly is always easier than fixing the earlier problem or the earlier deficiency. That's really important. Starting fresh, negotiating properly, it's always easier than fixing an earlier problem or deficiency. So if you start off and you get $50,000 a year, which is what you're worth, and then you get a bonus of five grand. That's going to be easier than, "All right, I'm at 39 now, but I really should be making 50 let me go in and ask for an $11,000 raise." They're going to be like, "Whoa, that's an X percent. That's too much. You're going to get 41 and then you're negotiating for the next five years to get where you should be now." No, just hit the reset button and go somewhere else.

[00:16:49] This is a hard thing to do, but it's a very good lesson in why you should always, always find what the market will bear before you accept an offer. Do your research, and always, always, always negotiate your salary every single time. Negotiate early, negotiate often. And we're going to be doing a negotiation course here in 2020 with some amazing experts. So keep an eye out for that. But in the meantime, feel free to send us your negotiation questions because we are on it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:17] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:21] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:23] People always ask us how many business cards they should get printed before their next big networking event. And we tell them the same thing every time, business cards may have been a state-of-the-art way to connect in 1957 but you know, what's truly timeless here in 2019, having your own website. I'm not talking about Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Myspace, or whatever social media accounts you've collected over the years. I'm talking about a website you can call your very own and share with the people in your network. You may cringe at the idea because it sounds like something that's A, expensive, B, complicated, and C, a lot of work to maintain but our friends at HostGator know a thing or two about making the process simple from start to finish because they've been helping people just like you since 2002. HostGator's 99.9 percent uptime guarantee and around-the-clock support ensure your website is available to the eyes of the world every day and night of the year. Got a tight budget. No worries. As long as you're a new user you get to try any HostGator package for up to 62 percent off the normal price, just for hearing the sound of my voice. And if you're not completely satisfied with everything HostGator has to offer, you've got 45 days to cancel for a refund of every last penny. Check out hostgator.com/jordan right now to sign up. That's hostgator.com/jordan.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:35] this episode is also sponsored by Better Help. Better help online counseling. I love this sponsor, not just because they sponsor the show. I think it's a brilliant idea. You know, I've been doing therapy for a while and I used to have to, when I lived in LA, especially a drive across town, find parking on this annoying street. The lot was always full. It's just a huge pain. Better Help, it's online counseling. They offer professional online counselors who are specialized in issues. That's actually, that turns out to be quite important depending on what you're dealing with -- depression, stress, anxiety, relationships, sleeping, trauma, anger, family conflicts, LGBT stuff, grief, self-esteem, and more. It's a long list, but when you're dealing with something, you want somebody who knows what you're freaking talking about. Connect with your professional counselor in a safe and private online environment. We're talking like you're not just shooting off emails with your stuff. You're doing video chat, you're doing texting, everything's confidential. It's very convenient, and I just want to underline that because a lot of people don't get therapy because it's annoyingly inconvenient. It's also going to be affordable. You got a deal for you in a second here, but I really like this sponsor. The counselor if you don't like it, you can request a new one. There's no charge for that. I just think it's a great company. I think they're doing something super important, and I think you guys should get on board. If you've been thinking about therapy, dip your toes in the water with Better Help. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:52] It's a truly affordable option for therapy, and our listeners get 10 percent off your first month with a discount code, JORDAN, so why not get started today? Go to betterhealth.com/jordan and simply fill out a questionnaire to help them assess your needs and get matched with a counselor you'll love. That's betterhelp.com/jordan for 10 percent off your first month.

[00:20:12] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, please visit jordanharbinger.com/deals and if you'd be so kind, please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice. It really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now, let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:39] All right, Jason, what else we got?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:40] Hey, Jordan and team. Do you think your podcast is banned in China because of your show with Robert Spalding? And worse, do you worry that China has targeted any extended family Jen has their, because of their connection to you? I'm not saying you shouldn't have aired the interview or advertise Spalding's book quite the opposite. But I wonder if you have any misgivings or information about potential ramifications. Thanks. We should all know about this stuff and thanks so much for your work. Signed, Chinese Curious.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:09] Interesting question. Not a typical Feedback Friday question, but I decided to address it because a lot of people have been writing it and saying, "Hey, you know, you're banned in China." "Hey, guys are banned in China." "Hey, why are you guys banned in China?"

