266: Should I Tell My Friend He’s a Horrible Person? | Feedback Friday

Transcript for Should I Tell My Friend He's a Horrible Person? | Feedback Friday (Episode 266)

Jordan Harbinger: [00:00:03] Welcome to Feedback Friday. I'm your host Jordan Harbinger. I'm here with producer Jason DeFillippo. On The Jordan Harbinger Show, we decode the stories, secrets, and skills of the world's most brilliant and interesting people, and we turn their wisdom in a practical advice that you can use to impact your own life and those around you.

[00:00:20] This week, we had Mike Rowe of Dirty Jobs and Returning the Favor. This guy is an interesting cat with a storied career. We talked all about why you shouldn't follow your passion but actually take it with you. Everything he says is funny and very wise so I always enjoyed those conversations. We also had my friend, Moran Cerf. Moran and I talked about chip implants in the brain, how he used to rob banks somehow rob banks and make money legitimately. He was a hacker gone neuroscientist. He's a really sharp interesting guy and a good friend of mine. I really liked that conversation as well. So, make sure you go and check those out, Mike Rowe and Moran Cerf.

[00:00:58] I also write every so often on the blog. One of the latest posts is how you should stop talking about your goals if you want to actually accomplish them. This is some interesting science because a lot of people like to walk around being like, "I'm going do this. Here are my affirmations." Actually, you're not supposed to do any of that our brains like to have a little premature celebration when we talk about our goals and it's actually unhealthy and will go into the science behind why that is not good for you. That's on the blog at jordanharbinger.com/articles. Make sure you've had a look at that article and listen to everything we created for you this week. Of course, our primary mission is to pass along wisdom to you whether that's our experiences and insights are those of our guests, and so we want to have conversations directly with you wherever possible. That's what we do today and every Friday, here on Feedback Friday. You can reach us friday@jordan harbinger.com.

[00:01:47] Remember I'm spending my birthday in prison, February 26, outside Reno. I want you to come with me. There's a few hundred people on the interest list, but we've got a lot of spots and they are very stoked that we're going to be bringing a bunch of people. So, if you want to come and join us, I don't think a few hundred people are going to go. I think it's going to end up being a few dozen. If you want to be one of them email me prison@jordanharbinger.com. It's going to be around a grand, maybe a little more, plus travel. It's a donation, so you're going to be doing good with the money, and I would love to meet you behind bars.

[00:02:20] Jason, what's the first thing out of the mailbag?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:02:22] Hey, Jays. Recently. I stopped all contact with a childhood friend due to his toxic behavior. He went through a pretty bad breakup due to his behavior and I had enough. He thinks that by being a horrible dick to people, he's being really honest and helping them. My other friends tell me that I should talk to him about why I cut him off, but I feel I've told him one too many times why he's a dick and what he could do to change. Do I owe him a conversation because we were childhood friends? I feel bad about it and I just lost a close friend due to suicide a few years back. I can't shake the feeling that he could do something in a moment of weakness that I might blame myself for. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you, Helpless Ex-friend.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:03:02] Well in my opinion if you've told someone two or three times about something that bothers you, like their attitude or the way they treat other people, and then they ignore you, that's on them. I can see overlooking one talk or maybe even blowing off a more serious conversation because you weren't ready to hear it at the time. But after the second or third time, you've just got your head in the sand deliberately and maybe you don't respect other people's opinions or you're too insecure to change what you're doing and you have no other plan. If you're worried about keeping this or anything he might do off of your conscience, go ahead have another chat with them, but bear in mind that he will probably ignore you and blame you for splitting up the friendship. Then anything he does as a result; you might still you blame yourself anyway. Do whatever you need to do to get it off your conscience other than keeping him in your orbit because that's no good.

[00:03:50] Here's the thing when you ghost a crappy friend like this, it's not like you have to break up with them and clarify everything. It's not a relationship like it is with somebody that you live with. You can simply limit your time with them -- and by limit, I mean don't invite them out anymore. You can take a break for a couple years or months or whatever. Then if he says why –why aren't we hanging out then -- then you can tell him. "Hey, look man, I told you your attitude is crappy. You treat people poorly. I don't want to be associated with that and so I haven't called you in a while." It doesn't mean you have to tell him he's a horrible person and that you never want to see him again et cetera. Also, you don't need to get emotional about this. If he asks you why you haven't hung out in a few months, you can simply let him know you've been rude to a lot of people including you. You don't want to be treated like that. If he, listens great. If he blows his top, whatever. You're not making a permanent decision here and you can even let him know that it's not permanent. You can say, "Look when you're ready to stop acting like an a-hole will be here. But in the meantime, I can't have you yelling at waiters and treating people poorly because it's not nice. I know you think you're being honest, but I think if you really dig deep that's not what's going on here. You're using it as an excuse to be rude to other people and you're saying, 'Well, if you can't handle it you're a snowflake,' but it's really says more about you than it does about any of us and we don't want to be around that." And if he doesn't understand that, that's his problem at that point. It really is.

[00:05:08] There's this whole trend online, Jason, I've noticed where someone will say something really, really rude and mean and horrible; and then when you go, "Oh, that wasn't very nice" or "Well, why would you do that?" They go, "Oh, whatever. Did I hurt your feelings snowflake?" And it's like, "No, you're just being a completely shitty person, and I don't want you anywhere near me." "Okay, snowflake, if you can't take the heat," but these are the same people that will absolutely implode if you cross them or if they have some perceived slight, both in real life or especially online. You don't have to put up with that. There's no rule that says every time you don't put up with abuse, you're being a sensitive snowflake. That just happens to be like excuse du jour.

