284: Should I Secretly Test My Kid’s Paternity? | Feedback Friday

Transcript for Should I Secretly Test My Kid's Paternity? | Feedback Friday (Episode 284)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:03] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people, and turn their wisdom into practical advice so that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.

[00:00:19] This week we had Ken Perenyi, master art forger, who gets into the specifics of how his craft is executed. He's made over, I think, 2000 forgeries during his career. We also spoke with Brian Koppelman, creator of Rounders, Oceans 13, and Billions. We do a deep dive into creativity and get a peek behind the kimono on how hit TV shows and movies are made from the ground up. Also, I write every so often on the blog, you can find some of the latest at jordanharbinger.com/articles. Make sure you've had a look and a listen to everything we created for you here this week.

[00:00:51] Of course, our primary mission here on The Jordan Harbinger Show is to pass along our guests and our own experiences and insights to you. In other words, the real purpose of the show is to have conversations directly with you, and that's what we're going to do today and every Friday here on Feedback Friday. We just want to place one brick in that structure that makes up your life. That's what the podcast is really all about. And you can reach us at friday@jordanharbinger.com.

[00:01:15] I just got back from Bhutan -- which is the Kingdom of Bhutan to be specific. Bhutan is a kingdom in the Himalayas that is just South of China, North of Bangladesh, Burma, next to Nepal. Really just everything you would expect from a small country, one of the least visited countries in the world. It's a Buddhist Kingdom on the Himalayas' eastern edge. It's got thousands of monasteries and fortresses, dramatic landscapes. I did a lot of climbing. I did a lot of hiking. I did very little sleeping, but once sleeping I did do was at extreme altitude. So I came back and I'm not only jetlagged, but I'm clogged as hell. So the reason I sound froggy is because of the 10 days I spent hanging out with monks in the middle of nowhere and a whole country full of coughing people, and you can only avoid it for so long, but it was amazing. Absolutely unreal! I've got some photos. I'll post at some point. We climbed 10,000 feet, miles up into this sky, slept overnight at monasteries that tourists aren't even supposed to be at, in the first place. Just unbelievable, just an unbelievable experience. And we donated some Stance socks to child monks that are orphans. That was kind of a cool highlight of the trip as well. Thanks to Stance for donating a bunch of socks.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:29] I saw the pictures of that. That was really cool.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:02:31] It was cool. You've never seen kids that excited to get socks. I mean, they were just absolutely freaking out because they were mostly barefoot or wearing two mismatched shoes or wearing socks that had holes in them, and it was so cold that I had like three jackets, a base layer, two pairs of pants, hiking boots, a hat and gloves that I was freaking freezing. And these kids are barefoot wearing robes and they were cold. You could just tell. And so they were putting the socks on over their other socks and then half the kids were wearing like four hats and three pairs of socks. It was pretty cool. Yeah, it was really rewarding and makes you very grateful that you don't live on a mountain in the middle of nowhere. I'll tell you that.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:10] These kids are going to grow up to be the most stylish monks you've ever seen.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:12] Yeah. They were like, "Well, we really want plain colored clothing." And I was like, "Well, we have Star Wars socks," and they were like, "We'll take it."

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:20] Beggars can't be choosers.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:21] Yeah. It was kind of like that. It was kind of like, "Well, they're little kids." We're not going to dictate that they can't wear fun stuff and that they have to be cold instead. That's not really the point, right?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:32] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:33] Right. So fascinating trip, just absolutely unreal. I definitely want to speak more about it at some point as well. But in the meantime, let's get to the mailbag because we've got some craziness that's been sort of festering in the inbox as I've been gone and some of it is pretty interesting.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:03:46] Hi, all. I want to start off by saying that I love both of my kids. They're three years apart, but I noticed differences in appearance that had been really bugging me. I've been married for almost 20 years, so if the findings were not good, there would be some major complications to deal with. It all started when I saw family pictures of a guy my wife is Facebook friends with and that she had a history with long before we got together. The photos of his youngest and my youngest look very similar in the face, especially the nose and chin -- that kind of stands out and is unique. I'm thinking about -- very discreetly -- doing a paternity test in secret. However, I honestly don't know what I would do if the results were not good. What do you think? Signed, The Curious Papa.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:25] So there's a lot here, but the core issue is that you're doubting your marriage based on what I consider to be some pretty flimsy evidence. I know we edited this letter for length, but the only evidence that's in here is Facebook photos of another guy's kids. That your wife knew before you, I'm not totally convinced that that's a good reason to doubt your entire marriage.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:04:48] True. This comes down to the nose and chin. That's kind of, you know, not really the burden of proof you're looking for there.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:04:56] I think this is a terrible, terrible idea, because if you're right and this is not your biological child. What you get this kid excited about a Christmas present or whatever sort of guys you're trying to get a paternity test. You go get him like some sort of DNA thing or you're in this weird 007 mission inside your marriage, and then if it turns out to not be your kid -- what? It's a traumatic experience for the child. There's no emotional preparation for it. If your suspicions are confirmed, then what? You're fighting with your wife, there's going to be drama. There's going to be a possible divorce. The kid is going to think, "Oh, this is partly my fault." So there's a whole lot wrong with this. And to what? Ease your curiosity. Are you really not to think differently about your child and your marriage? And suppose that you're wrong, well, you better hope your wife never finds out because that'll torpedo the marriage too. So if there's nothing, you damaged your relationships forever and, of course, if you do find something, it's probably not going to change the way you feel about your kid, but it will sure as hell change the way you feel about your wife and it'll change the way your kid feels about you. Your marriage is going to be over. You're still going to be on the hook as a parent. You're just going to have a much unhappier situation out of everything. Just kind of really not making a lot of sense to me. Plus a lot of kids don't look like the parents early and then grow into somebody that looks just like them later or grows into somebody that looks like a distant relative later on. You can't really tell. I mean, this kid's body is still developing. The face is still developing. There's nothing set in stone here. You have no way of knowing what the kid will look like when he grows up, and in the meantime, you're making a decision that could screw up your marriage, screw up your relationship with your family. I see pretty much zero upside to this.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:41] None. There's no upside here whatsoever. Let sleeping dogs lie for sure.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:06:46] Exactly. You know the paternity test, it's treating the symptom and not the disease. You've got to rebuild trust with your wife, get some therapy for yourself. And then get some couples therapy with your wife and figured out what the real issue is. Because this -- "My kid sort of maybe kind of doesn't look like me" -- this is not it. This is a red herring if anything. All right, Jason, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:06] Hi Jordan. My name's Ethan Carter. I'm a 30-year-old student finishing my bachelor's in cybersecurity. I have an outstanding GPA of 3.93 and I've even had a year of experience working in the industry as a cybersecurity engineer before graduation. I've also competed in several national cybersecurity competitions and done quite well with the last competition, landing us at a rank of 14th out of 105 teams in the nation and second place in our region. However, the startup I was with when under and everyone got laid off. And I'm in this weird no man's land where I'm overqualified for internships because of my experience and the fact that I'm about to graduate, but underqualified for entry-level positions because I don't have any certifications yet. These certifications are expensive and the ones I want are completely out of reach for me as I'm doing minimum-wage work to pay for an apartment that I got when I was gainfully employed, which means I don't have enough left over to pay for the certifications, and I don't have enough to move out to a cheaper place. I only have one more quarter left on my degree, but I fear I'm still going to be stuck in this in-between no man's land until I find a way to breakthrough. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I came a long way from homelessness to get where I am now, and it really sucks to get stuck again when I was so close to finally breaking out of poverty. Trying not to drown with land in sight, Ethan.