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:19] Haven't we always been banned in China?

Jordan Harbinger: [00:21:20] We've been banned in China for years now, actually. Yes, years and the reason we are banned in China is kind of a mystery, but I have a feeling that it's because we do talk about China occasionally, but we got banned well before I started even taking any issue with China at all as a nation. And what's weird is I'm not bashing China. I'm merely interviewing experts, but that's what they do, is they'll ban anything that looks like anti-Chinese journalism. It's automated. I'm sure. You do need a VPN, virtual private network in China to access the show. A lot of our Chinese fans, they use a VPN, and the other Chinese fans I think are outside China. They're listening that way and they're just using the Chinese music store. I think it's in part. Because of things like the Spalding episode, but man, we were banned for a long time. All the shows I've done as a host, every podcast I've ever done, I think has been banned in China. Even when I was working in business shows and just hosting random stuff for like Forbes, that stuff got banned in China. And I think in part it's because I do let people speak about these sorts of topics. Fortunately, many Chinese fans or people living in China that aren't Chinese, they still access the show. Jen doesn't have any family left in China. They all fled ahead of the communists because they were well-to-do. So judges, government officials, intellectuals, these are people that would have been targeted and maybe even died in reeducation camps. So, I'm actually doubling down on letting people tell the truth about the US and China and anywhere else because the truth is more important than political affiliation when it comes to world events and in making educated decisions in a democracy like the one we live in.

[00:22:57] I'm a fan of China. Generally speaking, I'm a fan of the Chinese people for sure. I think there are some of the best people that the world has to offer. I think there's a lot of problems with the current regime and personal freedoms and things like that, but I love China. I love the Chinese people. I'm learning the Chinese language, as you all know. I think there's so much potential there and we've seen just a sliver of what China can do on the world stage so far. I'm just not a fan of censorship, especially when the censorship is, because the ideas might hurt a specific political party like the Chinese communist party. Which is controlled by a smaller group of elites, just like every political party is. I don't worry about this. I'm not anti-China far from it. I'm anti-censorship, I'm anti-oppression. I'm anti-tyranny. And so are many Chinese people living in China and outside of it. So I sleep pretty well at night over here knowing that I think we're on the right side of history with this one. And according to Zak Dychtwald, our guest from this week, China is ready to move on up and the young people I think are just as sick as the baloney that their government is putting on them as we all are. I think there's going to be some amazing cooperation between China and the rest of the world in the near future. Hopefully the near future, but certainly in the future and while we're still alive. I think it's an exciting time and it's a bummer that we're banned in China, but the beauty of being banned in China is people in China all know this score with the Internet, and they all use VPN. So it's really not that big of a deal right now. All right. Next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:23] Jordan and Jason, my uncle/godfather, recently passed and I was named the sole beneficiary. He lived a pretty simple life. He was never married and had no kids, but he did leave a small house on 25 acres on a river along with a modest bank account. He initially had my father named as the primary beneficiary. With me as the second, but after my father passed, he changed his will naming me as the primary and my only brother as the secondary. My uncle had been in and out of the hospital the past few years, and during one of my visits with him, he shared I was the beneficiary and told me that it was his wish to keep this coveted piece of property in the family for all to use. He also shared that the reason he didn't name his only remaining sibling the beneficiary was because he was worried that he would immediately turn around and sell the house and quickly spend and lose everything. My uncle and his remaining sibling have a long history of bad decisions. On the day of the funeral, I started to get pressure from my mother and brother to go through the legal process to split everything 50-50 between myself and my brother. Their argument is that they each had conversations with my uncle in the past and they were told that when he passes, he's leaving his place to the boys, meaning my brother and me, my wife, and my initial stance was that no big decision will be made while the estate is in probate. During that four-month period, my wife and I turned this situation inside out, asked for advice for many people and tried to make sure to be as thoughtful as possible. As time went on, my mother and brother became increasingly aggravated because I wouldn't agree one way or the other to put half in his name. A few weeks before probate was over, my brother blew up and sent me a nasty text, calling me greedy and ending by saying that he's out and not talking to me anymore. The decision was made and an email was sent out saying, we feel it's in the best interest to keep everything in one name. The way my uncle drew up the will, there are many legal tax and other financial reasons to make that choice. I believe he was a smart and very thoughtful person, and this was a decision that wasn't taken lightly. He left us this special and unique place as his legacy for everyone to remember him by. I think he wanted this property to be used and enjoyed by his family and friends. I feel I was tasked with the role of steward to honor this wish, and we'll do my best to fulfill that role. No one is going to live there full time. It will be there for everyone to use and the money in his estate account will be used for future bills and upkeep since his passing all funeral legal bills, upkeep, yard work, have all been on my shoulders without any offers for help or any thank you's. It's an hour drive from where I live and all these responsibilities have been the equivalent of a full-time job. I've tried to be as fair and level headed as possible, but it makes me sad that the situation went off the rails before probate was even over. Any thoughts and advice is appreciated. Signed, Beneficiary Without Benefits.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:17] Man, I am so sorry to hear this. It's interesting how when someone passes, they often think they're doing everyone a big favor by leaving money to the family but they're really dumping a massive burden on folks a lot of the time, especially if they don't involve the whole family in the decision. Because they'll write a will and they're like, "Hey Karen, I'm giving you all the money and I'm putting it in trust for you and Tom because Tom is an idiot. Bye." And then like Karen's got to explain why she's the one in the wheel controlling the money and that dad really wanted that and everyone's like, "No, you're just being a bitch, Karen." It's not good. So normally these types of decisions, they're just not so cut and dry, but in this case, I feel pretty safe saying that your family is being unfair about this. First of all, if the property is for everyone, then who cares who owns it? It's completely irrelevant who owns it. If it's not going to be sold and it's quote-unquote for everyone, for the boys or whatever. What does your brother even want to do with the property if he can't sell it, especially if he can use it right now? Who cares who owns it if he's allowed to use it now and he's not going to sell it? What's the deal? And what does your mom want you to do that can't be done with the property right now? "Oh, it's for the boys." "Okay, great. Come over and use it whenever you want. In fact, mom, you can come over too." "No, no. We want to put it in your brother's name also." Why? Just why? Honestly, as much as it was your godfather or uncle's wish to split the property and have everyone enjoy it. That's just not what's happening here.