[00:05:48] My dad when he used to be mean or make fun of somebody, he'd be like, "Oh you're too sensitive. You're too sensitive." If somebody's sensitive, stop pushing their buttons. If someone is too sensitive that everything pushes their buttons, stop being around them period. That's the rule. You don't get to decide what triggers somebody else; they do. That's partially the problem when people in society get triggered by everything, but if it's somebody in your friend circle, you can simply exercise your judgment and your discretion and say, "Well I don't want to be around you anymore." I'm not saying get rid of people for certain political beliefs or because they think differently. But if every time you come out with your girlfriend, and this guy says, "You girl's fat men. You could do better," or like "Ugh, you're going to order that unhealthy," "Ugh, this movie sucks. Everyone sucks". Nobody wants to be around that and you don't have any duty to stay around them just because you've known them for a long time. Jason, you must have some people in your life that are that were or have been like this, come on.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:06:44] Totally man, there are so many people that I've had around me. They were just toxic and just like haters on everything. There's a certain limit that you get to and you say, "Dude lighten up." I don't want to hear somebody complain for four hours. It's like no. You don't have to feel bad about cutting those people out of your life. If they change and want to come back later and say, "Yeah, man, I was kind of a dick back then. I've kind of chilled out. I got older. I have a better perspective," then let him back in it. But if they're still the same person then move on. You have no obligation to hang out with people you don't want to be around.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:07:15] All right, what's next?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:07:17] Hey Triple Jay. My brother is a couple years older than me and we grew up close. He's my half-brother, but we were kind of all each other had as kids. Through high school and early 20s, I always consider him one of my closest friends. I even met my current husband through him. He was in my wedding we hung out every few weekends or so, and he was a great uncle to our little boy. Fast forward about a decade and it's been over two years since I've had a real conversation with him beyond text. He never visits anymore, avoids me if I try to visit, and refuses to come to any family gathering. Recently after my mom was trying to get him out of the house, he finally told her that conversations are just awkward and causes him to much anxiety. So, he doesn't want to meet up for dinner. Now, he's never been one to like social situations. He's very smart and capable, but he also smokes weed a lot. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, but he seems to rely on it. He avoids jobs where he has to talk to people. In fact, he quit a decent welding job to work on a farm where he's completely isolated from most of the world. He's never had a girlfriend, and the couple girls he's really liked have just used him and went on with different men. Besides these girls and guys he smoked with, he hasn't had many friends outside of high school. As far as I know, he doesn't have any friends now. At this point, I don't know what to do. Is there any way we can help him? Is there any way to nudge him to seek professional help? I dread the worst could happen if he keeps himself isolated like this. As always, thank you for any advice and insight you have. Sincerely, Lost Sister.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:08:50] This is a strange situation. This could be social anxiety, but it's quite extreme if he's actually avoiding people that he knows like family and won't come out of the house much at all, even for relatives. Social anxiety and being in a party with new people, that's sort of one thing but being almost a shut-in is another thing. but he's not quite a shut-in if he works on a farm because he works outside. So, it's not being inside that he needs, it's not being outside that he's afraid of, he just really doesn't want to talk to anybody else. So, it's sort of extreme social anxiety. Some of this is sort of chicken-egg. Like it could be caused by smoking a ton of weed or it could be medicated by smoking a ton of weed. It's really hard to say. It sounds a little bit beyond social anxiety and potentially into mental illness territory to me.

[00:09:36] It's hard to say what's caused this. It doesn't necessarily matter. The weed in my opinion just based on these details –again, if he's been smoking for years and years and years and suddenly, he starts to get this anxiety -- it could be triggered by that. But the weed, it is probably his way of self-medicating. He might actually have a cortisol or hormone issue that's causing it. The only way to really check for this is for him to go to a functional medicine doctor. Not just a GP. Go to a functional medicine doctor or an endocrinologist, probably will need a referral. Get a blood and gut panel. They can see if something is going on with his cortisol and hormone levels and they can see if there's something in his gut that might be causing strange behavior.

[00:10:16] For example, people with really severe cases of things like Candida that can cause hormone changes in the body that actually need attention, because it can take up nutrients that are required to create hormones like cortisol testosterone things like that that can cause all these weird sorts of disorders. Of course, it would be great if we could just get him to go to therapy. But the challenge was somebody who fears social interaction is often that they really don't want to talk to anyone, doctor or not. That might be tough to get him going to therapy every single week. What you could do is try to convince him to get a physical and get his blood drawn and do the gut panel and the gut panel could be mailed to a lab as can the blood. The blood, of course, should be taken by a professional phlebotomist, which you could get to go to his house but only of course if he's cooperating. Otherwise, you can't control his behavior and if he doesn't want help at all, there's not much you can do about that besides to keep trying. I wish I had better tricks up my sleeve for this one. I think if you can get the blood and gut panels, you might uncover some other things that might be happening with him physiologically, but there's just no way for us to know right now before having gotten any data. Let us know how it goes.

[00:11:22] Sometimes people just over time their sanity begins to drip away a little bit and if they don't want help but they're not a complete danger to themselves here, there's just not much you can do. That's the unfortunate state of affairs. If he's just somebody who doesn't want to talk to anybody else now and he's got massive anxiety. If he doesn't want you to help him with it, then he's not going to get help with it and you can't force that on him unfortunately, well fortunately or unfortunately. Unfortunately, I would say he's probably not happy right now, but you got to have him come to that realization. Not just think I'm happier now that I don't have to deal with anyone. When there's something going on inside our own brain, it's hard for us to question whether or not our feelings are accurate. As Moran Cerf said don't believe everything you think sometimes our brains and bodies trick us and if this is one of those cases where that might be happening.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:12:15] This is Feedback Friday. We'll be right back after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:12:18] This episode is sponsored in part by HostGator.

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Jordan Harbinger: [00:13:34] This episode is also sponsored by UNTUCKit. Traditional button-ups, they look long and they look baggy because they were not meant to be worn untucked. I actually didn't know that until several years after joining corporate and I was like, "These shirts always look like crap." You actually have to have shirts that are designed. to be worn untucked or you get that weird sort of like thigh cut and that little tail in the front and the back like, no, thanks. UNTUCKit shirts were specifically designed to be worn untucked. It's the original untucked shirt that of a modern solution to an old problem. No tucking, no tailoring required. No matter your size or shape. They've got the perfect untucked length because they have a ton of different fit. They have 50 different fit combinations. They look great on tall, short, slim, athletic guys of all ages and for me that's important because I've got a shorter torso than somebody my normal height and it's just kind of annoying. It's like an inch or so difference and, of course, that makes all the clothing that you wear of this type look kind of wrong, which no, thanks. UNTUCKit solves that problem and they've got great material design and color options. You're not stuck wearing the same old, same old every single day. Jason.