[00:08:20] So first of all, we keep everyone anonymous, but Ethan wanted us to use his real name, which is kind of cool. So thanks, Ethan. The first thing that comes to mind, financial assistance for certifications -- this is like a student loan or a bank loan. In my opinion, having a certification like this, it's not the same as having a bachelor of arts degree from some liberal arts school or something like that. Not that there's no value in that, but if you need a certification to get the job, it's as important as having a car or a way to get to work. You could probably also get an internship and have the company pay for the certificate in lieu of a salary. You can negotiate that in the beginning as well. If you need those certifications to get a job in your field, you've got to do whatever it takes to go get them even if you have to take a different kind of work and save money to finance it on the side. Like working at a freaking movie theater is no cup of tea. You would probably wouldn't have to do that, but you could save money on the side, get your certifications and get a job. But Jason, you seem to think this isn't even going to be a problem.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:09:14] Yes. Cybersecurity right now has a 100 percent employment rate. They are desperate for just warm bodies behind a keyboard right now. If you're going to have a degree coming out of school, the certifications, I think, you can actually negotiate with just about any company once you have that degree and are out in the world. To have them at least cover it or maybe just float you a few bucks to get it done and pay him back. Because there are so many cybersecurity companies out there right now that really are looking for people. You're in the perfect spot to get in with any of these companies. So I'm not worried about you. You may have to do the internship just for like a few months while you get that certification and have them pay for it or do some kind of deal with them for sure. But I think you're going to be just fine. So just start making phone calls. You're going to land on somebody who will definitely help you out.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:00] Yeah. I mean, having a high GPA and having some work experience that should be enough for anybody to go, "Look, we'll take a flyer on you, drop five, 10K, whatever these certs costs, but you have to work here for a year. If we pay for that or you have to pay us back over the next 18 months that you're working here, a hundred bucks out of your check at a time, whatever it is." They're going to want you to be there. They're not going to say, "Oh, you couldn't afford out-of-pocket expenses, next." There is no next. That's why everyone's getting hired in this industry. You picked a good industry and I wouldn't sweat it. Yeah, just like Jason said just start making phone calls and figure out who's going to accommodate.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:10:34] And if you can hit up a trade show like RSA or some of the hacker conferences like DerbyCon or Black Hat. I know those aren't until later in the year, next year, but even smaller hacker conferences or cybersecurity, anything that you can get to where there are professionals and companies that are looking for people. I'm telling you if you walk in the door and you say, "Hey, I have a degree in cybersecurity and I have experience and I have all of these wins under my belt." They're going to be, "When can you start?"