[00:28:43] I would consider a few things. One, put the property in a trust and have the money take care of the upkeep. In fact, he probably should have done this with his will, but he trusted you more than the legal system. You are under zero obligation to drive an hour, mow the lawn, pay the bills, clean the place up, make sure the mail's taken, and you can hire people to take care of that if there's enough money in the trust. I would actually have all of the mail forwarded to your homes so that at least that's not piling up and I would hire a landscape company to just mow the lawn. That's it. Have everything sent to you. Number two, realize that if you had to handle the funeral and the estate with no help, that not only are you not being greedy but it's abundantly clear that it's actually the family that's being really self-centered and greedy. They're disregarding your uncle's wishes in order to get something for themselves, and they weren't willing to help while he was passing away, and they're not willing to lift a finger to do anything to manage the property. That is kind of the definition of them being greedy. Of course, it's always people who are greedy that label others as greedy. You ever noticed that, Jason? It's always people who want something for themselves. Like you're being greedy by not giving me a bunch of money I didn't earn so that I can spend it in a way that the person who'd actually did earn it didn't want me to do.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:29:59] Oh, absolutely.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:00] But you're a greedy now because of that.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:02] Yup. That's the way they roll, man. You got to watch out for that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:04] Exactly. Yeah. They knew that that would trigger an emotional thing in you because you're not greedy. So they think, "Oh, calling him greedy. We'll get them to do what he needs to do." And your brother being like, "I'm never talking to you again." Like how nice is this lake house, dude? Seriously, if I were in his shoes, I would let it go, but he can't because he's actually greedy. In light of this, realize that you're in a thankless position. Will you use the property? If so, great. Go ahead, use it, but you're probably not going to enjoy it knowing what the cost is. If not, consider selling the property or part of the property and then put the money in a trust to take care of the part you haven't sold. In other words, you could split the lot. You could sell the house that's on the lot. It's an hour away, split the lot and keep a boat dock and a fricking fishing platform or something in the lake off of the piece of the lot that you have alternately sell the property. Start a charitable foundation for something worthwhile or simply donate the funds. Last, if you think it's fair, sell the property and give half the money to your brother. It's not going to make anyone happy. It's still going to be pissed off that he didn't get to control the house and keep it in whatever. It probably won't even make anyone happy, but then at least it's out of your hands.