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[00:14:55] Thanks for listening and supporting the show. To learn more about our sponsors and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. If you'd be so kind please drop us a nice rating and review on iTunes or your podcast player of choice, it really helps us out and helps build the show family. If you want some tips on how to do that, head on over to jordanharbinger.com, subscribe. Now, let's hear some more of your questions here on Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:15:21] All right, what else we got?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:15:23] Hey there, Jordan, Jason, and Jen. Congrats on the new baby. and here's hoping you're getting some sleep. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years and on the verge of getting engaged. I know he's the one I want to marry but I'm having some personal trust issues. I found a video that caught my eye on YouTube and got suspicious and proceeded to look at his search history. I fell down the jealousy vortex and I know that was wrong of me. This isn't the first time I've found some things he's looked up that have given me this feeling nothing weird or concerning and we've talked about him watching porn or obsessing over pictures or videos of other women including just on Instagram. When I brought it up to him this time, I remained extremely calm and tried not to embarrass him and try to truly understand. I think it's important to mention that I don't watch porn or have any outlet like that. It's not that I never have but not since I've met him, I believe that the less I expose myself to being sexually attracted to other men or porn and the more I focus on him and us, the more we can gain in our relationship. Kind of like the more you avoid unhealthy foods the better healthy food tastes.] He told me he only does any of that stuff when we were away from one another because our jobs sometimes require us to spend a week or so apart. I can understand that but I've told him many times that I'll do whatever fantasies he wants–take pics, roleplay, make videos et cetera. It hurts me because he doesn't ever ask or talk to me about it so he's not giving me that opportunity. He told me it's an escape for him. From a guy's perspective., why is it necessary to have an escape from a relationship that is perfectly willing to do it all? Is he just scared to be vulnerable enough to ask me? I am and have been battling with jealousy issues since we started dating.

[00:17:01] I think it could be a deeper cause my relationship before him was a year of being tormented and mentally abused by my ex. He was manipulative, compulsive liar and would hit on other girls in front of me, screen my calls when he was supposed to be home et cetera -- just to give you an idea. In retrospect, I'm glad it was only a year, but it changed me. I feel like I've grown being with my current boyfriend and he makes me a better person. I have no doubts for us being right for each other, but I want to give him the trust he deserves and shows me, but it's still really hard sometimes because I feel this jealousy in almost a resentment against men in general.

[00:17:37] I truly want rid of it and to not care about these silly things anymore. I'm 6-1 in good shape and I'd say I'm not a bad looking gal. I try to have positive self-talk and self-love but I often feel like I carry myself with a layer of confidence on the outside, but I fall short on the inside. Do you have any advice for someone who wants to proactively be rid of jealousy issues? I've looked into seeing a therapist through BetterHelp. I hope to find a way but I really would appreciate yours and Jason's opinion, you being men after all. I never want to tell him he can't watch any of it anymore because I know that's not realistic. It needs to be his choice. Am I not open-minded enough or is it possible to have two people that choose to not expose themselves to what is so normalized nowadays? I don't see what's normal about getting off on someone. That's not the person you're trying to commit yourself to. I just want bigger and better things but maybe I'm too uptight and not being realistic. Any tips or new perspectives are appreciated. Give it to me straight. Signed, The Jelly Monster.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:18:38] Well, like every relationship problem. This is a combination of your issues and also his. There's a lot here. I will tell you this. Guys are biologically hardwired to look at everything even things we're not even really interested in as far as mating potential. Looking is not the same thing as desiring and desiring isn't the same thing as cheating. I think that's been lost on a lot of people these days. I'm not trying to make excuses for anybody's sort of like porn habit or sex addiction or whatever you want to call it, but that's not really what I'm seeing here according to the details. It is realistic to have someone who doesn't cheat on you but it is not necessarily as realistic to have someone who never looks at anyone or anything else. I know there's people right now who are like, "Oh, well my significant other, he never..." Hold the phone here.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:29] Hold your horses.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:30] Because you don't know that. "Oh, I know, I would have known." Would you? Would you have known? If there's one thing that guys are good at is keeping this stuff on the low because we don't want to deal with it.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:19:41] Yeah, can we talk about the elephant in the room though with trust. She's going through his search history.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:45] Yeah, that's a good point.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:19:47] You know right there. She's breaking a lot of trust. It goes both ways and if he wants to talk about those things and he wants to bring it up. That's one issue. But if you're spying on him and looking at the things that he's looked at on the internet and then bringing those up, you're breaking the trust right there, which is going to put him against the wall and kind of make them defensive to start off with.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:09] Yeah. That's a good point, of course. I think looking things up online is a little different because it is more proactive than simply turning your head to look at somebody in yoga pants at the grocery store, but it's not infidelity and people go, "Oh, well, it's just one step closer." No, it really isn't. There are so many guys that would never cheat and have never cheated on their significant other that are so busy going to the grocery store and being like, "Man, the girls here after yoga class. They're so great." It's not anything like, "I don't love my wife anymore. I want to bang one of these girls." This is not part of the dialogue.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:20:45] That's not how it works.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:20:0470] That's not how it works. Yeah. I'm not saying that you're feeling that way but I think a lot of people do. You're not wrong about his behavior being a little bit off perhaps, but you're probably more sensitive to it because of her relationship history and good on you for going to therapy and trying to get through that and realizing that like, the trust part is partially controlled by you and your perception. You should definitely let him know that it bothers you, but you should not seek to control his behavior or get overly emotional about it, which will probably just cause a fight. It sounds like you kind of know that already. As for this stuff being an escape for him. I don't know how in-depth your conversation got but you're assuming at least according to the letter that he wants an escape from the relationship, when maybe that's not the case. Maybe he just destresses with a little bit of that and puts it in a completely separate compartment in his brain then his relationship and his feelings for you. Maybe he's just kind of like, "This is kind of cool." It doesn't mean like, "Wish my girlfriend would do that." That's a totally different thing. There might be something that he's looking at that he would never want you to do right. The other unpopular opinion here among many in this question is that guys look at porn for variety. We look at porn for a variety regardless of how much you're attached to your partner. Men again are hard-wired to look for mating opportunities, wherever they can wherever we can. This means variety that wins the day. Variety matters biologically. This is what we are hard-wired to do mate with as many women as possible. I know that's an unpopular opinion. "Oh, be civilized. "Oh, that's not what we do in civilized society." Sorry. We have not evolved past that. We have made rules for that but evolutionary science really begs to differ. That's what's controlling the amygdala here or what I should say that's what the amygdala is telling us to do. It doesn't mean we have to follow it. We do have a rational logical brain that says, "Hey maybe you shouldn't bash somebody over the head with a wooden stick," even though our brain wants to do it, but I don't think a lot of guys are really into controlling every single impulse they have especially when they think it's harmless and when they feel it's harmless or when it allows them to focus throughout their day.