Jordan Harbinger: [00:10:59] All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:11:01] Hi, Jordan. 28-year-old male here. I am actually from India but recently moved to Ireland for higher studies. I've been severely stammering all my life and have recently been facing severe difficulty in communicating with people. I was never bullied for my issue, but I was rejected for numerous job positions because of it. My overall confidence has been low for the last few years. I'm a graduate in engineering and studying masters in management. Right now I'm working a part-time job in a supermarket and studying. English isn't my first language, but I'm having issues in my mother tongue as well these days. I feel my anxiety is taking a toll on me and since moving to Ireland, my stammering has been getting worse. I took many therapy sessions for stammering over the years but never had any significant improvement. There was no concept of anxiety or depression therapies back in India, so I never tried it. I have a really positive outlook on life and I try to live my life to the fullest. I've traveled solo many times and I like to go out with friends, but now I noticed that I'm trying to avoid interaction with new people. Any suggestions on what I can do to calm my nerves and get on in my life? I feel this is going to get in my way now that I'm into the highly competitive job market. Thanks for being helpful with your podcast. Signed, Stuck With a Stammer.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:11] Well, first of all, you have my sympathy here. My mom was a speech therapist, so I understand how this type of stutter or stammer can almost take over your life. It's kind of like having something on your forehead. You just know that someone's going to notice it. It's only a matter of time and it's going to cause you some kind of problem. If this is a problem that's affecting your job prospects, that truly is -- I'm actually kind of interested, how do you know you were rejected from jobs because of this? That can only happen in other countries, right? Nobody in the States is going to go, "Well, the thing is you stutter, we're not going to have you." That would be --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:40] Illegal.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:40] lawsuit city.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:41] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:42] So I'm wondering how you know that that's actually happened or if maybe in other countries they can just bluntly tell you that and not feel totally horrible about themselves and also not be breaking any laws. But if this is affecting your job prospects and confidence, you should attack the problem. And I know you've worked on it before, but you need to combine this with therapy for the anxiety and the depression, not simply the speech issue. I know that that's been something that you have been reluctant to do or haven't done yet, but otherwise, look, if you're just going after speech therapy, but you're not treating the anxiety, you're not treating the depression, you're not treating any of the confidence issues, the underlying core issues, it's like you're bailing water out of a boat while the whole still has holes in it. Does that make sense? The water's rushing in and you're bailing it out, but if one problem is making the rest worse, you need to attack them all at the same time in a coordinated way. Or you'll potentially get frustrated and you'll want to give up. I'm not saying the same therapist can do all these types of therapy, but you should certainly be seeing somebody about anxiety and depression in addition to having a speech therapist. I know you said, "Oh, we don't really do that in India." Now's the time. You're not in India anymore. You came to Ireland for a better life, and I think part of living that better life is taking advantage of care options that are there for you. And you may have some shame around it, but look, one, you don't have time for shame. You're trying to build a lifestyle for yourself and a life for yourself. If you can't get around this, it's going to haunt you. You sort of said it yourself, so you've got to do whatever you can to attack this problem, even if it means setting aside maybe some preconceived notions about whether or not anxiety and depression are something you should talk about because, in my opinion, you absolutely should. This is something that you need to get past, and the sooner you do it, the better, the better your career will be and the better your personal life will be.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:14:31] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:14:35] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator.

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Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:49] This episode is also sponsored by Manscaped. I didn't think I was going to like this product, but when it arrived, it was just really nice. So jingle balls to the walls, fellas, listen up untrimmed pubes are a thing of the past. You've got to gear up, get yourself the gift of shaving this holiday season. They've got the Manscaped Perfect -- these guys, whoever's doing the naming and branding over there is on point. Manscaped Perfect package 2.0. My two hairless cats, they also kind of look like shorn scrotums. You can match Mickey and Momo using Manscaped this season. I don't know if I want to put that out there. I think I'm asking for trouble with that. Somehow the words shorn scrotum appeared in my Mike Rowe episode. So maybe I need to see a counselor about this. But anyway, this revolutionary company Manscaped, they've redesigned the electric trimmer, the Lawn Mower 2.0 has SkinSafe technologies. You're not going to nick your nuts. It's also waterproof, so you can use it in the shower and clog up some drains. The Lawn Mower 2.0 comes in the Perfect Package 2.0 which is a great gift for the holiday season. It's literally everything you need to keep trimmed, cut free, smelling nice down there. That's right. They got some ball deodorant. The products smell good. The stuff is of high quality. This is just a gem, a goofy but totally necessary and fun and well-made gem of a product. Jason, tell them where they can get that.

[00:17:13] Get 20 percent off and free shipping with code Jordan20 at manscaped.com. That's 20 percent off with free shipping at manscaped.com and use code Jordan20. Clean up your nuts and make Santa proud.

[00:17:25] Thanks for listening in supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit Jordan harbinger.com/deals and if you'd be so kind to please drop us a nice rating and review in iTunes or your podcast player of choice, it really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that. Head on over to jordanharbinger.com/subscribe. Now let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:17:51] All right, Jay, what else we got?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:17:53] Hey, Jordan. How do you sell ideas without getting them stolen? I have a phone call with a major hotel chain after I reached out to them regarding ideas to make family travel better with their hotels. I did a cross-country road trip with my girls over the summer and I saw pivotal points and details that would make a huge difference. How do I get across that I have great ideas without losing them? Did I miss a podcast on this? Big thanks in advance. Signed, Trying to Help and Still Get Paid.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:18] Well, the trick to making sure your ideas don't get stolen -- let me, let me even back up a little. It's not to use legal documents, but to present the ideas in such a way that you're the only one they need to implement them or you're the only one that can implement them. So this is called the briefcase technique. We've talked about this before on the show, but when you present your ideas, instead of saying, "Well, I've got these three ideas that you could do, and you get to figure out how to do them, and they're so great, give me a check." What you do is you say, "Here are my ideas. Here's exactly in very specifically how they would be implemented by me. Here's how it would look if I implemented them for you, and here's the price or the amount of time or the deal that I'm proposing in order to implement these for you." Now, not everyone's going to take you up on that, but a lot of people will. The truth is, ideas alone are really not that valuable. Only execution is valuable. I'm a little confused here because you want them to implement your ideas, right? Ideally, they do steal them and put them into practice to improve the business. It sounds like what you want here is for them to only implement your ideas if they hire you to implement them, but that's not really how this works.