[00:31:08] Wash your hands of this whole thing. My mom had to do that. I think I talked about this last week or the week before. She had a bunch of stuff she inherited and everybody was so busy fighting over it. She's like, "Fine, I'm selling it and I'm giving you the money," and everyone was still pissed. And she was just like, "You already have the money. Go fly kite. I'm out. I'm done." And they were like, "Why'd you sell it? It's such a waste. Could have got more for it." Go F yourself, everyone.

[00:31:29] You might even want to rent out the property to somebody long term with maybe a handshake, understanding that you might come up there and fish or have your kids swim in the lake or something along those lines. That way there's somebody there to take care of the property and actually cares about it. They'll cover the expenses because they're renting it out, but you still get the benefit of being able to use the lake should you actually care to do so. Then you still own the property. The key here, look, nobody has a right to bully you into doing something with the property. This is not their choice. And all of the guilt and all the sulking in the world isn't going to change that. By the way, this wasn't your choice. That's the key here is you're not being greedy. This was not your choice. This was what was in the will. You're respecting a dead man's wishes. If you wanted everyone to have it, he would have written that down. Not just mentioned it offhand to your mom, who by the way sounds a little manipulative in this case. He probably said it's for the boys because he didn't want to start a freaking fight on his deathbed with your mom. I actually find it disgusting that your brother is having a tantrum over this and that your parents are enabling this sort of crap.

[00:32:31] Honestly, it sounds like there's a bigger issue between your brother and the family, and that might be the real issue here. This is pure speculation. But if I had to guess, I would say your brother does this a lot, where when he doesn't get his way, he sulks and your mom enables it because I would never act this way if I were him in his shoes and my mom would not do that. It sounds like there's maybe a history of your brother whining when he doesn't get his way when he doesn't get what he thinks he's entitled to, and then your mom backing him up for whatever reason. That's the real issue. Forget the house. Why does your brother think it's okay to cut you off because he wasn't chosen by your dead uncle to manage the property after he died. And why does your mother think it's okay to enable his man-child attitude? That's the real question we should be asking here.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:17] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:20] This episode is sponsored in part by Eight Sleep. This is a life-changing mattress. No one believes me when I say that, except you should because Jason can vouch for it. Jason, The Pod by Eight Sleep. First of all, we waited months for this with bated breath just thinking we're going to get disappointed by it. And then when it came, it was even better than I imagined, right?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:39] Oh, so much better than I could ever have imagined. And now that it's getting really cold down here in Southern California, I just said it for nice and toasty when I get in and I fall right asleep. I completely fall right asleep. It is so nice. And then the chills down in the middle of the night to keep you down in your REM and your deep sleep. And then in the morning it just heats you back up, so you're ready to greet the day. I just can't explain how amazing my sleep has been since I got this thing.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:34:05] Yeah. And if you're confused because you don't know what we're talking about. It's a mattress that heats and cools and I'm not talking about some weird electric coils that go underneath it. There's actually water that goes through and each side of the bed can be customized. So Jen's side is, you know, ridiculously way too warm cause she's got a baby there. And my side is nice and cool because I don't want to be sweating all night long. Then it changes to nice and toasty automatically using the app, learns what I wanted and it turns out I want it nice and warm in the morning and no surprise there. You can do the same thing and it's not noisy. A lot of people have been writing in and being like, "Oh, but does it have like a noisy compressor?" This thing kind of sounds like. Light vibration, white noise. I mean, I don't even notice it. Sometimes when it's really quiet, I'll hear it kick on if it's changing from hot to cold and I'm right next to it, so it's not going to be noisy. It's not going to throw off a bunch of, you know, EMF and stuff like that, and you refill it with water, I don't know, once a quarter, and it tells you when to do it. It's just a. beautiful piece of technology and right now you can get 150 bucks off The Pod and free shipping when you go to eightsleep.com/jordan. That's E-I-G-H-T sleep.com/jordan for 150 bucks off and free shipping. You will love this mattress, I promise.