[00:22:50] Porn satisfies this variety for a lot of men so it doesn't matter if they're in a committed relationship with somebody who's willing to do whatever they want. It's not about willingness. It's about variety. There's no real way around that short of an open relationship or cheating so you can indulge in this or you can be completely pent-up and not be able to indulge at all and we've seen how that shakes out. Look at some of these conservative societies where everything is pent-up. I don't think we want that. I don't think you want that in your relationship. If it's not out of hand and it's not all the time, personally. I don't see anything wrong with it, but you don't have to accept or adapt my opinion on this one. If you're really concerned about this, then therapy is definitely the way to go for yourself. As is open and honest communication with him about what his needs are and why he looks at this stuff. He might not even know really. He will say, "It's kind of an escape. It's kind of, you know, it's an outlet." Be careful that the communication is two way and not just attacking him for his porn habits and shaming him. He'll just simply hide his porn better like the rest of us. If he thinks every time, we talk about this it's a problem, he's just going to stash it. You'll think, "Oh problem solved," and he's going to have a VPN or whatever the hell he needs to have to make sure that he never has that conversation again because there's probably some shame attached to it as well especially if he's like, "Oh my wife is going to be all upset about this." Remember somewhere there's a guy in a committed relationship who saw your photo online or just saw you walk by and turned his head but it doesn't mean he doesn't love his wife and is thinking about cheating on her. It just means that his hormones are still affecting his brain in the way that humans were evolved to do.

[00:24:26] I don't mean to make light of the problem at all. I think there's definitely something here that you guys can solve with therapy and communication, but I'm very hesitant to go, I'm not I know you're not asking me to do this, but I'm also very hesitant to go in like blame guys for looking at porn which to me just seems so natural in so many ways. All right next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:24:47] Hey Jordan, Jason, Jen. I'm being told I'm too good at guy and women are ending dating me because they catch feelings faster than they're comfortable with. I know how crazy that sounds and I don't totally buy it myself. My dating life is slow since I just don't meet many women. I don't really sweat it, but truth be told there's some insecurity around that which may lead to some pressure on me to really knock my dates out of the park. I'll go on a date and use my awkward charm. I'm awkward like the nerd asking out the cheerleader but confidently because I just embraced it. This is when I turn on my romantic charm after I know they're interested. Then after a few more dates of them seemingly through the moon attracted to me, I get a random text from them saying, "I've been holding back feelings for you and they scare me. I need to stop this before I get attached now." I would normally think this was an I'm not interested note if it weren't for them genuinely going out of their way to constantly tell me how in to me they are, and even texting me cute romantic stuff in the middle of the night. This has been a streak of six women with the exact same story.

[00:25:42] I'm well and truly confused in obviously it's something on my end, so I reached out to friends for feedback. I get three general responses back. For my friends who know me well, I'm told that these girls are more of the usual crazy I have a long history with. I was always the guy who attracted the overly enthusiastic women that would drop the L-bomb in the first couple weeks. There was a long streak of them. From women who I know that we're never attracted to me and casual friends, they wonder what the real reason these girls don't like me. I got to say I think I'm on their side. From the women who had a thing for me and I made my friend they say I'm unrealistically good and women have a hard time believing I'm genuine because I'm so different from other men. They say the same thing as these dates, they were falling hard. I get similar feedback in new friendships that at first people have a hard time trusting me because I'm over-the-top kind. I know everybody, I never have a bad thing to say, and I always have something to put a smile on somebody's face because what sane person uses every opportunity to make others feel more valued.

[00:26:39] Is it my filter or could it be my lack of meeting women? Am I too good or is my ego just taking the easy route and I'm actually imagining they're into me? Should I actually dial back kindness, little of column A, little column B. I'm just trying to have a normal dating life and meet people connect and embrace some romance along the way. Thank you for all you guys have taught me. Signed, Too Far Out of the Park.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:00] This is an interesting question. This sort of reminds me of the types of questions. I used to get on the show. Remember those, Jason, the sort of OG dating and relationship, social dynamics questions here.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:27:10] Oh, yeah, they're burned into my brain forever.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:27:12] Yeah, I bet. Your intuition her, my friend, is probably correct. I agree with your close friends. That you probably are dating, according to you, some of the usual crazy that you have a long history with. You're attracted to overly enthusiastic women that would drop the L-bomb in the first couple of weeks and you've got a long streak in long history of this. Because most women aren't going to go, "Oh, this guy's just too good for me." There are a couple exceptions to this rule. Unless you are dating way under your league if you're really dating down so to speak then yeah, you might get somebody who has low self-esteem saying, "You're too good for me. I'm just going to end up getting hurt. I'd rather break up with you before you break up with me, which is inevitable because I'm not worthy of you." That's unless you're dating somebody with that kind of mindset. you're probably not dealing with that. What you're probably dealing with is the other scenario, which is they're trying to let you down easy and so your job is to figure out which one this is. Otherwise, she's got to let you down hard and could cause damage and women especially when they do break up with you, they are often trying to see what they can do to avoid conflict. That is a very sort of roll specific thing and a lot of people do that when they break up women especially do this when they break up. You got to ask yourself which one is it. Is it because you're dating way down or because they're trying to let you down easy?