[00:19:30] Anytime you hire a consultant or some other expert, you kind of maybe sort of know what they're going to do but the fact that they're able to do it and do it well is what you're paying for. So if you just have some sort of novel idea, like, "Hey, you should have video games in the waiting room, that idea is worth zero dollars. But if you've got some sort of comprehensive family entertainment plan that a hotel can put into place and they need somebody who's going to outline and execute that, well, that's a job. Ideas and little quick one-offs. Those aren't really that valuable, and I know that it's tempting to think this idea is genius. It's a million-dollar idea. There's just no such thing. If you want them to implement what you have, make sure you outline a proposal properly for what you are going to do for them. And if it's just ideas, just give them the ideas because they themselves alone in the absence of execution are not worth anything.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:20] And she doesn't say in her letter that she wants to actually get a job.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:23] No.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:24] That's interesting too. It's like, "Oh, I want to give them my ideas --

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:26] But I want to get paid.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:27] –and not lose them, but yeah --

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:29] But I don't want to do anything. I just want to get on a phone call and give ideas. So I don't know if that's what she's saying. It's just kind of like, it sort of sounds like that is what she's saying.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:37] Yeah. It comes across like that in the letter, so yeah you're not going to get paid for anything, but if you want to travel nicer next year at this time with your girls, well then give them the ideas and just let them implement them, and that way your life has improved.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:48] Now, you can get on a call and tell them you have some great ideas and hopefully they could find a way to compensate you. But bringing that up is going to be something you have to do with some tact. Otherwise, you're going to look a little bit entitled. You might say, "Yeah, I would love to have these implemented. I can either implement them for you, " if you are indeed looking for a job. Or you can say, "Hopefully you find some value here and maybe you guys can throw me a little gift certificate on my next stay because I am a huge fan of your hotel business or your chain or the XYZ location and I plan on going back there with my girls." They would probably comp you at night, maybe give you a gift certificate, upgrade your status, something like that. But the odds of them getting out a checkbook for a simple idea, I would say are pretty much zero. All right, next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:21:28] Good afternoon, Jordan. I'm not a shy guy. I'm comfortable and can reach out to people in different companies and different executives, personnel, et cetera. However, all I seem to do is get them to talk to me, or if they are an executive in sports, they'll offer me tickets to a game, offer their help with any questions that I may have, but I really don't know how to strike that sword when they say that they are there for anything that I need. All of those are great and all. However, I want to get over the hump and get the job that I want. What does, I'm here if you need anything actually mean, and how far can I take it? Thank you. Signed, Stuck on the Hump.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:22:02] Well, I understand that you don't want to say, "Great, what I want is a job in your office, but what we need to do is actually kind to do that without actually coming across and putting people in an awkward position. So the best thing you can do is asked for specific kinds of advice. So you might say, "Well, actually, I'd love to know about XYZ in this industry," or, "What do you think is the best path for somebody starting off if I were to start off in this position?" This is also the Ben Franklin effect. People will feel an affinity for you if they can give you advice, of course, in you asking for advice is a good way to trigger that. You can also ask for informational interviews and what you do here, you don't say, "Hi, I'd like an informational interview. The way this works is you say, "I actually do have some industry-related questions. Can I meet you in your office? I'll bring over the coffee," or, "Can we meet for coffee near your office?" Don't ask them to come over to you. Don't ask them to meet on a weekend. Don't ask them to meet in the evening unless it's their idea, and ideally, you go to them. Most people can have someone in their office or at least meet for coffee nearby and it's really easy. And when you do go, when you meet with them, what you don't do is then of course, again, ask for the job. What you'll ask for are what would you do if you were in my situation and you were looking for a job in this industry? Where would you start? Who would you contact? What kind of opportunities should I be looking for?

[00:23:26] These are great ways to explore and probe for opportunities without putting anyone in an awkward position. See, they can say, ‘Well, if I were you, what I would do is I would start looking on Craigslist and start taking out the trash at different agencies." That is not them getting you a job. That's them giving you some advice. Hopefully, it won't be that advice, but it'll be something like, "Well, what you need to do is intern for a professional sports team. Cleaning baseball bats for six months until you get the hang of XYZ." But what most people will do is they'll say, "I don't know. Let me ask about entry-level positions we have around here and see what the qualifications are." Then these people might say, "Yeah, they only job posting we have right now is a copy machine, coffee maker assistant, but the last guy that got that job moved up four months later and is now the assistant to one of the junior partners." Who knows, right? That's how people get in here, but you don't want to ask them specifically for the gig until they offer something like that. Because what you don't want is for them to be in a position where they have to say no or I don't know, and then they end up avoiding you because they feel like they can't help you. So leverage this, ask for the informational interview asks to meet them near their office for coffee, whatever it is, ask for their advice. But don't ask for a job until it's time to ask for the job. And I would use Six-Minute Networking to keep the contacts fresh as well. So if you haven't talked to somebody for three, four, five, six months, make sure you're using the drills from Six-Minute Networking to keep people active, to make sure that you are top of mind.