[00:35:20] This episode is sponsored in part by Heineken 0.0. Heineken 0.0 is an alcohol-free drink you can enjoy any time anywhere. Unlike many non-alcoholic beers, Heineken 0.0 is completely alcohol-free, not even a little bit 0.0 percent while it still tastes like the Heineken that you're actually used to at 69 calories per can, it's a good choice for anyone who wants to skip the alcohol but still enjoy a beer. January is a popular time for people to start thinking about their resolutions as well. I'm sure that's no surprise to anyone, and for many of this means no alcohol, no booze for a month. Heineken can help with the limited edition 31 pack of completely alcohol-free Heineken 0.0. They pack these into these little advent calendars, style boxes, which is kind of a fun marketing gig. If you open each little window in the box, there's a beer in there, and I've been giving away these packs to friends and relatives the past few weeks here who are doing dry January. So if you're doing dry January or even if you're not, go check out some Heineken 0.0 and skip the booze.

[00:36:22] This episode is also sponsored by Manscaped. The best in men's below-the-belt grooming, and also the ones who are the least ashamed to talk about it as it would seem. Jingle balls to the walls, fellas, listen up. The untrimmed pubes are now a thing of the past. It's time to gear up. Get yourself the gift of shaving this holiday season, or give it to someone else, but just be prepared for some questions. The Manscaped Perfect Package 2.0, I'm not making this up here. Manscaped has redesigned the electric trimmer. The Lawn Mower 2.0 has proprietary advanced SkinSafe technology, so it's not going to nick or snag your nuts. It's also waterproof, so you can use it in the shower. Clog those drains guys get after it. You don't want to use the same trimmer on your face as you're using on your junk. It's nasty. It's just that there's something that doesn't sit right with that. And it also includes the Crop Preserver. It's an anti-chafing ball deodorant and moisturizer. You're putting deodorant on your armpits, you should put it where the sun don't shine as well. And the Perfect Package will also come with a pair of Manscaped boxer briefs that will keep your junk feeling fresh all day. And it says Manscaped on it. So if you're going to West Hollywood or something like that, you can hike him way up and advertise. So get 20 percent off and free shipping with the code JORDAN20 at manscape.com. Jason, tell him again where to get the deal.

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[00:38:00] Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:16] All right, last but not least.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:18] Hello everyone. Two months ago I earned and accepted a job transfer within my company. It wasn't a popular decision with my peers. I'm leaving a loan processing position for a facilities maintenance position. I chose this because I'm more natural at it and I really enjoy that type of work more than sitting at a desk all day, pushing paperwork. The department I was leaving is understaffed and overworked. I look up to and respect my manager. I told her I'm willing to be flexible with my transfer date to allow my replacement to be hired and start training. During the time I was waiting for a firm transfer date, the VP of the department I'm moving to was let go and my current VP temporarily took over the maintenance department. A week later, my VP called me in to speak with her and she informed me that my transfer had been postponed indefinitely. This hit me hard, but I'm trying to power through until I can get a transfer date. That meeting happened in mid-November and I still haven't heard any updates. I've invested 14 years of my life in this company and don't want to throw all of that away. What are the ways I can continue to advocate for my transfer date without seeming like I have a bad attitude? I have great benefits because of the years I've worked here, but is it time to cut those losses and move on to a new company? Thank you. Signed, Stuck in Loan Processing Limbo.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:39:34] Well, we don't have full information here as we seldom do, but it sounds like your previous vice president, your VP is either blocking your move because she doesn't want to lose you from her unit, her work unit, or blocking your move to spite you or blocking your move because it was not going to be a good move in the first place, and the other VP should never have made that decision at all. Is there anyone else that you can speak to about why you'd like to move. What I would do in your shoes is follow up every month or so, or even every two weeks, whatever you think is appropriate with the current VP. Do it in writing, by the way, and do it in person so that she can't just ignore your email, but also you want the emails so that there's a record of you asking so that if it ever gets to HR or it goes above her head, you have a record of asking and she's not like, "I didn't even know."