[00:28:29] If they're trying to let you down easy, which is what I think it is you might be bringing this on because you're becoming too relationshippy too quickly and you're freaking them out a bit. You're becoming a little bit too much too soon. Close friends tell you one thing and that makes sense, and you kind of know it's true. Then you have this other option that makes you feel better. "Oh, well, maybe I'm just killing it knocking it out of the park and they're getting scared." No! If we take ego out of this, which one of these scenarios do you think is true? That's what you've got to ask yourself. So, I think they're trying to let you down easy. You may also be telling a lot of these women that you're getting what they want to hear and it's coming across as inauthentic. But even then, you wouldn't be getting broken up with by a ton of women all the time. Some women would stay because you're telling them what they want to hear and they really liked it. I mean that's just a human thing to stay with people like that at least for a little while. Maybe you're dating down. Maybe you're dating well below your status. I don't know but it's definitely one of those two things.

[00:29:22] So, the solution here is to increase the quality of the people that you date, if you are indeed dating people well underneath your league, so to speak. You can meet some people that are maybe a little bit higher quality by volunteering, doing some charity work, but I again suspect that that is not the problem. I think you're getting too relationshippy. If you're doing that, ask yourself why you are doing it. A lot of guys do this initially because they see it in movies. A lot of guys are guilty of this especially guys with may be limited social experience when they're really young. They see movies and they're like, "This is how it's done." They see that in movies and they try to replicate that and it doesn't work, or guys will do it to retain women because they think, "Oh if I really knock it out of the park early, then it'll take her longer maybe to figure out that I'm not all it's cracked up to be," or you're doing something else that's needy. And when you come across as needy, you push people away. I think you're probably doing too much, too soon and they don't want to tell you that because either they're not exactly aware of the problem or they don't want you to feel bad because you are being really nice. So, they flip it around turn it on themselves and say, "Oh, well the reason is because you're too good and I want to catch feelings, so I have to detach that really though is probably not exactly how they're feeling. I think they're trying to avoid conflict. So, ask yourself why you're becoming too relationship too soon, too romantic too soon. Why is that the case? Why are you doing that in your relationships? It's got to have something to do with your needs and the way you perceive other people's needs and I think once you attack that root cause, you can stop the behavior that's causing you to sabotage your relationships.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:30:56] It's such the classic. "Oh, it's not you. It's me."

Jordan Harbinger: [00:30:58] Yeah, it really is exactly that it's not, you it's me and you know that when people say that it's actually them. Because for a relationship that you really like you will rearrange your whole life. Very few circumstances, I'm sure there are circumstances where it's not you, it's me where it's like, "Hey, I thought I wanted a relationship. It turns out I only want a career," and to sleep with someone sometimes like that can be a thing where someone breaks up with you and doesn't want a relationship. But usually it's I don't want a relationship. With you for some reason that I don't want to get into because you're just going to get mad or sad. That's the usual set of circumstances.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:34] Definitely.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:31:37] We'll be right back with more Feedback Friday right after this.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:31:40] This episode is sponsored in part by Rothy's. These are women's shoes. That's kind of a random thing for me to be advertising. So, I have, of course, had Jen go and grab these. They come in really fun patterns and colors. Jen loves these. They actually had like a cool digital snake skin. I'm not sure how else to explain. It looks rad and it's very environmental. They're made from repurposed water bottles and Rothy's has repurposed over 25 million bottles and counting. They've got these limited-edition colors that sell out really quickly. Really good reviews, top quality stuff. The reviews are off the charts and the customer service is actually really, really good. Jen ordered her usual size, then, of course, got pregnant. They have text-based and other of the options of course. They have text-based customer service that she used and it was really convenient to make the exchange to a half-sized bigger. Other than weird digital snake skin that looks really edgy and stylish. They also have Basics they launched new colors every few weeks and the women shoes come in five styles -- point, flat, loafer et cetera. They're really comfortable to walk around and Jen loves these. They don't require breaking in and I guess that's a problem with a lot of women shoes. You know, you get that like scrape in the back of your heel or somewhere else. She said no problem at all with the Rothy's and they're machine washable. You take the insole out and you can just chuck them in the washer, and they come out looking like new which is especially important for their kids' shoes. I would imagine. They've got loafers and sneakers for kids. Kids are super messy. I mean my kid can't even walk yet. He can't even crawl yet and I'm like, "Oh my god, he's just going shred anything we buy for him." So now that I have a kid, I can see how their stuff get dirty in like 5 seconds and you want to toss him in the wash. Jason, tell more than get a deal on that.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:33:25] Check out all the amazing styles available right now at rothys.com/jordan. Go to rothys.com. That's R-O-T-H-Y-S rothys.com/jordan to get your new favorite flats. Comfort, style, and sustainability -- these are the shoes. You've been waiting for head to rothys.com/jordan today.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:33:39] This episode is also sponsored by Manscaped. This is a not our usual type of read here but Manscaped offers precision-engineered tools for your family jewels. If you're shaving down under there's probably an occasion where you have hurt your junk. That's never good you never kind of want the weed whacker to get caught in the weeds. If you know what I'm saying. Manscaped has redesigned the electric trimmer. Their lawn Mower 2.0, not kidding that's literally what it's called. The Lawn Mower 2.0 proprietary skin safe technology. So, the trimmer's not going to nick or snag your nuts. Manscaping accidents can finally be a thing of the past. They've also got a Crop Preserver, which is an anti-chafing ball deodorant and a moisturizer. You put your deodorant on your armpits. Why are you not putting deodorant on what might be one of the smelliest parts of your body depending on who you are? You don't use the same trimmer on your face as you're using on your balls. That's just nasty. This is kind of a necessity if you're keeping everything trim –no pun intended -- and nice down there. Jason, where can they get the lowdown for their mow down [00:34:42]?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:34:44] Well, you always want to use the right tools for the job and your balls will thank you. So, to get 20% off and free shipping use the code Jordan at manscaped.com. That's 20% off with free shipping at manscaped.com using code Jordan. Like I said your balls will thank you.