[00:24:55] Because look, if you ask someone for advice and they say, "Yeah, we're not hiring right now, but next time we are, I'll keep you in mind." Don't wait 18 months to circle back around with them again. Circle back in six to eight weeks. That way when they do see an open position, it's, "Oh, right. How about that guy who I was talking to before? Let me shoot this off to him. He's got an email in my inbox right now. I'll just reply with the job posting." That's how a lot of people get their foot in the door. And if you're not doing Six-Minute Networking yet, it's at jordanharbinger.com/course. It is designed in part to keep contacts fresh for things like this. Ask for advice, get an informational interview, make it convenient for them, and don't ask for the job until it's time to ask for the job. All right. What else we got?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:25:38] Hi Jay Crew. I keep getting this email saying my system has been hacked, telling me of an old password I used to use and that I need to send them $900 in Bitcoin, or they will post pictures of me in all of the nasty things I do in front of my computer. Guess they don't know. I don't have a camera on my computer and I certainly wouldn't do nasty things in front of it even if it existed. It caused me to change my passwords everywhere. When I did that, I realized there are accounts out there that used to use the old password. they quote-unquote hacked, but I haven't used those accounts in years, like Best Buy or Blockbuster. I might've set up an account with that password 10 years ago, but now I can't get into those accounts because I no longer use those emails. What happens to them? Do I need to worry about them? Thanks, Cyber Unsecure.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:22] Jason, this sounds like the Bitcoin ransom scam that we were hearing about before.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:27] Yeah. We call those sextortion scams.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:30] Yeah. I had a buddy email me once and he was like, "Okay, this is embarrassing, but here's the deal. They said they got me dead to rights on this porn site, and I don't know if it's true. What's the deal?" And what was funny is he got into like some pretty funny details about where he thinks they got the password -- none of which were probably where they got the password. But he was emailing me and he was like, "Yeah, it was either from -- and I can't believe I'm telling you this," and it was like -- I'm afraid to give the real URL.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:26:57] Don't do it, don't do it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:26:59] But it was all these sort of cliched, very porny sounding Web addresses. And I was thinking, "Oh, yeah, this is not an easy email for you to write, is it?" He sent it off and he's like, "Please don't hate me, but I also don't want to end up, you know, on the Internet with my face attached to whatever this person may have." but this isn't real. Right. This is garbage.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:16] Yeah. What's happened here is that someone buys a list of old hacked accounts because basically, they used to hash passwords with what's called MD5 that has been completely hacked and everybody knows how to reverse engineer the password, so these lists are out there for everybody. Your username and password from 10 years ago is probably out there as well. So what they do is they take that list and they make the same email and send it to everyone with their username and password, and they hope that people just pony up the Bitcoin because they got scared and they know that they're doing something wrong, but they don't have anything on you except that old breach data period. If you write them back and say, send me some of those pictures, prove it. They don't. So for them, it's just like a numbers game.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:54] That was what I told my buddy to do. I go tell them to show you what they got, and the scammer replied with, "You don't want me to send what I got. It's too bad." It's like, okay, well that's a pretty weak bluff. Delete.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:07] Yeah, seriously. It's like, okay, we're not talking about the nuclear codes here. If it's a picture of me, you know, spanking at three in the morning and go ahead and send it over. I've seen it before. It's okay. I'm not going to get offended but nobody ever sends those back. So you know, like I said, it's just a numbers game, but anybody who's listening that's ever gotten one of those promptly, ignore it, delete it. It's not real.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:29] Well, that's good. That's a relief. So if I ever got that, I'd be like, yeah, right. And I use a different password for every single website, so it doesn't bother me. And people always go, "How do you manage to do that? How do you remember everything?" And then if you're like some people I know you keep a bunch of your passwords on a fricking sticky note on your desk, which is even worse. You might as well not have a password.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:48] Yeah, no, my roommate has a piece of paper that she carries around in her notebook that she takes out of the house. I've been trying to fix it for years, but some people never learn.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:28:58] That's a mess.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:28:58] But everybody, everybody, they need password hygiene. You have to have a password manager. You never, never, ever, ever, ever want to use the same username and password for more than one site. If one site hack, that's fine. Okay, we can mitigate this. We know what the damage is here, but if you use that same password everywhere on your bank, on your email, then these guys have free reign of your accounts. So products like Dashlane or 1Password, they handle it for you. They sync across all your computers and even your phone. So you have your passwords everywhere and you use one password to open up the vault. And that way you have access to everything and you don't have to remember everything. You have really strong long passwords that they generate for you every time you actually create a new password. The other nice thing is most of these will follow breaches that come out. They get the list of the breaches, and they will tell you if you are compromised or not, and they'll also tell you if you've reused a password, you really need one of these things in your life. It's like, seriously, you need a password manager.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:29:55] I think we actually have a Dashlane code, dash lane.com/jordan. There's a deal for it there and this has been something I've been using for you. I think you got me into it. It's been a game-changer because now if somebody is like, "Oh, I got your Yahoo email password from 2008." I'm like, "I don't care. I don't use it for everything else." It is scary. Jen's dad, my father-in-law, somehow somebody got ahold of his Apple ID or something like that and we were like, "Oh, well we can reset that." And then I said, "Wait, do you use this anywhere else?" And he's like, "Yeah, the bank, the mortgage, the water company." And we were like, "Oh my gosh." Because they changed the email to .ru, right? So something in Russia and we're like, okay, this is like a kind of semi-pro-hacked job where they're going after very specific things for specific reasons. We went in and they were like, sure enough, there are people trying to log in from another country, but we blocked it because it looked suspicious but that was kind of scary.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:50] Yeah, you have to have that password hygiene because it's going to save your bacon cause everybody gets acted some point. Don't make it easy for them. Do not make it easy for them. Go to dashlane.com/jordan, get that 10 percent off and just get started on that. And as far as those old ghost accounts go, there's not much you can do about those if you don't have access to the email address anymore. If there's no credit card data stored on the sites, just forget about them. Nobody cares. The sites are old and defunct like Blockbuster, and they still had your credit card information. Well, your credit cards do expire. So you know, if it's a couple of years old, chances are if anybody does get the credit card info, which they shouldn't, they should be encrypted. But at that point, the credit cards usually have expired and you're issued new ones with new CVVs and expiration dates.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:33] Which means that anything they find there probably can't be used and any breach that's big, like if you breach Blockbuster and they get credit card data, you're going to find out about it. They're not just getting yours most likely. They're going to breach the whole site.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:47] Yeah. And the, you know, the laws around disclosure from these companies and plus public shaming. Once these things are announced, then you get free credit monitoring for a year usually nothing else. There are no real consequences for these guys except free credit monitoring but they will let you know if something has happened so you can keep an eye out for that. But, for the most part, for those old, old accounts, just let them go. You can spend time on support and calling home or doing, you know, chat support or email support, but at the end of the day, you're just kind of spinning your wheels and wasting time.