[00:40:19] Do it in writing. Do it in person. Always keep things cordial, of course, but make sure that you're keeping the plates spinning. In the meantime, look for another job in the niche that you actually want to work in, in your field I mean. Sure, you've got 14 years with this company, but it's not like when you leave, you got to start over when you make a move. In fact, much of the time when you change companies or positions. You're doing so because you're getting a raise because you're getting better benefits or a better working environment or work you want to do more than where you were last time. Use your existing position to see what the market has in terms of other opportunities. Use the offer that you did have, the one that they're now reneging on to find something similar or better at another company. One reason they may be keeping you from moving is because they figure, "Oh, we're never going to lose him. He's been here 14 years. He doesn't have any other job prospects." You don't know what they're thinking. Find some other opportunities and negotiate what you want. You always should negotiate this. Your company doesn't seem like they are interested in keeping you happy, but we don't know why. You need to find out why. Maybe it's time to find a company that is interested in keeping you happy. Worst case, you find out what other opportunities are out there, what the market will bear, and then your current company decides to retain you. Great. But at least you'll have the leverage to go out and get what you want or move on if you have to.

[00:41:37] I'm sorry to hear about this, but in the end, it may just be that your current VP is overwhelmed. She's managing two departments. She doesn't want more moving parts and somebody new to train in a new department. See how you can potentially help with the transition, both hers and yours, and this will show that you're not only interested in a new position, but you're also interested in being a value to your boss and to the company itself. If they don't want to make good employees happy after that. Then it's no longer a good place to work, but give them a chance to say their piece and buy some time if needed since other things are in flux. Just don't ignore the problem until you resent them and you can't stand clocking in every day. That would be a big loss for you and for them.

[00:42:18] Life Pro Tip. Hey, it's really cold out there in some places. Make sure that in your car in the trunk, you've got a hat, gloves, a shovel, a bag of cat litter, and a blanket or two. These items can literally save your life in the wintertime. If you get stuck, you need to be able to dig out. You need to be able to get out of ice. You need to be able to get out of the ditch. You need to be able to stay warm for a long time. And hat and gloves, of course, if you're digging, you're outside, you're digging out snow. Blankets for when you might need to stay in your car for an extended period of time waiting for someone to help tow you or get you out. And if you've got kids or guests in your car, you want them under a separate blanket instead of having a blanket draped over two seats where you can't stay warm. So keep that stuff in your trunk. Trust me. This can be something that can make or break a survival situation in the wintertime. I should have given this tip earlier, but better late than never.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:43:10] And definitely have extra like bars and food and things like that. A friend of mine was caught in a winter storm and unfortunately died, but he kept his family alive for seven days. His name was James Kim. He was on Tech TV and he burned the tires of the car to keep the family warm. He had everything. He did everything right except one thing, he left the scene. He went to go find help, and as they found him, unfortunately, dead in a river from hypothermia. His family was rescued, so he should've stayed put. So definitely stay with your family. If you know something goes wrong and you're trapped somewhere, everybody stayed together. Remember those tires will keep you warm for a very long time. You can pull them off and you can burn them and it's very easy to do, but have lots in lots of like protein bars or energy drinks or whatever you have that you can do to like, you know, sustain you for a week. He kept his family alive for a week by just having the essentials that Jordan just mentioned. It's really important, especially when you're stuck in one of those situations where you can get snowed in. Just pay very specific attention to it. And the cat litter. Yes. That's for getting your car out of a rut because most people don't. They're like, "Why didn't you say cat litter, Jordan?" And they're like, "Oh, you put the cat litter under the tires. It melts the snow and then you can get out of a ditch kind of thing." Pay attention to this if you are in an area where you can get snowed in or possibly run off the road in the snow because this will save your life.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:40] Yeah, I'm sure. What a terrible situation. How long was he trapped for?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:44:43] Seven days.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:45] Ugh, god, what a mess.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:44:46] Like, literally, he went off and he left the car. Everybody was fine. He went to go find help and they found him in a creek, you know, not too far away. And he just succumbed to hypothermia because he didn't stay with his family and his family was rescued. It sucked so bad, man. My roommate was the first cameraman at Tech TV. Joey Kevin lived up the block and we were all just like, you couldn't believe how much we were worried for him. Actually, they found the family because of the cell phone signals.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:45:14] Yeah. Makes sense. Recommendation of the Week. Jason, this one is all you, man.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:18] Oh, it's called Don't F**k With Cats: Hunting an Internet Killer. This is an amazing documentary on Netflix. It's only three episodes, Clocks in at about three and a half hours. But what it is, is this guy started posting videos of him literally killing cats online. It was horrific. And I'm going to tell you, when I watched this, I had my hand in front of my face for a good bit of the show because they do show part of it. They don't show any of the cats actually dying. But what it turned into was a hunt for somebody who is going to turn into a serial killer. And it is a fascinating story. You hear a lot about, you know how the Internet, vigilante mobs get things wrong. This is one where they got it absolutely right. They nailed this guy. They knew who he was, and police didn't listen to him, and if the police had listened to them, you know, maybe things would've been different. But you have to check this out. Don't F**k With Cats: Hunting an Internet Killer on Netflix. We'll list it in the show notes, but it is a terrifying and fascinating video to watch because there's a twist at the end that you're just going to go, what, what, what? Oh man, this guy's evil.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:31] What a gross situation that is. I mean, I can't believe YouTube. I mean, they obviously removed those videos, right, of him doing that?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:46:37] They were there for a long time and they were on other websites as well.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:46:40] Oh wow. What an obvious red flag that stuff is.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:46:43] Here's the one thing that I was screaming at the TV for. This guy is posting these videos. These guys are doing everything that they can. They're doing forensic analysis on everything in the room. They're looking at the plugs, like, are these North American plugs? Are these European plugs? Trying to figure out where this guy is, but you know what, it would have taken, it would have taken a phone call to YouTube and Google saying, "Hey, what's the IP address of where this video was posted from?" And you know, the Internet service providers should have been able to just hand that to them and say, "Hey, look, okay, this guy's in North America in this spot. And then we can go from there because he probably didn't use a VPN and even if he used a VPN, then they could have at least canceled that out." But there are a lot of things that people did wrong in here and a lot of things people did right. This is a story from 2012. This isn't a new story, but I mean, I've never heard of it, and I'm on the Internet every damn day, so I highly recommend checking it out because I was just like -- my jaw was on the floor for half this thing.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:42] Wow. Yeah. I definitely want to check that out. It's added to my list of disturbing stuff to watch this holiday season.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:47] That's how we do it, man. That's how we do it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:50] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. If you want to go to prison with us on February 26, 2020. It is outside Reno, Nevada. Send me an email at prison@jordanharbinger.com to get some details or get added to the list. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com as well.