[00:35:00] Support for The Jordan Harbinger Show comes from our friends at Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans. Home is so much more than a house. It's your own little slice of heaven. That's why when you find the perfect place for you and your family getting a mortgage shouldn't get in the way. Finding the right house isn't easy but finding the right mortgage can be. Rocket Mortgage is doing more to help you understand the home buying process so you can get exactly what you need because it's not just a mortgage, it's your mortgage and they found a better way. Their team of mortgage experts is obsessed with finding a better way, which means that their number one goal is to make the home buying process smoother for you. Take the home buying process work for you. In fact, Rocket Mortgage is there with award-winning client service and support every step of the way. Quicken Loans has helped millions of Americans achieve their dream of homeownership. And when you're ready to purchase the home of your dreams, they can help you too. When you work with them you get more than just a loan because Rocket Mortgage is more than just a lender. Visit RocketMortgage.com/JORDAN and take the first step towards the home of your dreams. Equal Housing Lender. Licensed in all 50 states. NMLSConsumerAccess.Org #3030. Rocket Mortgage by Quicken Loans. Push the button, get mortgage.

[00:36:08] Thank you for supporting the show your support of our advertisers keeps us on the air. To learn more and get links to all the great discounts you just heard, visit jordanharbinger.com/deals. Now back to the show for the conclusion of Feedback Friday.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:36:23] Next up.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:36:24] Hi team, I work in politics and as you may have noticed, it's election season. There's a lot riding on this one and we have a chance to make history. Obviously making history isn't easy and we all need our teams pushing hard if we're going to win. Herein lies the problem, for lots of local teams a significant portion of their volunteers love to quote unquote help out on the campaign by doing things that don't move the needle, they'll sit around the campaign office having strategy meetings and obsessing over messaging all day, but they won't do the things that actually win elections like making phone calls and knocking on doors. Yes, that's still works. To be clear, we're always grateful for any time a volunteer gives us. They make the political world go around, but it's so, so, so frustrating to see campaigns failing because volunteers are more concerned with feeling like backroom players. How can we convince volunteers over whom we have no formal authority to get their butts in gear and attack the points of highest leverage? And for those who think that coming out once every two weeks is enough, how can we get them out more often. Cheers! Signed, A Frustrated Volunteer Wrangler.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:37:33] I think if I had these people in my office, I would just politely probably one-on-one so it doesn't seem like you're shaming or try to discipline someone over whom you have no authority. I'd say something like, "Look, I really love that you come here and help out. We love that you're interested in the campaign. What moves the needle for us is knocking on doors. What moves the needle for us is boots on the ground. It's great that you're coming in and you're discussing things and your very proud to do that. If you can do that sort of thing elsewhere in public getting new people to be convinced that our way is the best way. That's more helpful than tossing the ball back and forth among other people in the office. In fact, what works and what doesn't is ABC." Just go through the line of the things that they're doing and the things that don't work in the things that do. You can just be polite about it and you can explain the stakes. Be honest and straightforward about what works and what doesn't, and call out the backroom player thing. "Yes. I know you want to feel included and I totally get it but this is not going to move the needle for us. This is not what wins election sitting back here and drinking Shasta or LaCroix and talking about what you would do if you are in charge of the campaign that does not do anything to win the election. Again, we're grateful for your time but if you really want to help out, this is the way that you help out." And sure, some people be like, "How dare you! I donated $20 last week." It's like, "Great!" You're not responsible for their feelings. You have no authority the best thing next to that is honesty. Once people are interested in helping the way to make them feel like part of the team. I would have a tight-knit group of the volunteers, but keep it exclusive only to people that are doing the groundwork. The people who are making calls that people who are going door-to-door. In other words, the guys sitting in the back eating all your frigging granola bars, they don't get to go to drinks with the street team. They're on another tier. The street team, they are the foot soldiers. They should be respected by the people at all levels. The middle players are the least important people in this case the people who are managing spreadsheets with funds or just talking about strategy. I'm sort of Jason imagining these people coming into the office and being like, "Oh, hey, there's my buddy." I'm going distract somebody who's doing something and talk about, "Oh, if we just get this county and then we do this thing and then we have town halls here." They think they're helping, but they're just actually distracting people who might otherwise be productive. Jason DeFillippo: [00:39:55] Yeah. they're like last night they watch too many episodes of The West Wing and they're like, "Hey, man, let's just try this one out."

Jordan Harbinger: [00:40:01] Right or they're just coming in and they're distracting each other and they're taking up airspace. They're making it a longer wait for the bathroom. They're drinking the drinks in the fridge there actually...I know you see you're grateful for volunteers help. They're not helping at all, most likely. They're not helping even a little bit, most likely because they're just taking up space and distracting. I don't think you should tell them that but I think you should tell them honestly what will help and if they think they're being helpful by sitting around and talking strategy. You should say look that's nice that you care but it does nothing for the campaign. If they think that's rude, "Oh, well, good never come back." I mean, maybe that's just me. "I'm not going to come back and sit around and chat anymore and take up everyone seat and distract everyone." "Okay good. Don't come back and chitchat with everybody. We're at work here. You're not at work. You're a freaking spectator. You've decided to do nothing." Getting people out more often, this will happen is people develop an affinity for the campaign through their own investment of work. In other words, if you get them on the street this problem starts to take care of itself in a way. Those that don't come back while they never really wanted to help in the first place. They wanted to sit around and feel like they were doing something without having to put a jacket on and go walk outside. Let me know how that goes and keep those guys away from my granola bars.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:15] Granola's for closers.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:41:17] Granola is for closers only. That's right. All right, Jason. What else we got?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:41:20] Hello, Jay Squadron. I'm halfway through the second year of building my business since moving to my town. I've been connected with the startup ecosystem including a diverse cast of mentors with experience at all levels of many Industries. I'm constantly told that I need to meet with mentors but I've gotten a lot of terrible advice from them. One person told me not to do the one marketing activity that generated 70% of my sales this summer for example. Is there any value to just going through the motions with mentors? I can imagine asking people for advice makes them feel good and smart and this could be a reasonable way to build relationships. I hate meeting with people and hearing bad advice though. Should I just hermetically seal myself in the office and grind it out until I hit a wall that I can't see any way around? Sincerely, Tired of Mediocre Mentors.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:42:08] The first thing to clarify is we're not actually sure who these mentors are. It sounds like maybe they're assigned to you or something. If they're not assigned to you, stop meeting with them. They're wasting your time and they're bad thinking can easily have you second-guessing yourself in areas where you don't need to be doing that like marketing and sales. I'm not sure if these are mentors that are assigned by maybe like an incubator or somebody else in a business ecosystem. It sounds like these are people that you just met because you were looking for mentors in some way. You're right asking people for advice is a great way to build relationships. You can ask for advice from a lot of people to build relationships and get different inputs, but it really doesn't matter if you follow it or not. If you follow the advice or not. I give advice all the time. The company's I advise don't always follow it. I'm not hurt by this. In fact, if you have someone give you advice and they get emotional when you don't follow it. That's an issue that they need to deal with and with few exceptions, you do not need that person as an advisor. Do they want to be in the business and be and have authority, great, they should work for you then? They should work for you. If you want them to have some authority. You can give them equity as an advisor. They can be responsible for something. They can be an employee in the company. If you're just seeking advice from them and you don't follow it and then they get pissed off.