[00:32:18] If you want a great podcast to listen to about cybersecurity, social engineering, and attack similar to the sextortion scams, check out the Hacking Humans podcast with my friends, Dave Bittner and Joe Carrigan. They talk about all this stuff, but it's a very accessible podcast for lay people. It's not filled with jargon and they break down scams like the sextortion scam and other ones that most people would run across nowadays. It is very friendly, very funny, and they do a really good job of it. That's the Hacking Humans podcast. Check it out.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:32:45] All right, Jason. Thank you very much. What else we got in the bag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:32:48] Hi Jordan. My ex has worked illegally for cash, the entirety of her visa. After we split, I tried putting it behind me, but for unavoidable reasons, we had to keep interacting. This was fine until she came into my work with her new partner and basically shoved it down my throat. I adjusted my work to avoid her, but all her extra work made it impossible. To keep my sanity and to escape, I've changed jobs entirely now, but I want to report her for a visa breach. Should she get investigated, she'll likely be deported. However, I feel like I'd ruin her life over my hurt feelings. What should I do? Signed, To Report or Not to Report.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:24] So this is a person who is working in the United States. They're not supposed to be working in the United States. They have probably a tourist visa or something like that, and she's working illegally, taking cash under the table. This is as a little bit gross, man. I'm not going to lie. It sounds like the whole shoving it down my throat thing, maybe mostly in your head from the sound of it. Kind of hard to say. We don't really have details on there. I would ask does the punishment fit the crime? Let's put her aside for now. How will it affect you knowing that you did something like this? It's out of integrity. It's going to keep you up at night. You're going to end up what because you're a little bit jealous, you're going to ruin someone's life, especially we don't know if she's here on a tourist visa or if she's here on a student visa. What if she's here on a student visa? Not supposed to work, but doesn't have enough money because she came over from, I don't know, Poland or something. She didn't have enough savings to pay for everything. A server or something like that trying to pay her way through school and you're going to get her deported for that. I mean, that's really sleazy. Now, look, I filled in some of the details myself. She could be here on a tourist visa, maybe that's not great.

[00:34:30] Think about how you will feel doing that. The fact that you're asking the question means you have your doubts and that you'd know better. This might be a fantasy. You get a kick from. But I would not do it for your own sake, let alone the fact that it's a disproportionate punishment for whatever she might've done to you or whatever you feel like she has done to you. It sounds like she broke up with you and now you're thinking, how do I get back at her? And you can't think of a better way to get over this than to screw up her life. Look, you're writing in and you're asking me about this. So I think you already know the answer, and I think you're not a bad person. I think this is just something that sort of popped into your head. If she's really rubbing it in your face, you could always drop a hint that you know she's doing something illegal. I think that would probably scare the crap out of her without actually ruining her life. But I think it's just such a sleazebag move, to deport someone. I also think it's a very sleazebag move to try to control someone else through fear. Even if that person has wronged you in the past, I still think it's kind of a sleazebag move to try to control someone else through fear.

[00:37:31] You have an opportunity to be the bigger person here and I think you should take it. There's a Buddhist quote, right? Maybe I'm very influenced by Bhutan here, but having this kind of anger in you, it's like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. It's just bad. You holding this -- She might not even be thinking about this, and here you are dreaming up ways to make sure she hates life for the next five years because you think it'll help you get over the loss of her as a partner and it won't. It'll make you feel terrible. You'll hate yourself and her. That's even worse.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:36:05] Yeah. He's got one arrow in his quiver and that's all he's got to work with, so this is what he's thinking about, but this is terrible. What if this person eventually wants to move here and become a citizen? And they're not going to have any chance if you do this to them. It's disproportionate payback and should be just left on the floor. Don't think about it ever again because A, you're just going to be a horrible person if you do it. And from what you've written in already, you know that. So just let sleeping dogs lie. You got a new job, you don't see her anymore. Just walk away, man, walk away.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:36] Also, I find it pretty curious, you didn't seem to think there was anything wrong with her working illegally while she was sleeping with you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:36:44] Good point.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:45] Right? "Oh, then it was fine, but right now, oh, well, you have this other guy. Well, I'll show you." That's what I'm reading right here. It really just sounds sort of pathetic. I'm not trying to be a name caller. I know you're writing in to get advice on this. If you were to do the wrong thing, you would probably be a pathetic, jealous individual, but I don't think that you are, so I hope that you don't do it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:37:08] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:11] This episode is sponsored in part by Wolf & Shepherd. Wolf & shepherd makes the world's most comfortable dress shoes for people who are out there to get stuff done. And I know this is a bold claim, they walked the walk. They had a guy not only run but freaking win a half marathon in their shoes. I had to look that up. I was kind of thinking like that's one of those dumb marketing claims that's not true at all, but it is legit. Wolf & Shepherd was founded by a former track athlete and Adidas designer who realized, look, all these amazing innovations are happening at tennis shoes, athletic shoes. None of them are making their way into dress shoes, even though that's what most of us are wearing on a daily basis. So Italian leather, think innovative support, think innovative cushioning -- Think all of these upgrades they've created and put them all in dress shoes that you can wear all day, super, super comfortable. Wolf & Shepherd prioritizes comfort in your feet, which are on all day long. Plus these things look awesome. I've known about these guys for a while. I've got a pair of the Bannister Derby, and they not only look amazing, but they are ridiculously comfortable. It's like a pair of sneakers. Jason, tell them where they can check out Wolf & Shepherd.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:38:15] Now listen up now through December 3rd, Wolf & Shepherd is offering $101 off any purchase over $300 when you use promo code Jordan. This is by far their biggest sale of the year, so you do not want to miss out. So visit wolfshepherd.com/jordan and use promo code Jordan. Again, that's Wolf A-N-D-S-H-E-P-H-E-R-D wolfandshepherd.com/jordan. Yup, yup, I know you probably know how to spell shepherd, but someone else listening just may not. So to get that a $101 off, any purchase over $300, that's wolfandshepherd.com/jordan.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:38:52] This episode is sponsored by Butcher Box. You know, recently I've stopped eating as much meat in part because humanely raised meat is important to us and it's actually really hard to find. It's hard to find it. The selection is typically pretty bad, even around here and fancy pants Silicon Valley where you can probably find organic anything. You go to the store in the meat section of humanely raised sort of grass-fed stuff is the size of one of those little hand handcarts. It's better for you. It's better for the animal. It's better for the environment and Butcher Box ships a curated selection of high-quality meat right to the door. All the meats are free of antibiotics. It's all free of added hormones. Each box has nine to 11 pounds of meat. That's enough for like two dozen meals. It's packed fresh. It's shipped frozen and vacuum-sealed, so it stays that way. And I customize my box or I go with one of theirs. So either way, we get exactly what we want. It shipped right to the door, one less trip to the store. They've got a lot of options, like a hundred percent grass-fed and finished beef, free-range organic chicken, heritage pork -- which I thought was awesome -- and wild-caught Alaskan salmon, which was really good. They also have sugar and nitrate-free bacon, which if you're a bacon fan, which I think like almost everyone is a who eats pork, well, this is the top-notch stuff. So with Butcher Box, you get the highest quality meat for around six bucks a meal. Free shipping nationwide, except Alaska and Hawaii. Sorry, you're just too dang far away.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:40:13] This Black Friday, your first box comes with Butcher Box's Ultimate Steak Sampler. That's eight free steaks. Just go to butcherbox.com/jordan or use promo code Jordan at checkout. You'll get to two filet mignons, four top sirloins, and two New York strip steaks, plus $20 off your first box. This is Butcher Box's best deal of the year, and it won't last long, so don't wait. Go to butcherbox.com/jordan or use promo code Jordan at checkout. That's butcher box.com/jordan or use promo code Jordan at checkout.