[00:48:08] Congrats to Megan in the Air National Guard. She was the one who wrote in a long time ago about how she was too short to fly after she qualified as a pilot.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:15] Oh yeah, I remember that.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:16] Yeah, so she can fly again.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:19] No way.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:20] Yeah. She went and got waivers and all this stuff and it finally, finally, finally came through. She was able to fly again, so that's the good news

Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:28] Oh good for her, man. That's a really happy ending.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:30] It really is. That was a whole kind of a heartbreaking mess and you just couldn't help but feel the pain through the email. But yeah, she's ready to get back in the cockpit. That's amazing.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:39] That is so awesome. Thank you, Megan, for writing back in and following up because I mean that was one of those ones where I was just so mad when I was reading that and I was just like, oh, this just sucks. She can't follow her dreams, but now she can at least fly again, so that's great.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:53] Yeah. She was so sad. So depressed watching her husband fly too. It's so brutal. Yeah. Go back and check out the guest Zakary Dychtwald. If you haven't yet about Young China. It's such an interesting conversation.

[00:49:04] If you want to know how I managed to book all of these great people and manage relationships using systems and tiny habits, check out Six-Minute Networking, that's our free course on networking and relationship development, jordanharbinger.com/course. You can't do it later. You got to do it now. It's all about that daily consistency. Dig the well before you're thirsty. The drills take a few minutes a day. It's the type of stuff that I just wish I knew 20 years ago, jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @Jordan Harbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show and with me. Videos of our interviews are at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:49:42] And please check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks. We discuss what went wrong on the Internet and who's to blame along with cybersecurity apps, gadgets, books, and more. That is Grumpy Old Geeks.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:49:53] This show is created in association with Podcast One. This episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jase Sanderson, show notes by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in your questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own. And yes, I'm a lawyer, but I'm not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others. Share the show with those you love, and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipeline. Very excited for 2020. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:50:30] Hey guys, have you checked out The Official Lakers Podcast yet? It's better than ever this season. Join host Mike Trudell and co-host Aaron Larsuel every Monday night as they discuss the Laker news of the day, breakdown the games from the week, and have exclusive interviews from players, coaches, and staff. This week, the Lakers take on the Clippers and a Christmas day showdown. Be sure to tune into The Official Lakers Podcast to get all the game highlights.