[00:43:27] The only time that that can possibly be justified is if you run into a problem because you didn't follow their advice and they said, "I knew this problem was going to happen. I told you to avoid it." And then they give you advice on how to solve it and then you ignore that and the problem gets worse. That would be frustrating. Because then they're just wasting your time or you're just wasting their time. But if these are people that say, oh you shouldn't do this and then you do it and they're like, "Oh, so what I guess I was wrong. Well, you know, who knows blah blah blah, I'm going to get mad that you don't follow my advice." I mean these people -- they do not need to be anywhere near your business. Like you I hate meeting with people and hearing bad advice.

[00:44:04] To that end here are two things you might consider: one -- you will never have a life free of bad advice from others. Even if you don't ask for any advice, you're going to get bad unsolicited advice. It's just a thing. Yes, it might be a waste of your time, but it's tough to be in the business world or any world and only be surrounded by good advice. If everyone else knew what you were supposed to do. They'd have done it already and you wouldn't have a job or a company. Two -- you don't actually need to meet and spend significant time with any of these people. You can use the phone. You can text. You can use Slack. You can use smoke signals. You don't have to see them face-to-face at all and dedicate time to that to maintain the relationship. If you've got somebody who you think this is a good connection for me, but the advice sucks. Text him once a month to see how they're doing or if you're in the neighborhood swing by and grab a cup of coffee or a beer. You don't have to ask them for advice that you know is going to be bad. I'd say that you can also ask for advice as you need it for me. For me, I rarely, rarely ask for specific business advice from a mentor. I mostly ask for life, parenting, marriage, and other advice from those people as those are more universal experiences. I don't really know too many folks doing what I'm doing and familiar enough with the specifics of the business I'm in to give me good advice all of the time. So, I don't really ask for specific business advice from those people, all most ever. Part of having mentors and advisors is knowing when to listen to them and when to take a different path based on your own judgment. If they were in charge, they would be the ones running the business. All right, Jason, what else?

Jason DeFillippo: [00:45:40] Hi Jay team. I recently interviewed for a yoga teaching gig at a woman's clinic in a nearby city. The commute would be about 20 minutes each way. As a yoga teacher, I do a lot of driving here and therefore classes and I'm hoping to lessen the number of days a week I'm commuting. Currently, it's four days a week for 45 to 60 minutes one way. I know it's crazy. I spend a lot of time driving. The good news is that the studio I trained at and currently teach at is soon opening an affiliate in my city five minutes down the street. So, here's my problem before the local studio was finalized, I agreed to take on this teaching gig at the woman's clinic. The pay is $10 less per class than my current rate, but they're offering back-to-back classes to help make it worth my time. I was never a hell yes for this opportunity, but needed to boost my income for a couple months until I found more suitable long-term gigs. The classes are early in the morning and I'm not a morning person. The clinic has advertised the class as a six-week registration and the more I think about it the more I just don't want to do it. With the studio opening locally, there will be an opportunity for me to take on more classes and potentially a part-time studio manager role. I want to be as available as possible to prove my value to the studio owner as the studio opens. I've already had a conversation with the owner around the studio manager position and we left it that will contact once again once the doors open and once she has a better idea around how many hours will be needed. Currently, I also work part-time at a multinational company as their fitness and wellness coordinator in-house. How do I or do I quit the women's clinic? So far only two people have registered for the later class and no one for the early class. I foresee far more opportunity with a local studio. And since I'm not that interested in the women's clinic long-term, how do you suggest I proceed? Signed, Don't Want to Burn Bridges.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:47:31] All right couple options to consider here. I'm going to outline what I would do and in what order. One -- I would call the women's clinic and tell them your situation. Literally explain to them that you have a closer opportunity that's better for you more convenient, et cetera. Two -- tell them you see a lack of registrations for the yoga classes, which they have contracted you for which would probably make it a financial loss for the center to have you in and pay you and run anyway. Also, it costs them money to open their facility at that hour if it's not even going to be used. Three -- ask them what they would like you to do. If you drop the gag, are you leaving them in the lurch? Can you make up the slack somehow? Maybe you can reschedule the class or maybe they want you to do something else or maybe they don't want it at all. If you are leaving them high and dry, then just do the six weeks. It's going to be a pain, let the new gig know why you can't do this in the morning, you got to do this other thing that you promise. What you can say is, "Look, I don't break my promises and I agreed to this. I don't want to leave this women's center hanging and you would expect the same for me as an employee." Any prospective employer will respect this because they know that's the treatment they are going to get, so I would much rather hire somebody who has integrity rather than somebody who just broke the agreement with somebody else, because I offered him five dollars more per hour or whatever it was. That's just not good. It's like that genuine song If you cheated on him, why won't you do it to me. You have to show the original contractor, the original employer, the respect that you think your new employer would want to see from you. If they're open to you switching to the other gig then you're good. From my perspective, you actually have a really good chance of getting what you want. For all, you know, the manager of that women's center is sitting around lamenting how she's hired you for a yoga class and nobody signed up, but she doesn't want to screw you over by canceling it because she already agreed to the deal. You don't know until you try and putting your cards on the table is a great way to negotiate without angering your current employer. Props to you for being aware of the situation and not just doing whatever you want but being considerate of all parties. That's a mature and healthy way to think about these types of problems and I think both parties that you're negotiating with are going to be happy and impressed with you for laying your cards out on the table.