[00:40:45] This episode is also sponsored by Zoom. When you use Zoom, every day is a little better. Zoom video communication with the Web's best-reviewed video conference service is used by millions to meet one-on-one or hundreds at a time. Zoom video conferencing lets you connect face-to-face with anyone across town or around the world with flawless video, clear audio, and instant sharing of files, video, anything. And you can connect through any device, desktop, laptop, tablet, smartphone, or conference room system. Zoom video conferencing, Zoom rooms, Zoom video webinars, and Zoom phone put state of the art tech at your fingertips, and lets you do business at the speed of zoom. Look, if you're not using Zoom video communications, the only question I have is why not? I'll make it super easy for you. Visit Zoom online and set up a free account today. Try the most affordable and most reliable video communications solution on the market. Meet happy with Zoom.

[00:41:40] Thank you for supporting the show. Your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:55] Okay. Last but not least.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:57] Hey Jordan. My parents are on a cruise and we'll be gone for Thanksgiving. My boyfriend was going to go back to his hometown to see his dad and brother. Part of me would like to go, but I would honestly prefer to be by myself for a few days. My boyfriend and I live together, so we spend a lot of time together and I'm planning on spending Christmas with him. I haven't had a few days to myself in a long time, and I've been stressing about finding a job, so I was thinking of using this time to clear my head, attend job interviews, and just take some time to myself. This is our third Thanksgiving together and we didn't spend it together the first year. Just last year. I don't see the big deal, but my boyfriend is pretty upset about it. I'm planning on marrying him, so we will have so many more Thanksgivings in the future. I should also mention we'd be gone for about four days, which seems really long to me. I'm just a homebody. I like my own bed and I'm very introverted. What should I do? Sincerely, Home for the Holidays.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:48] So it just sounds like introversion. I totally get needing me-time and a holiday won't be relaxing and fun for you if you can't relax or have fun.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:42:58] Seriously.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:59] So I get where you're coming from. I would do you. I would stay home, but I would talk to him about it and explain why. I would also ask why he's upset and whether he's attaching meaning to it where maybe he shouldn't be. You know, maybe you're saying, "Hey, I don't want to go. I've got to attend job interviews. I want to sleep in, I want to sleep in my own bed. I want to get a bunch of sleep." And he's thinking. "She doesn't like my family. She doesn't want to spend time with my dad," you know, that kind of stuff. We don't know what he's thinking, but. For him to be upset. Either he's a giant baby that wants his way and he's going to throw a temper tantrum, or he's attaching meaning to something where there shouldn't be. So if he's not just being a big baby, and who knows, we don't have enough detail here, then maybe he's thinking that there's something else going on here, and you should explain to him why that's not the case. But he should respect your decision here if you're getting married, you're going to have a lot more little issues like this and now is as good a time as any to learn how to communicate openly and handle these issues. So if you give in here, you're unhappy. If you don't communicate clearly here, he's unhappy. This is common in relationships and you need to establish a pattern of communication and problem-solving early on. Far too many people just give up on enforcing boundaries because it's easier in the short term.

[00:44:18] This is actually a recipe for unhappiness in the long term. It'd be really easy for you to go, "All right, fine. I'll just go." And then for Christmas, "All right, fine. We'll just go." And then for Valentine's Day, "All right, we'll just do what you want to do. We'll just do what you want to do. We'll just do what you want to do." And then, later on, you're building resentment. And he's like, "Why are you suddenly upset? You didn't care for the last three years." And the reason is because you didn't draw a boundary line and actually enforce it. You're both equally at fault or maybe you even more so.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:44:45] And one day, she stabs him in the neck with a toothbrush because she's fed up.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:44:47] Right. Exactly. And he's like, "What the hell just happened?" Do you, but explain your thinking clearly. Make sure he understands your intent and isn't filling in the blanks in his understanding of your intent using his imagination. Don't let him decide what things mean or why you're doing things. Communicate clearly on that. Tell him you need "me" time. Tell him you need to stay home. Tell him you need to go to job interviews, and that has nothing to do with him. One of the leading causes of miscommunication and relationships of any kind is letting people fill in meaning in their own head without clear communication, assigning meaning to something that just isn't there or it doesn't exist, and it can make problems much, much worse. So enjoy your alone time and good luck on the job hunt.

 

[00:45:32] Life Pro Tip of The Week. If you always listen to music in your car at least once a month -- at least every other week, I would say -- turn off the music. Listen to your car for a couple of minutes. There may be an issue you're not aware of, which could be caught before. It turns into a major problem. I know a lot of people, a handful of people I should say, that have missed pretty blatant things wrong with their car because every time they turn it on, the music kicks on and it doesn't turn off until they shut off the engine. So they couldn't hear that rattle. They couldn't hear the fact that their fan belt had been broken or squeaking for a really long time and turned into something worse. They couldn't hear that their AC unit was making a weird clang. So turn it off every other week for 10 minutes. Time it on your watch if you have to use a little Siri and make sure that your car sounds normal. It could save you a hell of a lot of money and a hell of a lot of headaches.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:46:23] It's funny, I've got an actual story about this. I was driving with my dad into Chicago one time and we didn't have the radio on because we'd like to talk. And I'm just listening and I hear something really weird in the back and I'm like, "Your tire sounds wrong." He was like, "What? No, it's fine. It's what it normally sounds like." I'm like, "No, that's wrong." And then I get a call a week later, he's like, "You probably saved my life. I went into the dealership and they looked at the tire and they said that thing was about ready to blow and he's on the freeway, you know, an hour a day each way and it could have easily blown out while he was driving. He got it fixed, new tires, all better. But if he didn't have his radio off and we were just sitting there listening, he never would have caught it.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:02] Wow. I hadn't thought about the tire issue, but that's right. Yeah. You cause you can hear sometimes when things aren't aligned properly. What were you hearing?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:09] What it was the steel belt had come through the rubber and I was hearing it on the road and I'd been in that car before, so I knew something was wrong. It was just this weird pitch and I'm like, "Something's wrong back there." And he went back and got it checked out and sure enough, that thing was ready to pop.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:25] Crazy.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:26] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:27] Jeez. Recommendation of the week, just in time for Christmas. Jason, this one is all you.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:47:31] Hail Satan? This is a documentary about the Satanic Temple and I didn't know what to expect when I saw it. It is a documentary about a godless religion and they use their religious status to fight for the separation of church and state, which is, you know, ironic as well as things like reproductive rights. They are a very active organization who basically -- they're social and political justice warriors, but they use the church of -- they're not the Church of Satan. That's the Anton LaVey. That one's different than these guys. This is the Satanic Temple. Like I said, I didn't know what to expect, but it was a fascinating documentary. I highly recommend it and you're just going to be surprised. You're going to be completely surprised because there's a joke in here that the people who are in the movie that they're going up against don't get because these guys are basically trolls. You know, the Christians that they're going up against, like literally think that these people worship Satan, which is not the case. It's a mind-bender, but it's really well done. It's directed by Penny Lane, and I highly recommend it. It will make you laugh. It will make you cry. It's got all the fields.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:34] So that's on Hulu, right?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:48:35] That is on Hulu. Yes.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:48:37] All right. We'll link to it in the show notes. Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com.

[00:48:46] If you want to come to prison with us, February 26, 2020. It's going to be an amazing experience. If you want details on that, we are selling the seats now. Registration is open for that. You can email me prison@jordanharbinger.com and you can get signed up and we'll meet you outside Reno, just outside Reno, February 25th and 26th, 2020 and it's about 900 bucks plus travel. It's going to be a life-changing experience. Email me at prison@jordanharbinger.com.

[00:49:14] Quick shout out to everybody that I met in Bhutan. I know a lot of you are OG podcast listeners, as well as new podcast listeners, and I'm excited to see you at the next one.

[00:49:24] Go back and check out the guests from this week, Ken Perenyi and Brian Koppelman if you haven't yet. If you want to know how I manage to book all these great people, manage relationships using systems and tiny habits, check out our Six-Minute Networking course, which is free over at jordanharbinger.com/course. You've got to dig that well before you're thirsty. Don't think you're going to do it later when you need them because they won't need you. Look, these drills take a few minutes a day. That's the whole idea, Six-Minute Networking, people. Ignore it at your own peril. I wish I knew this stuff decades ago. It's all free at jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show. Videos of our interviews are at jordanharbinger.com/youtube. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:50:06] And you can check out my podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks. We discuss what went wrong on the Internet and who's to blame along with cybersecurity apps, gadgets, books at and more. That's at Grumpy Old Geeks available on your podcast player of choice.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:50:18] This show is created in association with PodcastOne and this episode is produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jase Sanderson, show notes for the episode by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in your questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions, and those of our guests are their own. And yes, I'm a lawyer, but not your lawyer, so do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. And remember, we rise by lifting others. So share the show with those you love and even those you don't. We've got lots more in the pipeline and very excited to bring it to you. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen, and we'll see you next time.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:50:57] I'm so excited to be welcoming Hotboxin with Mike Tyson to the PodcastOne family. Listen as Mike Tyson, the baddest man on the planet, pours his soul into conversations with fascinating minds, celebrities, and athletes, along with his cosmic millennials, sidekick and former NFLer Eben Britton, Kid Dynamite dives deep into the issues impacting us all today. This podcast will change the way you see the world. Don't miss Hotboxin with Mike Tyson every week on Apple Podcasts and PodcastOne.