[00:49:46] Life Pro Tip of the Week. Squeeze your fist really hard to prevent gag reflex. I never heard this before but it totally works. This is great for when you're polishing your tongue. From a doctor --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:49:59] Some kind of weird euphemism.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:50:01] I mean, you know, it's gag reflex. When there is a tongue depressor in your mouth, you just squeeze your fist really hard. When your scraping your tongue and if you gag, just squeeze your fist really hard. From the doctor perspective, the main reason for gag reflexes is that the junction between your hard palate and your soft palate is so sensitive and it tends to reflex when stimulated, so the palate is your upper part of your mouth, and to prevent it you'll have to breathe mainly from your mouth while the doctor is examining and distract yourself. That's why often your doctor will ask you to raise your hand and then raise your left hand or whatever just to distract you from what they're doing back in your gullet there. And so, squeezing your fist really hard, if you have a really sensitive gag reflex, will often do the trick. Let me know if you're somebody that can't do something without gagging and this fist-squeeze trick is working for you too. I'm curious about it because for me, there's no way to say this without coming up weird, I don't need this trick. There's no...Damn it. Moving right along.

[00:50:02] Recommendation of the Week. Speaking of gag reflex, Mr. Rogers --

Jason DeFillippo: [00:51:09] Worst transition ever, man.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:51:11] There's a documentary on HBO called Won't You Be My Neighbor. So good! It's a really good look at America's favorite neighbor, Fred Rogers. It's a documentary. He was a minister, he's a puppeteer, he's a writer, producer. He came up with the idea for that show and it was just beamed into homes across America for more than 30 years. I grew up with it. A lot of people before and after me grew up with it. It was a view on how television could be used as a positive force in society. That's actually how he came up with this. So, Fred Rogers, Mr. Rogers and his cast of puppets and friends, spoke directly to young kids. I look back at this documentary and I go, "That's right. He talks about death. He talked about divorce." There just hasn't been anything like Mr. Rogers on television before and there really hasn't been anything since. And if you don't know who Mr. Rogers is...Well, I feel bad for you. If you grew up in the '60s, the '70s, the '80s, and possibly even the early '90s --I'm not even sure -- then you know and you grew up with Mr. Rogers. So, it's kind of a big deal. I thought there's a just a fascinating documentary on HBO. We'll link to it in the show notes, and if you don't have HBO, maybe you can find it elsewhere online.

[00:52:21] Hope you all enjoyed that. I want to thank everyone that wrote in this week. A link to the show notes for this episode can be found at jordanharbinger.com. And if you want to come to prison with us, email me prison@jordanharbinger.com. Again, it'll be around a grand, maybe a little bit more plus travel, and it will be a worthy experience of be a lot of fun. You can come from wherever you are. Don't worry. A lot of people are like, "Can Canadians go?" Yes, you can go. We don't need your passport to go into the facility and it'll be just outside, Reno, Nevada.

[00:52:48] Jason, I don't know if you remember last week, we talked about The Bump app which never worked. It isn't even in the App Store anymore.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:52:54] Yeah.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:52:55] This guy, Jason Wolkovitz, he created an iOS app to share contact and many other types of information in QR code. It was a side project, just kind of a basic QR program most modern phones have a QR reader in the camera. So, it works on iOS, it works on most android devices, or any QR reader program. It can be setup to include contextual information. So, your contact knows where they met you et cetera, and you can throw your business card in there, your info in there, your contact info. It's really cool! You just bring it up on your phone. and anybody just turns on their camera, and your camera says, "Add Jordan Harbinger as a contact." And all your info is contained in there.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:53:31] Nice.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:53:32] Yeah, really cool. Anytime you meet someone new, you just pop this thing open, and they pop open their camera hover over the code, and the prompt appears right on the screen. It's really, really cool. The app is called InfoShareQR and it's one word, and we'll link to it in the show notes.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:53:46] Go back and check out the guest Mike Rowe and Moran Cerf if you haven't yet. Those are super interesting episodes from this week. If you want to know how he managed to book all these great guests, we've got a huge network of people that I managed using systems and tiny habits. Check out our Six-Minute Networking course, which is free. That's over at jordanharbinger.com/course. Don't wait, don't do it later. If you procrastinate, you will stagnate and the number one mistake I see people make with this is not digging the well before you get thirsty. You've got to do this. You can't be the person who calls when you need something. That's very transparent and everyone hates you for that. I'm not even kidding. These drills take a few minutes per day. Ignore it at your own Peril. I wish I knew this 20 years ago; and the best time to know this is 20 years ago, the second-best time is right. Now, it's a free course, jordanharbinger.com/course. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @JordanHarbinger. It's a great way to engage with the show videos of our interviews are at jordan harbinger.com/youtube. Jason.

Jason DeFillippo: [00:54:41] You can check out my tech podcast, Grumpy Old Geeks at gog.show or follow me on Twitter at @JPdef or Instagram at @JPD.

Jordan Harbinger: [00:54:48] This shows created an association with PodcastOne and this episode was produced by Jen Harbinger, edited by Jase Sanderson, show notes for this episode our by Robert Fogarty, music by Evan Viola. Keep sending in those questions to friday@jordanharbinger.com. Our advice and opinions and those of our guests are their own and yes, I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer. So do your own research before implementing anything you hear on the show. Remember, we rise by lifting others, so share the show with those you love and even those you don't. Lots more in the pipe, very excited for the future here. In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show, so you can live what you listen and we'll see you next time.

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